

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 


Shelf 


UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 


mmm 








t>7> 









my 


wot 


mm 




























. 


















































' 
























. 





■ 







s 




















■ 














. 










J 


* S. OGILVIE AND COyVIPANY’S 

Flf(EglDE 

No. 12. 




By Mrs. Hopkins Herself. 




NEW YORK: 

J. S. Ogilvie & Company, 
31 Rose Street. 


DOOOOO** 


►•OOOOOOe* 


sQCXDQQO 


Issued Weekly: Subscription. $13.50 per year. November 17, 1886. 

Entered at New York Post-office us second-class matter. 

* 





CHOICE NEW BOOKS. 


UNIFORM IN STILE AND FRICK. 


The following list of books are all new publications, 
and are printed in large type, and handsomely 
bound in colored lithograph paper covers. 

ftdaentutes of an OLd Jl/Laid . . j&teene. 


ft 2daLLen 29 dot. 
it( ZbQn!t Jlat^n” 

J^eatans ffatjain. 
ft jllentaL gPUllqqLo. 

2) ho flaunted $hamliet. 
ft jllldnLjkt jllattlaje. 
ft fldaman! s fldenjeancc. 
fUPaman ajainst fid ai nan. 

2) he ftHium. JUPhdets! 2d Hand. 
cfeiLen Mnndled ftitiiun fdetses. 
ffyLnnde, x of. a fd^ashfiiL jlian. 

(Due thousand fPo/iuLat Jlaatatians. 
ftdnentaies of a ffyakkfuL dPtiskman. 
ftt fllfat uiLtfi ffdetself. 

• Vnltj. a fld ) oman > s Mead. 
y? ffyad fdj-oif ftliioad. 

2)1 le fffyad ffyoj at Maine. 
jILlss <~fLLmmen\ dd uidaui. 

Jfask fdf dLLnQs! <~fjdce fffojc. 
ft $tlmsan Sftain. 


. fffyij 2)'. ft.ns.teij. 

f)) l j Mddtetk 
ffj jilts. ftlex.andei. 
fjfij the Qtuckess . 


ffyij Mo Lines. 


SEimfi* 


ft fUPifes Manat. 
Mddas dEoael. 
ft 2)atse fldaui . 
jlla tiled in Made, 
ft ddltalaen Meatt. 
fdladiaad 2dun. 
J^dlijs Jl/Latket. 


The above bocks are for sale by 


THE DEALER FROM WHOM YOU RECEIVED THIS CIRCULAR. 




“whoa, general, whoa 1 ** 


Mahetible Hopkins 

—ON— 

HER TRAVELS. 


THIS BOOK IS WRITTEN BY 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS HERSELF. 


MORAL : 

“Where ignerance is bliss, ’tis folly to know too much.” 

(COPYRIGHT 1886, BY J. S. OGILVIE & CO.) 


ILLUSTRATED BY H. E. PATTERSON. 


New York : 


cO pvRI GNr ' 

■''dec il >886’ 
VV -x?\ 

xj' °F WAS*'*? 


J. S. OGILVIE & COMPANY, 
31 ROSE STREET. 


PREFACE. 


I s’pose it will be necessary for me to write sum kind of a 
preface or an introduction for the front side of this book, for it 
seems like a pity to launch it upon an innocent and unsuspectin’ 
public without a warnin’ of sum kind, but for the life of me, I 
don’t know where to commence, nor what to say when I do, 
Makin’ prefaces ain’t in my regular line of business, and unless 
I succeed better’n I expect to with the rest of the book, I don’t 
s’pose it ever will be, because if anybody maniges to worry 
through the introduction, and gits out alive, they couldent be 
persuadid to undertake the rest of the book, on any concideration, 
and — but mebby that’s enough on that subject. 

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a book, and it’s guaranteed 
not to contain any sence, or anything else injurious to the human 
family. I make the above assertion on account of there bein’ so 
many of them dinamite packiges in circulation, that air calker- 
latid to blow up innocent people and cause a general distrust 
concernin’ all mysterious lookin’ packiges, but you may rush this 
as frantick as you please, and git as deeply interested as the 
subject will allow, without ineurrin’ the least danger to yourself, 
your friends, or the book. This book is writ with a desire to 
cure the blues (if taken in moderate doses) and to help every 
body along in the world (especially the writer), but its main 
object is to make money and to tell what I know about “the 
pleasures of travellin’.” For the benefit of those who have any 
little scruples about pursuin’ f_ckshun and readin’ lies under the 
cloak of “ popular novels ” I will say : this book is foundered on 
fax and 14 pound note paper, and the writer is willin’ to state 
(upon oath if necessary) that fully i of the contents is made up 

of actual occurrances and the other £ is 

Jest where the fax air located would be impossible for me to 
say, but they air all there sumwhere, and those readers who 
remember the occurrances will probably recognize the fax as 
soon as they see ’em, and those who air unacquaintid with the 
fax, or the writer, will probably believe that 3-3 of it (to be a 
lie-kly story) and anything I mint say here wouldent alter their 
opinions in the least, consequently any further remarks on the 
subject air deemed unnecessary by the writer. 

Mahetible Hopkins. 


4 


Everett, Lake Co., Colorado. 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


AND HER TRAVELS . 


CHAPTER L 

MAHETIBLE CONCLUDES TO WHITE A HISTORY OF HER 
TRAVELS — A WOMAN WITH A GEORGE WASHINGTON 
PRINCIPLE — A REGULAR “DOWN EAST 99 SUPPER — 
HESEKIAH’S WONDERFUL APPETITE — NEIGHBOR STEB- 
BINS IS INTRODUCED — LIFE ON A FARM. 

It’s gittin’ so stilish now days for folks to write a 
history of their travils, that I’ve concluded to write 
something about mine, and to set 4th the tribulations 
and other difficulties I incountered on the trip. I 
commenced writin’ a giographical sketch of my life a 
few years ago, but it took so much more writin’ than 
I’d calculated on that I got discouriged, and finally 
give up the notion, but now I feel more like perseverin’, 
and think I shall succeed. I shall go back to the 
year 1875 to commence my story, so’s I can go right 
ahead when I git started, for if there’s one thing I 
hate worse’n another it’s to hear folks dilly-dallyin’ 
along with a story the way Mose Skinner’s wife always 
did, and besides that she always used sich outlandish 
big words in her conversation that nobody never knew 
what she ment, and I don’t believe she knew herself. 
I ain’t burdened with no grate amount of eddication 

IB 


14 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


(as you’ll probably notice yourself before the book is 
red through), but Mariar Mullins is a school-teacher, 
and she says when folks use sich big words it’s “ ’cause 
they’re asthetick.” I s’pose likely it is, but I can’t tell 
for certin, ’cause I don’t egzactly know what it means, 
but I reckon it means that there is something rong 

with their disgust- 
in’ organs, ’cause 
Hesekiah’s Aunt 
Hanner was always 
troubled with some- 
thing that sounded 
a good deal like that, 
and she had to be 
offle careful about 
what she et. 

At the time my 
story commences, 
Hesekiah and I was 
livin’ on our farm in 
the Mohawk valley, 
right acrost the 
road from the little 
brown house that 
Philander Spauldin’ 
lived in the first summer after he and Melissy was 
marrid. Now if I was as deceitful as some folks, I 
could pertend that I was eddicated and highly accom- 
plished, and it aint no ways likely anybody ud ever 
find out the difference, but I shan’t do no sich a thing, 
because I don’t believe in no kind of deception. We 
all know that “ truth is sometimes a stranger to tick- 




AND HER TRAVELS. 


15 


shun,” but as I’ve started out to founder this book on 
fax and general principles mostly, it will be nesces- 
sary for me to repeat ’em as kerrectly as possible, 
even if I have to acknowledge that I’m a plain 
farmer’s wife, with only a moderate supply of eddi- 
cation. I think it was somewhere along in July or 
August, — anyway I remember I’d been makin’ sum 
red raspberry jam that afternoon, and I was so tired 
that I thought I’d drop right down in my tracks, — 
when Hesekiah cum in after the milkpails, and says he, 
kinder cheerfully : 

“ Mahetible, less have sum pudden ’n milk fur sup- 
per.” “ All right,” says I, as I skum another fly out 
of the kittle of jam. “You hurry up and git the 
milkin’ done, and cut another armful of wood, and 
bring me a fresh pail of water, and git a handful 
of them old barrel staves for kindlin’, and by that 
time supper ’ll be ready.” 

Some of our nabers put on stile, and call it a mush 
and milk supper, but I still call it the good old 
Yankee name — pudden — even if it don’t sound quite 
so hifalutin. I’m a regular Yankee, and I don’t deny 
it either. It always made me mad to see folks denyin’ 
their country, and I don’t think I’d ever undertook to 
deny my nashunality even if I’d been born a nigger. 

Jest as I’d got the pudden stirred up and the table 
sot, Stebbins (our nearest naber on the other side) cum 
back from the post-oflice, and stopped in to leave our 
mail and the ten pounds of brown sugar his wife bor- 
rowed along in hoeing time. I knew he’d stay to 
supper, ’cause he generally does , so I run in the settin’- 
room to put on a clean apron, and to smooth my hair 


16 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


down a little, for it was stickin’ out from my head in 
every direction like one of them frowsle-headed sircuss 
wimmen. My hair is tollerable coarse, and whenever 
I have it did up in curl papers it looks terrible for 
a day or two after, and only the afternoon before that 
I’d had it frizzled up real becumin’, ’cause Saryann 
Spriggins had invited me to go over to J ake Flanders’s 
with her to spend the day, but it cum up a thunder 
shower jest as we was ready to start, and we had to 
postpone our visit, and Saryann — the spiteful thing — 
had to stay to supper, and I hadent the 1st thing 
cooked in the house, only some biled beef and cabbage 
and a few cakes I’d put away for company Of 
course all she staid for was to git Jonithan (he’s our 
hired man and tollerable good lookin’) to see her home, 
but he had to go to the Corners after sum saleratus, and 
dident git home till late, and so Ilesekiah and I had 
to go home with her, ’cause she kept sayin’ she was 
afraid to go alone, but I knew better ’n that, for she 
was always singin’, “Meet me by moonlight alone, 
love,” and if she dident barber sich sentiments she 
shouldent be singin’ ’em. When she seen me gittin’ 
out my old waterproof cloak and rubbers she spoke up, 
and says she : 

“ Oh, Miss Hopkins, you haint goin’ out in this mud, 
air ye \ ” 

“ Yes, I gess I’ll go along for company,” says I — still 
tuggin’ away at a pair of overshoes 2 sizes too small 
for my every-day shoes. 

“ I wouldent if I was you. It’s terrible sploshy 
under foot, and you know you air so liable to have the 
rumatiz whenever you git your feet wet,” says Saryann, 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


17 


but I went for all of that, for I don’t calkerlate on bavin’ 
no husbun’ of mine escortin’ old maids home unless I’m 
in the procession — rumatiz or not. When I got back 
in the kitchen Stebbins sot there tellin’ Hesekiah what 
he thought about the potater crop and watchin’ the 
kittle of pudden — like a dog watchin’ for a bone — and 
Hesekiah was so 
bizzy listenin’ that 
he’d forgot to ask 
Stebbins to have 
sum supper, or else 
he dident want to 
ask him for fear he 
would stay and there 
wouldent be pudden 
enough for us all. 

Hesekiah aint got 
much of an appetite 
now — though he 
still kinder hankers 
after pudden ’n milk 
and some other sich 
delicacies ; but when 
we was 1st marrid 
I’ve known him to 
git up in the middle of the night and eat corned beef and 
cabbige like a hired man in harvest time. I don’t care 
how dark the night was he could waltz around the 
kitchen a dozen times without a candle and never hit 
the rockin’ chair or miss findin’ the cold vittles, but if I 
happened to send him to lock the kitchen door or wind 
the clock he’d be sure to fall over both rockin’ chairs, 
2 



18 


MAIIETEBLE HOPKINS 


and if he dident run his nose agin the sellar door, and 
no<5k fire and cuss words out of his eyes and mouth, he’d 
manige to stub his shins agin the stove hearth, even if 
the moon was lookin’ right into the kitchen winder. I 
always thought he fell over things a purpose so’s I’d go 
myself the next time, but I dident. Well, as I was 
sayin’, he forgot to ask Stebbins to have some supper, 
so I sot on another bowl and a big spoon, and says I — 
as pleasant as I could under the circumstances, “ Mr. 
Stebbins, won’t you have sum supper with us. We 

haint got very much but ” “ Wall, I don’t know 

but what I will” he interrupted, and as he moved his 
chair up by the table he continued, “ Mush ’n milk is 
quite a rarity to me ’cause my wimmen folks won’t 
hardly ever cook it. Mariar says it aint fit for hogs 
tew eat, but sumhow I always liked it first-rate well.” 

I knew there wouldent be pudden enough for all 
of us, so I pertended that I wanted to read the news in 
the “ Sentinel,” and takin’ the papers and a letter off’n 
the winder sill where Stebbins had laid ’em when he 
1st cum, I went into the settin’-room and sot down in 
my favorite rockin’ chair to rest and read the letter. I 
supposed of course it was from one of Hesekiah’s sisters 
or else from Aunt Melissy, but jest as I’d got a hair- 
pin ready to open the envelope, I noticed that it was a 
strange handwriting, and while I sot there wonderin’ 
who it could be from, Ilesekiah cum to the settin’-room 
door and, in a whisper that anybody could heard clean 
acrost a potater patch, he says, “ Mahetible ! that pud- 
den’s all et up.” 

“ Well, I expected it would be,” says I — as short as 
pie crust, for I was tired, and when I’m tired I aint 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


19 


got a very angelick disposition anyway. “ Haint yew 
got no more,” says he, lookin’ as downhearted as a boy 
without a cent and a big sircuss in town. 

“ No, and that aint the worst of it ; I haint got no 
meal to make any more and you won’t never go to mill 
as long as there’s a spoonfull in the house,” says I, as 
I started for the kitchen calculatin’ to offer Stebbins 
some of the fride cakes I’d got laid a w.ay in the stone 
jar in the sellar ; but I met him cornin’ in to have a 
quiet smoke with Hesekiah, and before I could empty 
the patches (that I’d been using the week before when 
I mended Hesekiah’s every-day pantaloons) out of the 
nearest chair, he’d took mine and seemed so comfort- 
able that I left them talkin’ politics and spittin’ to- 
backer juice on the carpet, while I went out to wash 
the supper dishes. 


CHAPTER II. 


THE LETTER WITH THE STRAHGE HAHDWRITIHG — GOOD 
HEWS — POOR “OLD UHCLE PHILAHDER’S DEAD” — 
MAHETIBLE IS AH HEIRESS — DAY-DREAMS OF THE 
PAST — AIR CASTLES OF THE FUTURE — HEIGHBOR 
STEBBIHS OH A BORROWIHG EXPEDITIOH. 

“ Who’s that letter from,” inquired Hesekiah when 
Stebbins had finally gone and I’d put on my spectacles 
for a 2d time to read it. 

“ I don’t know yit,” says I, still gazin’ at the post- 
mark, and wonderin’ who under the sun had writ to 
me from Hew York. 

“ That’s jest like a woman,” snarled out Hesekiah. 
“ They’ll set and look at a post-mark all day tew find 

out who a letter’s from and ” 

“Mr. Hopkins, them there pesky pigs is in the 
tater patch agin,” interrupted Jonithan, and while he 
and Hesekiah was restorin’ order and pigs to the barn- 
yard I tore open the letter and read as follows : 

Hew York, August 1, 1875. 
Mrs. Hesekiah Hopkihs : 

Dear Madam , — I was called to the almshouse this 
morning to attend the wishes of a dying man. He 
was supposed to be a pauper and had been found in an 
exhausted and dying condition in the dingy garret of 
an old and obscure lodging-house. Upon reaching his 
bedside I found him to be a very intelligent, but some- 
20 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


21 


what eccentric old man, and according to his directions 
I prepared his (Philander Snooks’) last will and testa- 
ment, which after giving a handsome reward to the 
kind hands who had ministered to the last wants of the 
supposed pauper, bequeaths the remainder of his prop- 
erty — amounting to about $1,800, to his beloved 
little niece, Mahetible Snooks (now Mrs. Hesekiah Hop- 
kins), and youngest daughter of his beloved brother, 
Jeremiah Snooks. Please communicate with me at 
once. Yours, etc., 

B. B. Bouncer, Esq., Att’y-at-Law, 

Broadway, Hew York. 

I read the hull letter word for word, but I tell 
you I had a time of it, for the writin’ looked more like 
chickin tracks acrost an onion bed after a spring 
shower than it did like anything sensible, but I stud- 
dy’ed it all out afc last. It was poor old uncle Phi- 
lander, my father’s only livin’ brother, that was dead, 
and the same one that Belindy Ann (she’s my oldest 
and only sister) and mother had turned out of house 
and home a few weeks after father died. Belindy was 
always jest like mother, scornful and proud, and her 
head was always so full of high noshuns that there 
wan’t no room for nothin’ else, while I was more like 
father — kind, lovin’ and gentle, cmd 1 am yit. I had 
always felt sorry for uncle Philander, cause he looked 
so threadbare and homely that nobody else would take 
any notice of the poor old man, and when he told us 
he was goin’ away to sea and wouldent never cum 
back again, I put my arms around his neck and cried 
on his ragged coat collar, as if my poor little heart 


22 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


would break right into in the middle, but Belindy 
snarled out, “ I wish tew goodness yew would go and 
never cum back tew bother us.” “I shan’t never 
trouble yew any more,” says he, as he closed the 
kitchen door behind him for the last time. Bein’ the 
baby, I’d always had things my own way as long as 
father lived, but after he died and ma and Belindy got 
to bossing things around the house it was a little 
different, but uncle Philander’d always took my part 
and when they driv’ him away I made up ma mind to 
be revenged, like the hero in one of them yaller cov- 
ered novels ; and the golden importunity arriv’ sooner’n 
I expected it. How it rather seems to me as if that 
last remark had almost too much flummery about it, 
but Mariar says “it’s jest the thing,” so I gess I’ll 
have to leave it. You see Mariar and me’s in pardner- 
ship. She knows a heap of things about book lamin’, 
and she’s offered to help me along with brilliant idees 
and to lend me her spelhn’ book and dickshunary to 
insult when she wasent here herself, so I agreed to 
give her a % interest of the book — whether I ever got 
it printed or not, but since I’ve got started and see how 
well I can git along alone, I’m almost sorry that I 
made her sich a liberal offer, and besides that her 
noshuns don’t seem to hitch with mine very well. As 
I was sayin’ — Belindy had a bow by the name of 
Amos Pettingill that was cornin’ to see her every 
Sunday night, and I heard her tellin’ mother that she 
thought Amos would pop the question the next Sunday 
night, “ ’cause he was gittin’ so dretful soft and spooney 
of late,” and she did hope he would , ’cause he’d got a 
good clearin’ and a yoke of oxen if he hadent got no 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


23 


sence. Her hair was in curl papers and her heart 
thumpin’ in expectation when Amos arriv’ the next 
Sunday afternoon fully an hour earlier’n usual. 
Mother was over to Deacon Spellicy’s, so Belindy sent 
me to let him into the kitchen while she run up stairs 
to change her dress and put on her shoes and stockins. 
He always brought me somethin’ every time he cum, 
so’s I’d go out in the kitchen and let him kiss Belindy. 
He brought me a big chunk of home’ade molasses 
candy that time, and while I sot on the floor tryin’ to 
pry my teeth apart with my fingers, he says to me in 
a kind of coaxin’ tone : 

“Well, Hetty, what does sister Bell have to say 
about meP 

My mind was as full of indignation as my mouth 
was of sweetness, and as soon as I could swaller a 
chunk of taffy as big as a small hen’s egg, I replied, 
“ Oh, she says ” 

“ What does she say?” he interrupted eagerly. 

“ She says she’s goin’ to marry yew and — — ” 

“ Did she ! Air you sure she said that ? ” says he, 
while a smile spred over his hull countenance like a 
chunk of June butter on a hot pancake. 

“ Yes, she said all of that and lots more besides.” 

“Well, be quick now and tell me all she said, and 
I’ll bring you a hull lot of pop-corn the next time I 
cum, and ” 

“And sum hickory nuts too , and a new doll, and 
sum pickter books, and ” 

“ Yes, yes, I’ll bring you everything you want, if 
you’ll only hurry up,” says he, as impatient as if he 
was in a hurry. 


24 : 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


“ Well, she said that you dident know as much as 
a load of green punkins, but she dident care anything 
about that as long as you had lots of money and was 

fool enough to give her all she wanted, and ” but 

Amos was gone, and I was still settin’ on the floor 
covered with innocence and molasses candy when Be- 
lindy, with a smile on her face as big as a cheese hoop, 
cum sailin’ into the room dressed in the best she had, 
and that wasent very extry. 

Amos dident cum back any more, and she jest raised 
Cain and said she knew I’d said sumthin’ to make him 
mad, but when she got a letter the next day, that was 
writ on a piece of brown paper from the grocery store, 
and said their friendship must ceace forever, etc., etc., 
etc., she jest screamed out, “ Oh, maw, uncle Philander 
has disgraced us,” and then she acted jest as if she’d 
like to faint away if there’ d been any body only me 
and ma there to ketch ’er. She dident seem to pine 
after Amos so very much, but she took on dretful about 
the 10 aker clearin’ and the yoke of oxen. The next 
spring she marrid Bill Spellicy, and they moved down 
to Pawtucket, and I s’pose likely they’re tollerable 
well off now, cause they had a right smart little huckle- 
berry patch and 8 children, the last time I heard from 
them. Then my mind returned to the letter agin. 
Yes, A was the little niece that poor old uncle Philander 
had mentioned in his will. It had been quite a number 
of years since I had heard from uncle Philander, or 
even thought of him for that matter; but he hadent 
never forgot “ my little Maheitble,” as he always called 
me. Since I’d been marrid to Hesekiah, which was 
nigh onto 20 years, the hand of time had made quite a 


AND HEE TEAVEL8. 


25 


change in my personal experience and the little niece 
that uncle Philander had so kindly remembered was 
now a portly woman of 40, wearin’ store teeth and 
spectacles, and weighin’ middlin’ close on to 200 pounds. 
Hesekiah was always sich a shiffles, slow and go-easy 
soul, that I never had no idee of ever bein’ rich, but 
now that I was a heiress with eighteen hundred dollars 
in the bank at New York, waitin’ for me, is it any 
wonder that I was happy, or that the thoughts of a 
brilliant future was chasin’ each other through my 
mind like coons through a cornfield ? How the neigh- 
bors would envy Mahetible Hopkins now. Some of 
them had always acted a trifle stuck up because they 
had lace winder curtins and a 3-ply carpit in their best 
rooms, but now it was my time to in joy luxury s and I 
should feel as if I mint visit the best of ’em with per- 
fect impurity, for I would soon be as rich and ’risto- 
craticle as any of the nabers. I was jest thinkin’ how 
Hesekiah and I’d spend the summer down to Long 
Branch (goodness knows where that is, for I don’t, but 
I know it’s a place where rich folks go to spend the 
summer and the most of their money, and show their 
wearin’ imperial, and sich stale young wimmen as 
Saryann Spriggins goes there to ketch husbuns, jest as 
stale if not staler), and I was jest thinkin’ how proud I 
should feel to see my Hesekiah smokin’ real important 
Havanna cigars like General Grant, and wearing real . 
tailor shop clothes with a geranium leaf pinned to the 
lap-over of his coat, when I was interrupted by Steb- 
bins who opened the settin’-robm door, and, says he, 

“ Miss Hopkins, Mariar wanted me tew cum over and 
ask yew tew lend her yew’r Godey’s magazine, if it 


26 


MAIIETIBLE HOPKINS 


cum tew-day, ’cause she’s thinkin’ about alterin’ over 
her old brown allypacky, and, now she wanted some- 
thin’ else but I’ll be blamed if I hain’t forgot what it 
was. Oh, yes, now I remember, she says if yew’ve 
made sum new yeast and it’s first-rate good, she wants 
tew git a cupful tew start hern with, but if yew hain’t 
got none that’s better ’n the last she got, that she’d 
ruther make salt risin’, ’cause the last lot was a trifle 
sour, and she said I mint bring along a little saleratus, 
and a spool of Ho 40 thread, and the pattern of yewr 
brown overskirt, and yewr washboard, if yew hain’t 
calkerlatin’ tew use it tew-morrer.” 

“Was that all” says I, as I give him a pint bowl 
full of my new yeast and sich of the other articles as I 
had to spare. He said he thought it was, and I 
hurryed back into the kitchen and shet the door for 
fear he’d think of sumthin’ else before he got acrost 
the garden. To say I was mad don’t seem to do the 
subject justice. I had subscribed with Melissy Jane 
Fillimore to git the magazine, calkerlatin’ I’d have ’em 
bound into a big book for my settin’-room table, but 
Miss Stebbins had been borrowin’ ’em every month, 
till they was so completely covered with greasy finger 
marks and absent pages that there wan’t one of ’em 
worth the paper it would take to bind ’em with, but 
says I to myself, “ I’ll keep my patience, ’cause gittin’ 
mad ain’t becummin’to a woman of my intelligence 
and wealth,” and then I went out in the milk sellar 
and skum sum milk for the pigs. 



‘‘NOW, LET ME SEE; THERE WAS SUMTHIN’ ELSE.” 


CHAPTEK III. 


HArPY THOUGHTS INTERRUPTED BY cc HESEKIAH AND 
OTHER COMMON THINGS " — A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING 
— THE OLD BRINDLE COW IN- MISCHIEF — SWEET PICT- 
URES OF HOME — THE OLD-FASHIONED FIRE-PLACE — 
HIGH ASPIRATIONS IN THE MIDST OF PLAIN SUR- 
ROUNDINGS — HESEKIAH’S LACK OF BRILLIANCY. 

I had just got my raspberry jam put away, and 
was pastin’ a paper over the top to keep the red ants 
and Hesekiah out, when the kitchen door opened and 
he inquired: “ Mahetible, where’s that pigs’ feed?” It 
always made me mad to be interrupted when I was 
bizzy, and besides that Hesekiah never could find any- 
thing, even if it was as plain to be seen as the nose on 
his face ; so I replied, in a slightly irrigated tone, “ It’s 
by the sellar door, where it belongs. Did you think 
I’d got it sot up on the pantry shelves along with my 
chiny dishes or ” 

“ Ho, I dident, but I thought it ought ter be sum- 
where ” 

“ And so it is” says I, startin’ for the sellar door, 
where I calkerlated on showin’ him the pail of swill in 
its accustomed place, but it wan’t there. How I always 
have a place for everything and generally calkerlate 
on keepin’ it there, but sumtimes things will git mis- 
placed (as everybody knows that’s keepin’ house), and 
it always happens to be the very thing anybody wants 
the most. 


38 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 


29 


I went into the sellar, where I’d sknm the milk, 
then I looked in the woodshed and under the porch, to 
see if I could been so forgitful as to leave it settin’ 
’round there, and jest as I was goin’ back to the 
kitchen, to see if I sot it in the pantry, when I put the 
pan of potater peelin’s in it after dinner, I seen Jonithan 
cumin’ from the barn with the pail in one hand and an 
armful of wood in the other. “You fed the pigs, 
dident you, Jonithan?” says I, as he sot the pail down 
along side of the wood-box. 

“ Ho, I hain’t fed ’em since mornin’, but I found the 
pail out by the garding fence and I brung it along in.” 

Then it all flashed through my mind with lightnin’ 
velocepede. Along in the afternoon I’d heard the pigs 
squealin’ like a Italian opery troop or Saryann Sprig- 
gins when she was practicin’ for the quire, and thinkin’ 
that mebby they was hungry I took the pail and 
started out to feed ’em. Ever since I had the rumatiz 
so bad in my right shoulder, it has bothered me con- 
ciderable about liftin’ anything, so when I got along 
by the garding I thought I’d set the pail down and 
rest my shoulder while I went over to see how my 
pansy’s, and flocks, and pink verbenys was cummin’ 
on. Jest as I’d turned round to start for the barn I 
seen Pete Billin’s and his wife cumin’ down the road in 
their new carrige, and I wanted to git a good look at 
her (’cause I hadent never seen her out of the house 
before since she’d lived in the neighborhood), so I run 
in the house to peek through the blinds at ’em as they 
went past. Sofrony Jinkins said she was dretful proud, 
and stuck up her nose at the rest of the nabers, but 
I’m sure I can’t see what she’s got to be proud of. To 


30 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


be sure she’s got a black walnut bed-room set, and has 
her parlor fixed up with lace curtins and a walnut 
what-you-call-it in one corner, and one of them bent 
wire croshay games — that you hit with a wooden 
hammer — in her front yard, but that don’t make her 
no better ’n the rest of the nabers. She had on her 
new 10 dollar bunnit (that sum of the wimmen folks 
had most gone crazy over), but it dident amount to very 
much accordin’ to my estimation. It looked as if it had 
been pressed in a cheese press and there wan’t no 
trimmin’ on it only a long white ostrich fether (and 
there’s more ’n £ of them that’s shoddy now days) and 
2 or 3 yaller and red hollyhocks, and sum lace and 
ribbin. It seems to me if she was •£ as proud as folks 
say she is, that she’d straightened k some of the dents 
out of that bunnit before she ever wore it ; but the 
poor thing goes out so little that probably she never 
knew but what that bunnit was jest as fashionable as 
mine or sum of the other nabers. After they’d got out 
of sight I picked up my last magazine (that I’d jest got 
home from Stebbins’es after sendin’ Hesekiah for it 3 
different times), and looked over the fashions to see 
if I could find a pattern suitable for makin’ over my 
old green delain dress, ’cause I’d ingaged Melindy 
Bradford to help me fix it over, so’s I could have 
sumthin’ new to wear to the county fair. Of course I 
always tried to fix up as fashionable as our sircum- 
stances would permit, but now that I was rich it would 
be nescessary for me to be more particular about my 
personal experience. How, it seems as if that last 
sentence was almost to hifalutin for the rest of the 
book, but Mariar composed that herself, and she said 


Am> HER TRAVELS. 


31 


it would be “ perfectly vaccinatin’ ” (or some sich a 
remark as that), and so I gess I’ll leave it be. Jest 
then I happened to think that my jam mint be burnin’ 
and I rushed out into the kitchen and found — the fire 
out and the jam pritty nigh cold. Well, as I was 
say in’, Jonithan was standin’ there by the wood-box 
pickin’ a splinter out of his thum with a darnin’ needle, 
and says I, “ You found the pail out by the fence, dident 
ye?” 

“ Yes’m. Yew see that tarnal old brindle cow had 
got in the garding agin, and when I went tew drive 
her eout I found this ’ere pail.” 

“ Had she et up all that was in it ? ” 

“Ho, mom, there’s sum of the cabbiges, and the 
onion bed, and a few of them there flat turnips, and 
sum ” 

“ I ment what was in the pail,” says I, laffin’ over 
his mistake. 

“ Oh, yes — she’d et all of that and everything else 
that she could find.” 

“ She didn’t eat my pansys, did she ? ” 

“Wall, now, tew tell the honest truth, Miss Hopkins, 
I can’t tell them pansys from the beets and rutty bagas, 
but I’ll jest be gingswizzled if she hain’t et up pritty 
nigh everything.” 

Jest then Hesekiah cum in, and was gittin’ good and 
mad about the garding bein’ sp’ilt, when Malvin Peggs 
cum over after him to docter a cow that was choked 
eatin’ flat turnips. You see, Hesekiah is a regular 
horse-docter, and folks cum for miles after him when 
their cattle git the botts or the horse-distemper, and 
he’d always cure ’em every time, if they dident die. 


32 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


If Mariar don’t help me more’n she has lately, this firm 
will he composed of only one woman in a few days, 
’cause it’s agin my principles to set here and puzzle my 
brains to find the big words in the dickshunary, and 
jest as I git where they air they’re tore out, and let her 
do nothin’ only find fault and take i the profits, after 
I’ve been to all the responsibility of writin’ the book 
and gittin’ it run through a printin’-otfice. USTo, sir. 
I’m a bisiness woman myself, and unless she either fur- 
nishes labor or material, there’ll be a change in this 
firm inside of no time. But to return to my subject. 

The air was so kinder calm and chilly that Jonithan 
thought we was goin’ to have a frost, so I built a fire 
in the fire-place, and then I went out to cover up my 
plants, but, with the exception of my Calif orny cactus, 
a good-sized postige-stamp would covered ’em all up 
and had lots of room to lop down ’round the ages. 
The cactus looked so lonesum standin’ there among so 
much desolation that I took it in the house, and, for 
fear Hesekiah mint tumble over it and break off sum 
of the prongs, I sot it down by the foot of the bed 
and covered it up with my old dirty gingham apron, 
and then I sot down to muse and wait for Hesekiah to 
cum home. 

I still used the old-fashioned fire-place, for 2 or 3 
most excellent reasons. One was because Hesekiah 
positively refused to buy coal or anything to burn it 
in, and as to a wood-stove, that was out of the ques- 
tion, for it was next to impossible to git the men folks 
to cut eneough wood for the kitchen stove: so, as I said 
before, I still used the old fire-place. Hot that it was 
a hansum affair, or thro wed out so very much heat, but 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


33 


it was better than no fire at all. As I sot there gazin’ 
into the smoulderin’ embers — if smoke and ashes and 
green wood can be called sich — I thought more about 
my pansys and the old brindle retch (that had et part 
of them and tramped the rest into the ground) than I 
did of the brilliant future awaitin’ me and Hesekiah. 
How she ever maniged to git that gate opened was a 
mistry to me till I happened to think that I left it open 
myself. I felt the worst about my butiful sweet- 
centered geranium and the white Cornelia that Aunt 
Betsy Collingwood brought me the time she and her 
2nt husbun’ cum up to our house on their weddin’ 
tower. But then, what was that disapointment, com- 
pared to the thousan’ and one agrivations I had put up 
with when I was poor? I couldent really say that I’d 
ever been particularly happy with Hesekiah durin’ the 
20 years of our marrid life, on account of his con- 
trary ways and f ault-findin’ disposition ; but still, like 
a patient wife, I had submitted to all without a mur- 
mur — that is, without reprimandin’ him too much. Of 
course, anybody 'must check sich headstrong disposi- 
tions once in the while, but I always made it a pint to 
do so as gently as I possibly could under the sircum- 
stances. The plain truth of the matter was this: My 
asperations was always hankerin’ for sumthin’ greater’n 
my humble position would allow. The very idee of 
bein’ a farmer’s wife and soilin’ my white hands and 
flounced calico ’rappers among the pots and kittles in 
a dirty farm-house kitchen, almost upsot my dignity 
every time I thought on it. I longed for sum distinc- 
tion greater’n bein’ a farmer’s wife. I never arriv’ at 
no defenite idee of jest how I wanted it to overtake me, 
3 


34 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


but I felt as if I should be perfectly satisfide if I could 
do sumthin’ or other that would give my name sich a 
boost as Lydia E. Pinkham’s vegetable composition did 
hern, and then , whenever I picked up a newspaper, 
I’d feel a sence of gratified ambition that would succeed 
in brightenin’ up the dark corners of my gloomy exist- 
ence and bind the ages with the silver linin’ of pure 
contentment, as it were. (That’s sum more of Mariar’s 
composin’; but as it sounded tollerable smooth and 
eddicated, I thought I’d put it in.) “ Why did I ever 
marry Hesekiah Hopkins ? ” was a question I’d asked 
myself more’n a thousan’ times, without ever gittin’ a 
very defenite anser. My superior (Mariar says that 
should been writ inferior, so jest take your choice) 
eddication was always conciderable of a drawback, 
and kept me from advancin’ to my proper place in the 
world ; but there wasent anybody to blame only 
myself. Father tried to make me learn sumthin’ — 
and, poor man ! he did have a time of it, for, in my 
youthful innocence, I hated to study almost as bad as 
I hated to do anything else that I had to — but now I 
wish he had succeeded in elevatin’ my idees ever so 
much higher’n he did. Instid of marryin’ some poplar 
man like Ben Butler or George Elliot, and havin’ my 
name in the “ personal items ” every day and sumtimes 
twice a day, I had jined my hand and fortune with 
simple Hesekiah Hopkins. I don’t wonder that I git 
discouriged when I think of it. If I’d only took to 
books a little more , and to Hesekiah a little less, I mint 
now been realisin’ the hopes and ambitions of my 
heart; but instid of that I consented to marry a 
farmer and bury my talons in the bread-dough and 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


85 


dim my superior intellect scrubbin’ floors and makin’ 
butter for 8 cows. If Hesekiah had been a brilliant 
man, chock full of energy and genius, I shouldn’t won- 
dered at my choice ; but, without exageratin’ the mat- 
ter a bit, he was one of the ignerantest and awkwardest 
young men in our naberhood when I marrid him — and, 
for that matter, he is yit. In fact, he don’t know 
nothin’, and probably always will. 


«- 


CHAPTEK IV. 


SAL PERKINS’S VISIT — SHE MAKES A CONFIDANTE OF 
MAHETIBLE — THE CONFIDENCE BETRAYED — A DARK 
PLOT SUCCESSFULLY LAID — HESEKIAH’S COURTSHIP — 
HESEKIAH EXPLAINS MATTERS TO BROTHER JIM — 
AN ENTHUSIASTIC MEETING AT PERKINS’S — SALLY’S 
GRIEF. 

The cause of all my trouble was that mischief- 
makin’ Sal Perkins, for I don’t believe I’d ever marrid 
Hesekiah in this world if it hadent been to spite her. 
The way it happened was this. She cum over to our 
house one mornin’ — when I was makin’ punkin pies for 
Elder Hardscrabble’s donation — a gigglin’ and grin- 
nin’ as usual, only she seemed to be havin’ a worse 
spell that day, and says she : 

“ Mahetible, have yew hearn the news ? ” 

“ Ho ; what is it ? ” says I, shorter’n the pie-crust I 
was makin’, for I expected she was goin’ to start out 
and tell all about the quiltin’ over to old Miss Wil- 
mott’s, and who was there, and what they done, but 
for once in my life I was mistaken. 

“How, Mahetible, if I tell yew a secrit will yew 
promise never tew tell nobody nothin’ about* it as long 
as yew live \ ” 

“ Yes, I’ll promise,” says I, for I was anxious to 
know what she was so excited about. 

“ Wall, yew know Hesekiah Hopkins seen me home 
from Deacon Butterfield’s apple-cut the other night, 
and he ” 


36 


! 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 37 

“ Why, I thought Bill Spooner took you,” says I, 
in a dretful surprised tone of voice. 

“ I did go with Bill, hut he got to foolin’ ’round 
that freckle-faced girl that’s workin’ for Uncle Jere- 
miah Patterson’s folks, and I got mad and asked 
Hesekiah if I couldent walk home along with him 
(jest to bother Bill, yew know, hut land sakes alive, 
anybody knows I never cared nothin’ for him, nohow), 
and when we was cornin’ along home Hesekiah told 
me that he’d got a notion tew git marrid, and then he 
got to talkin’ offle earnest, and he stopped right in the 
middle of the road and says he, 4 Sally, I’ve got my 
girl picked eout, but I’m so tarnal ’fraid she’ll give me 
the mitten that I dassent ask ’er.’ I knew he ment 
me all the time, and he looked so scart and bashful that 

1 spoke right up, and says I, 4 Don’t be the least bit 
afraid, Hesekiah, for no girl that’s got any sence could 
ever refuse yew? 4 Dew yew really think so, Sally % ’ 
says he, ketchin’ holt of my hand, and I knew by the 
look on his face that he was goin’ tew pop the question 
right there in the road by Deacon Comstock’s apple- 
orchard, and I was jest calkerlatin’ on failin’ into his 
arms and sayin’ 4 yes, Hesekiah dear, I’ll marry yew 
and I’ll try my best tew make yew a good wife,’ when 

2 of old Squire Titus’ es boys overtook us and com- 
menced tew talk about the apple-cut, and we had tew 
postpone our conversation till some other time. When 
we got along by our gate he stopped long enough tew 
whisper, 4 good night, Sally ; neow don’t yew tell,’ and I 
promised I wouldent ; but I was so happy tew think that 
he should take a notion tew me , that I had tew come over 
and tell yew. But, of course, I knew yew wouldent tell.” 


38 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


The very thought of that mischief-makin’ Sal Per- 
kins marryin’ a real nice young feller like Hesekiah 
completely upsot me, and I was sorry that I hadent 
treated him a little better to the huskin’ bees and 
apple-cuts that fall. Not that I wanted him at all, 
myself, but to think of that meddlin’, red-headed Sal 
Perkins gittin’ him was too much for me, and I made 
up my mind that I’d give Hesekiah a good talkin’ to, 
but the more I tried to see him the more he acted as if 
he wanted to keep out of my way. The next Saturday 
night there was a spellin’ -school over in Bob Has- 
kins’ es naberhood, and all the young folks from our 
part went over together in a big load. Of course, Sal 
was along, and the way she had her hair fixed up with 
bow-ketchers and artificial roses was a caution. By 
the time we got along by the widder Hopkins’ es, the 
sleigh was tollerable full of noise and young folks, but 
Hesekiah managed to squeeze in along side of Deliley 
Butterfield, and Sal looked so mad about it that I 
couldent hardly keep from laffin’ right in her face ; but 
she maniged to git over where Hesekiah was, at recess, 
and rode home along side of him when the spellin’- 
school was out. I tried to git a chance to talk to Hes- 
ekiah, but he acted as if he was afraid I’d eat him, if I 
got near eneough, and when I spoke to him on the way 
home, he’d jerk out a word to a time, like he wasent 
feelin’ very well. The next mornin’, when I was 
washin’ up the breakfast dishes, Sal cum runnin’ over, - 
and the minnit she seen me she hollered out : “ Oh, 
Mahetible, you don’t know how happy I am, for Hes- 
ekiah asked me last night ! ” 

“Did he, honestly now, without jokin’?” 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


39 


“Yes, honest.” 

“What did he say?” I inquired, for my curiosity 
was fully aroused. 

“ Oh, he dident say so very much, only he asked me 
if I’d thought anything more about what we was 
talkin’ about, and I told him I had , and I thought it 
was the best thing he could do, and that for my part 
I was willin’. ‘Oh, Sally, dew yew really mean it?’ 
says he. ‘Yes, Hesekiah, I mean every word of it,’ 
says I, and then he leaned down closer tew me and, 
says he, ‘Heow, Sally, yew won’t tell nobody, will 
ye?’ ‘Ho, Hesekiah, I won’t tell, ’cause I’d feel jest 
as bad tew have folks hear of it as yew would, and 
I don’t know but what I should feel worse.’ That 
seemed to satisfy him, and then he went on and told 
me how he’d like tew be married Christmas, and he 
said he wanted me tew cum over and ask yew, ’cause 
he was afraid tew. Yew will cum tew the weddin’, 
won’t yew, Mahetible ? ’cause Hesekiah mentioned yew 
in perticular, and said he should cum over and asked 
yew himself, if he wan’t so dretful bashful about it.” 

I promised I’d go, but I firmly resolved on seein’ 
Hesekiah and havin’ a good long talk with him 1st. 
Hot that I wanted to make any trouble, but I felt as 
if it was my duty to advise the poor boy for his own 
good, so that afternoon I made an excuse to go over 
to Miss Hopkins’s after her brass kittle to color carpit 
rags in. I dident go till middlin’ late in the afternoon, 
’cause I knew Hesekiah’s mother — dear good old 
soul — wouldent let me leave till after supper, and as 
they always et after candle-light I was pritty sure 
Hesekiah’ d have to see me home; and besides that I 


4:0 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


knew the kittle was too heavy for me to carry 
alone. 

“ Good evenin’, Mahetible,” says Hesekiah when he 
cum in that evenin’, and then he went off into the dark 
corner beyend the fire-place, and sot there without 
speakin’ to nobody till supper, was reddy. While we 
was eatin’ supper Miss Hopkins spoke up, and says she, 
“ Hesekiah, I want yew tew go along home with 
Mahetible and help her carry the big brass kittle, and 
don’t f orgit tew ask Miss Snooks for sum of her ground 
ginger, for I’ve got my punkin all stewed for pies and 
hain’t got the first pinch of ginger tew put in ’em.” 
Hesekiah was so kinder flustrated when I looked over 
at him to see if he was calkerlatin’ to go, that he 
swallowed down a hull sasser full of bilin’ hot black 
tea, and I reckon he’d swallowed the big blue and 
white sasser, if his mother hadent changed the subject 
by inquirin’ who we was goin’ to git to weave our rag 
carpit. When we started for home, Hesekiah walked 
along with his head bent down and the big brass kittle 
swingin’ on his arm, jest as if he dident like the com- 
pany he was in. I waited quite a spell for him to say 
sumthin’, and then I stepped up closer to him, and 
says I, “ Hesekiah Hopkins, what’s the matter with 
you ? ” 

“Nothin’,” says he, still lookin’ down at his feet. 

“ Then what makes you act so mad at me lately ? ” 
“I — I hain’t mad at yew, Mahetible,” says he, 
oneasily, as he shifted the kittle over onto the other arm. 
“ Then why don’t you talk to me any more ? ” 

“ I dew talk tew yew, don’t I ?” says he, cumin’ up a 
step closer. 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


41 


“ No, you don't, and I’m jest as mad at you as I can 
be, and I’ll never speak to you agin as long as I live, 
there ! ” and the next thing I knew I was cryin’ like a 
baby, and Hesekiah had sot the big brass kittle down 
in the middle of the road and was tryin’ in his clumsy 
way to comfort me, and wipe the tears off’n my cheeks 
with his coat sleeve. As soon as I stopped cryin’ long 
eneough to give him a chance he spoke up, and says he : 

“Now, look here, Mahetible, don’t yew go tew 
takin’ on that way, ’cause it makes me feel dretful bad 
tew see yew cryin’.” 

“ Yes, you’re a nice one, to stand there pity in’ me, 
when you’re goin’ to marry Sal Perkins.” 

“ Me — marry Sal Perkins ? ” repeated Hesekiah. 

“Yes, that’s what I said, and you needent deny it, 
either, ’cause Sal told me all about it, and I think 
you’re jest as mean as you can be, ’cause there’s lots of 
other girls you could ” 

“ Mahetible,” says he, interruptin’ me, “ it was yew 
that I wanted all the time, and I told Sally to ask yew 
about it, ’cause I was afraid you mint give me the 
mitten if /did.” 

He seemed to git over his bashfulness ofile fast after 
that, and the next thing I knew he had both of his arms 
around me and was squeezin’ away like a patent sider- 
press. He told me if I dident say “ yes,” that he’d 
hold me right there till broad daylight ; so what could 
I do but give my consent ? — and then Hesekiah picked 
up the kittle, and we went home to insult mother about 
the weddin’. Hesekiah went over to Perkinses the 
next day to tell Sally that she’d made a mistake about 
his intentions, but before he could explain the matter 


42 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 


to her perfect satisfaction, Bro’ Jim lit onto him like a 
chickin on a June-bug, and if Sally and her mother 
hadent interfered jest when they did, they’d had to 
gethered Hesekiah up with a garding rake and sent his 
remains home in a corn-baskit. Hesekiah complained 
of not feelin’ very well for as much as three weeks, but 
he got his nose straightened up and could walk toller- 
able good without his crutches by the time the weddin’ 
cum off ; but he still had a dretful billious look about 
his countenance. Sally dident take on nigh as bad as 
we thought she would ; but, as soon as the docter could 
give us the least hope about Hesekiah’ s recovery, she 
packed up her carpit-sack and went down to Aunt Dor- 
othy Baker’s to spend Christmas, and the next we 
heard of her she’d marrid an old bal’-headed widower 
with the gout and 4 children. 


CHAPTER V. 


HOME, SWEET HOME — HESEKIAH ENJOYS A QUIET SMOKE — 
the' lawyer's letter — hesekiah’s surprise and 

PLEASURE OYER THE GOOD HEWS — MAHETIBLE EX- 
PLAINS MATTERS SOMEWHAT FORCIBLY — A LITTLE 
DIFFICULTY IN THE FAMILY. 

I was ’roused from my dreams of the past to the 
stern reality of the present by the return of Hesekiah 
from Malvin Peggs’es. After he’d pulled his boots off 
and stretched his feet out to the fire, he lit his pipe 
and begun to puff away, as if he thought he could 
make more smoke than the green hemlock stick in the 
fire-place. I’ve had the guitar in my head for a num- 
ber of years (Hesekiah — the heartless wretch — says 
it’s a good thing Pve got sumthin’ to fill up the 
vacancy) and he knows tobacker smoke almost chokes 
me to death, but yet he will smoke. How, I wouldent 
mind his takin’ a little comfort with his pipe if he’d 
only go down to the corn-house, or even set out on the 
back porch; but he’s so contrary that he won’t do 
nothin’ I want him to, and besides that he raises his 
own tobacker — the nateral leaf kind — and it’s so 
strong it would drive a donkey out of the house, and 
I don’t see how he expects me to stand it, but I do. 
Years and years ago I made up my mind to be a mar- 
tyr, and I don’t never complain, only when I’m driv’ to 
it. After he’d puffed away till the settin’-room tasted 
like a tobacker factory, he laid his old, dirty pipe away 
43 


u 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 



in my basket of carpet rags, and says he: “ Where’s 
that letter yew got t’night ? ” 

I reached it over in perfect silence, for I knew he 
conldent make out J a dozen words in all day. He 


HESEKIAH ENJOYS A QUIET SMOKE. 

study ed it oyer for as much as 15 or 20 minnits and 
then he turned to me, sayin’ : 

“ What is that, anyheow ? ” 

“ What does it look like ? ” says I, still gazin’ at 
the smokin’ ruins in the fire-place. 



AND TIER TRAVELS. 


45 


“Well, I’ll be gosh-durned if I can tell what it 
does look like, but if I’m any judge of the matter, it’s 
either one of Horace Greeley’s old editorials, or else 
it’s a Chinese prize puzzle.” 

“How your ignorance annoyes me,” says I, with all 
the dignity I could command. 

“ It would take a Filladelphy lawyer tew tell what 
that thing stood for,” says he, still gazin’ at the conun- 
drum. 

“ It was writ by a lawyer, and ” 

“Well, that explains why it’s writ in dutch, but 
what bisiness have yew got, gittin’ letters from lawyers 
that /can’t read,” says he, glarin’ at me like a choked cat. 

Hesekiah was naturally of a jealous disposition, 
but I don’t never incourige him in it, so I took the 
letter and read it through as well as I could, and when 
I’d finished I looked up at Hesekiah, and there was 
a smile on his face as big as a full moon. 

“Well, well, Mahetible, we’re in luck neow, hain’t 
we?” 

“I don’t see how it’s goin’ tew help yew so very 
much,” says I, in tones as cold as an ice-cream freezer. 

“ That’s so, Mahetible ; but, yew see, Malvin Peggs 
was tellin’ me only jest this evenin’ how he’d cleared 
the last payment on his lower farm by investin’ in 
them Midland railroad bonds, and he was tellin’ me 
where anybody could git a hull slew of ’em for less’n 
cost, and I’ll buy every last one of ’em as soon as that 

money comes, and I ” 

“You’ll do no sich a thing, Mr. Hopkins.” 
“^rusalem, Hetty ! What’s the matter now f ” 

“ Nothin’, only that money belongs to me and you 


46 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


can’t have it. Do you understand ? ” says I, as I leaned 
back in my chair and gazed over onto him with one of 
my most determined-lookin’ looks. 

“ Yes, I understood what yew said, but what’s the 
use of yewr actin’ that way ? ” timidly inquired Hese- 
kiah. 

“ Simply because I’ve at last got sum pockit money 
of my own, and if I want to buy a paper of pins or a 
spool of bastin’-thread, I hain’t got to hear you growl 
about it for 6 weeks.” 

“ Heow, Hetty ” 

“ Don’t call me Hetty, Mr. Hopkins, for you know 
you never call me that only when you think you can 
gain your p’int in an argument.” 

“ Well, Mahetible, then, if that suits yew any better, 
hain’t I always allowed yew a liberal supply of 
spendin’ money since we was marrid, and yew ” 

“ Liberal, a liberal supply of spendin’ money, did 
you say ? ” says I, turnin’ a look onto him that would 
soured sweet milk or froze cucumber vines in July. 

“ Yes, that’s how it sounded tew me, Mahetible,” 
says Hesekiah, in that calm but dretful provokin’ way 
of hisn. 

“Well, if you call that liberal , what under the sun 
would you call mean, and stingy, and penurious ? Here 
I’ve been slavin’, and workin’, and darnin’, and patch- 

in’ ” “ And scolding, and fault finding, and 

gaddin’ around the naberhood,” added Hesekiah, but 
I never took no notice of the interruption, and I con- 
tinued, “ for the last 20 years, and what have I got to 
show for it. What I really needed about the house 
I’ve bought with the butter ’n eggs, and do you re- 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


47 


member last spring, when I took 15 cents out of your 
pockit-book to send after pansy and portulaccy seeds, 
that you never spoke to me for 2 hull days, and when 
you did open your shell, the 1st word was, “ sich ex- 
travagance nearly kills me,” and goodness knows it’s a 
grate pitty it hadent finished up the job. You’ve 
always imposed on my good nature jest because I was 
so patient, and was a woman of very few words, but if 
I’d been findin’ fault and grumblin’ like sum wimmen, 
you’d seen the difference, and likely stars too. You’ve 
made me burn them dirty old taller candles for 20 
years, and borrow the mould of the nabers to make 
’em in, jest because you was “ afraid of them pesky 
explosion lamps,” but it wan’t no sich a thing. You 
was too stingy to buy the lamps, and you know it 
HesekiahP 

He dident make no reply, and jest as I was goin’ to 
pick up my argument agin, I noticed his chair was 
empty. He had slipped away in his stockin’ feet, and, 
while I was wonderin’ what made him leave when I 
was talkin’ to him so reasonable, I heard a noise that 
sounded like sawin’ hemlock boards with a dull saw, 
and then I knew that Hesekiah was — asleep. I wanted 
to use another word right there, but I couldent find it 
in the dicktionary, ’cause I dident know what I wanted 
to look for, but I know it’s dretful impressin’. The 1st 
time I ever heard it was the summer Lisyann Padclle- 
ford kept the school and boarded to our house. I 
remember she and I’d been down to Spriggins’es one 
evenin’, and when we cum home she whispered to me 
sumthin’ about Hesekiah bein’ in the arms of sumbody, 
and I understood her to say sumthin about “ more 


48 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


fuss,” and I remember tellin’ her, as I started towards 
the bedroom with the rollin’-pin, that there’ d probably 
be “ more fuss ” if I happened to find anything ’rong, 
but I dident. Lizyann almost died a laffin’, and then 
she told me that it wan’t nothin’ only a phraze that was 
used to tell when folks was asleep, but I told her any- 
body could tell when Hesekiah was asleep without that , 
’cause he always snored in plain inglish. But to pro- 
ceed with my story. 

That was always the way with that man. So in- 
different and contrary that he’d upsot Job’s patience if 
he’d had him, instid of his usual batch of biles. He 
knows that there hain’t nothin’ that ’ll make me so 
mad as to have him walk off when I’m talkin’ to him, 
jest as if he hadent the least disregard for my feelin’s 
whatever, but I don’t say this to find fault. I always 
aim to talk patiently to my husbun, and if I do say it 
myself I’ve been a prize to that man, but yet he never 
seems to realise it, and in all probability he never will 
till it’s too late , but when I’m took away from him, and 
my gentle voice and lovin’ counsel is hushed forever, 
then and not till then, will he realise what a priceless 
treasure he has lost. It was a great trial to my sensi- 
ble and trustin’ natur’ at 1st to have a husbun so in- 
different, but I’ve got hardened to it now, for after 
anybody’s been a constant companion to Hesekiah 
Hopkins for 20 years, they can git along with all the 
hardships in this world, and part that’s in the next. 
But settin’ there broodin’ over my troubles wouldent 
make ’em any the less, so I went out in the wood-shed 
to see if I could find sumthin’ that would do for 
shavin’s to start the fire with. I hunted the wood-house 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


49 


over till I found a piece of an old barrel stave, and 
after I’d whittled that as well as I could with a dul] 
knife, I cut my thum and went to bed. 

4 


CHAPTER VL 


UNPLEASANT DREAMS — “ NO MATCHES IN THE BOX J< ’ — 
SERIOUS DIFFICULTY WITH THE CALIFORNIA CACTUS — 
WAKING HESEKIAH AND THE MIDNIGHT ECHOES — HES- 
EKIAH INTERVIEWS THE CACTUS PLANT — SOME SLIGHT 
MISTAKES IN SPRING POETRY — THE PARTNERSHIP DIS- 
SOLVED — DANGERS THREATEN THE WRITER. 

Sometime along in the night I got to dreamin’ that 
Hesekiah had got all my money investid in Railroad 
bonds, and was tryin’ to git the widder Fergison to 
elope with him to Utah, and jine the Mormon church, 
and I got so excited that I woke up to find both of my 
hands clinched in Hesekiah’s hair (if the little fringe 
around the age of his bald pate can be called sich), but 
he dident seem disturbed in the least, for he snored on 
as peaceful as a sleepin’ babe. Jest as I’d got quieted 
down and was thinkin’ about goin’ to sleep agin, I hap- 
pened to think that Hesekiah forgot to wind the clock 
before he cum to bed, and I poked him in the ribs with 
my elbow till I got tired, but nothin’ rewarded my 
labors unless it was an occasional snore louder’n the 
rest. I knew I couldent wake him up without breakin’ 
a rib, so I thought I’d better go and wind the clock 
myself. JSTow I hain’t afraid in the dark, but sumhow 
I always like to have the candle lit when I go pokin’ 
round the house, at night, but after I’d felt all along the 
wall, and had knocked Hesekiah’s bottle of hair re- 
viewer off’n the stand, I happened to think that there 
50 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 51 

hadent been no matches in the box since I took it out 
in the kitchen to fill it the week before, and had forgot 
to bring it back. I knew I’d have to go in the dark, 
so I thought I mint as well start 1st as last. When I 
clum out over the foot of the bed I never thought a 
word about the Californy cactus till I’d planted both 
my feet right in where the thorns was thickest, and 
then I dident remember what it was, till I’d give a 
screech that histed Hesekiah right up in the middle of 
the bed, and made Tige growl for two hours. 

Hesekiah was always dretful scarey about burgulars, 
and I reckon when he seen me hoppin’ around, first on 
one foot and then on the other, that he thought he was 
all surrounded, ’cause he only made one jump till he 
was clean under the bed among the old boots and slip- 
pers. I told him it wasent nothin’ dangerous, and suc- 
ceeded in coaxin’ him out from under the bed with the 
broom, but sumhow he wasent eggzactly settled in 
his mind, for instid of cumin’ to bed, he preferred to 
stand ’round and arger the p’int. He undertook to set 
down (on what he evidently took to be a chair at the 
foot of the bed), but he dident stay there very long. 
He jest give one yell (that was about way between 
a Cum-at-ye war-’hoop and a political meetin’), and 
then he flew up into the air as if he’d been shot out of 
a patent pigeon-trap, and after executin’ a few steps of 
a new and very orriginal can-can, he clum into bed, 
rubbin’ the bottom end of his back and mutterin’ sum- 
thin’ about “ folks not havin’ any better sence than tew 
leave their pin-cushions layin’ ’round in the chairs for 
folks tew set on.” If I hadent been so bizzy pullin’ 
cactus thorns out of my toes, I should had to laff right 


*2 MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 

out, and, as it was, I smole a dretful wicked smile, 
’cause I knew he’d sot down on that cactus , and I had 
a pritty good idee that he hadent injoyed it very much. 
Bein’ out in the night air so long, with nothin’ on but 
a cheap night-shirt and his bathin’ costume, give him 
the ear-ake, and after I’d laid there an hour listenin’ 
to him groan and swear, I got up and got sum cotton 
battin’, and, after infaturatin’ it with sweet oil and 
laudnum, I gently pressed it into the office of his ear 
(as Dr. Dingman had ordered); but I gess it dident 
help him very much, for the next mornin’ his ear looked 
like a Baltimore oyster-shell, and sot out from his head 
like a tin eave-spout. He always thought I used his 
wart remedy instid of the laudnum, but I’m sure I 
don’t know, ’cause the room was real dark when I 
mixed up the prespiration, but I do know that he had 
a terrible lookin’ handle on one side of his head for 
over a week. The next mornin’ the clock had run 
down, and that cactus-plant looked as raggid as the 
flag the soldiers brought back from the army ; but the 
nabers had all been teasin’ for sum slips, so I cut off a 
dozen or 15 of the best ones and thro wed the rest of it 
over in the hog-pastur’. 

Well, it’s cum at last. Mariar and I have both 
resolved, and I shall continue the pardnership all alone 
hereafter. The way it cum to happen was this. You 
see, Mariar’s in love and she’s got a hankerin’ notion 
to have it published all over the hull world and part of 
Hew Jersey. Sumtimes it flattered me to have her 
chuse my book as a medium of distribution, and then 
agin it made me mad, for I don’t see no sence in 
mixin’ sich sentimental nonsence into a book of fax and 



54 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


good, sound sence (like this is destined to be). Good- 
ness knows, I’ve tried as hard as I could to please that 
woman, but I can’t mix in her home’ade poetry so’s it’ll 
jog along peacably with my brilliant idees, no way I 
can fix it. They mix together jest about as reddily as 
grease and water, and the more 1 try to tone ’em down 
and make ’em harmonise, the worse they seem to want 
a divourse, and I’ve cum to the conclusion that I hain’t 
goin’ to ruin the reputation of my book tryin’ to 
crowd in a slew of her stuff (that sounds jest as much 
out of place as a handful of gravel stones goin’ 
through a coffy grinder). I hain’t in love, myself, and 
if it always makes sich fools of folks as it does of her 
I don’t believe I ever was, and I hope to gracious I 
never will be. Last night she brought over the straw 
that broke the camomile’s back. There was 17 verses 
like the following sample, only worse : 

6 ‘ Where the little birdlets warble 

Their bright, happy songs of praise. 

Where the brooklet gently murmurs 
And the evenin’ zeffers plays— 

There’s where I lost my heart and 1st my true love seen.”J 

I spent 2 hours and 20 minutes tryin’ to find out 
what relation that was to my experience, and then I 
spent 13 minnits more to model it over into sumthin’ 
which I — bein’ a farmer’s wife — considered more 
appropriate for the occasion. This is it : 

“ Where the little froglets croak 
Out their merry notes of praise. 

Where the creek runs through the medder. 

And the spotted heffers graze — 

There’s where I wet my feet, gatherin’ cow-slop greens.” 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


55 


The 1st hint I had that Mariar dident approve of 
the liberty I’d took, was when she exclaimed in an irri- 
gated tone : 

“ Oh, Miss Hopkins ! You’ve ruined all the har- 
mony of that beautiful poem with your degestable 
blunders.” 

“That hain’t a blunder. It’s some of my poetry, 
and I put it in, jest to make sence,” says I, triumphantly. 

“ It’ll be the 1st thing of the kind you ever put in,” 
says she, in a middlin’ sarcastic tone. 

“ I reckon I know as much about writin’ sence, as 
any love-sick old maid knows about sentimental poetry, 
and ” 

“ I’m a love-sick old maid, am I — ” says she, gath- 
erin’ up her spellin’ book and dicktionary and makin’ 
other visible preperations of resolvin’ pardnership by 
mutual consent. Jest as she got to the door she turned 
’round as if she’d thought of sumthin’, and, says she : 

“Mahetible Hopkins, you needent depend on my 
help any longer, for I wouldent have another thing to 
do with your old book if I knew you’d get $50 for it.” 

“ Goodness knows, I’m dretful glad to git red of you 
and your gushin’ sentiments, and I’m sure I’ve got ina- 
bility eneough to write all the books I want to,” says I, 
defiantly. 

“ Yes, I gess likely you Time” says she, as she closed 
the door from the outside, and I was left alone in my 
glory and ignorance. How I shall succeed now is 
more’n I can tell, but I’ll try and manige it sumhow, 
for I want Mariar Mullins to understand that I’ve got 
sum natural talons of my own, if I hain’t so very showy 
as fur as ’pearances go. Well, Pve at last succeeded in 


56 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 


borrowin’ one of them new illustrated dictionarys, 
and now I shall endeavor to press forward after the 
gold. I s’pose now I’d be prepared to deceive the 
poor unsuspectin’ publick worse’n ever, but I shan*t do 
it fur it’s worse than highway robbin’, and Fd jest as 
soon be a bank cashier — and run away with poor 
folks’ es earnin’s, that they’d trusted to me for safe 
keepin’ — as to claim the honor of this hull book, with- 
out givin’ due credit to the help I deriv’ from the dic- 
tionary. The only difference between me and Geo. 
Washington, is, that I could tell a lie, if I wanted to 
real bad, but I don’t, ’cause I never expect to be a book 
agent or a lawyer, and so there’s no use for me to prac- 
tice, and besides that, a real earnest liar hain’t never to 
be depended on. 


CHAPTER YII. 


THE LEGACY RECEIVED — HAPPINESS REIGNS SUPREME 

MAHETIBLE CONCLUDES “ TO TRAVIL ” — HESEKIAH 
DON’T — SOME PLAIN TALK INDULGED IN — LOVINY 
FERGISON GIVES HER OPINION — THE QUESTION SET- 
TLED AT LAST. 

After I’d got my money I was in hopes Hesekiah 
and I would git along better than we had, but it 
wasent long till I discovered that riches wouldent 
bring us happiness. 

On the contrary, it seemed to be a perfect “ bone 
of attention ” between us. The “ skeleton in our 
pantry closit” was this. I always had middlin’ high 
notions, and now that we’d got money in the bank 
and folks was willin’ to recognize us on account of it, 
I wanted Hesekiah to fix up a little and look as if he 
took sum pride in his personal experiance, but the 
more I talked the carelesser he got. It had always 
been my grate ambition to travil and see sumthin’ of 
the world — outside of our naberhood and Floyd cor- 
ners — and now that we was rich and could afford to 
travil I dident see nothin’ to hinder us only Hesekiah. 

I thought mebby he’d made up his mind to go — 
when he cum in where I was washin’ dishes one 
mornin’ — and, says he, “ Mahetible, I’ve i a notion 
tew rent this farm tew Bill Sprague the cumin’ spring.” 

“Well, I hope to goodness you will, for then wo 
can go to Californy to spend the rest of the winter, 
57 


58 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


and it’ll be sich a good chance for you to learn sum 
manners out there where nobody’ll know ye, and ” 

“ Mahetible, it hain’t no more use for yew tew keep 
gabbin’ tew me about goin’ to Californy than it w r ould 
be tryin’ tew drown’d a goose by pourin’ water down 
the back of its neck, and Pll tell yew once for all, 
Mahetible, I shan't go. If ye'wkl only turn as much 
of ye wr attention to yewr housework, as yew dew tew 
gaddin’ all over crisendom, I mint find a button on my 
shirt once in a dog’s age, and sumtimes I mint git holt 
of a slice of bread, that wasent either burnt to a crisp 
or sour eneough for a vinegar plant. Heow, as yew’ve 
told me a thousan’ times about yewr money, this farm 
is mine, and I shall dew with it as I please from 
this on.” 

Hesekiah dident generally dare to talk back to me 
as sassy as that , and for a minnit his ackshuns took me 
completely by surprise, but I knew it wouldent never 
do to let him see that I noticed it. There hain’t a 
woman in the whole world that hates to complain and 
find fault worse than I do, but human nature can’t 
stand everything, and although I’ve often accepted 
harsher treatment than that , still, there’s a limit to 
everything, and my patience (which had often stood 
sich severe strains without yieldin’) had been driv’ to 
the very verge at last, and I must admit that I was a 
little mad when I said in reply to his remarks : 

“ Hesekiah Hopkins, you’re a fool ! ” 

“ That’s what mother said when I told her I was 
goin’ tew marry yew,” interrupted Hesekiah, but I con- 
tinued, never takin’ any notice of the interruption : “ If 
you think that I’m always goin’ to stay right here in 


AND her travel*. 


59 

this old, dirty kitchen, to slave, and work, and darn 
your socks, and never see nothin’ only your old, shiny 
pate, and never have nothin’ like other folks, only the 
rumatiz and the newraligy, then you never was worse 
mistaken in your life, for I shan't do it any longer ! 
There, now.” 

He never opened his mouth to reply, so I con- 
tinued : “You can go or you can stay , jest as it suits 
your notion, hut I want you to distinctly understand 
that I'm goin’ to see sumthin’ of the world, and no little, 
insignificant, ’nock-’need, lantern-jawed, saw-horse 
of a man like you can hinder me, and don’t you forgit 
that I told you so,” says I, as I slammed the kitchen 
door in his face and went on to washin’ dishes jest as 
if there hadent been nothin’ ’rong. 

While I was doin’ up my mornin’s work (and I tell 
you there was a lot of it, for I had milk to skim, and 
butter to churn, and bread to mix, and floors to sweep, 
and the kitchen to scrub, and the beds to make, and 
dinner to git, and only one pair of hands, and a lame 
back to do it all), I made up my mind that I’d have to 
travil alone if I travilled at all; so, after I got the 
dishes washed I postponed the rest of the work and 
went down to the widder Fergison’s to see if she’d 
make me a travelin’ dress and fix over my brown ala- 
packy, so’s I could git started in a couple of weeks. 
She said she would, and then she got me the pattern 
books to look over, while she went out to show the 
hired girl sumthin’ about gittin’ dinner. I found a 
pattern that was shirred up and down the middle, and 
had a bias fold of box pleatin’ all around the ages, and 
was trimmed with lappells and grow grained ribbin, 


60 


MJLHETIBLE HOPKINt 


and was real fashionable. I knew it would jest suit.me, 
and so I thought I’d go out and see what she thought 
about it (and whether her kitchen was dirty or not). 
Jest as I got to the door I heard her talkin’ to the 
hired girl, and all I could manige to hear was: 

“ Yes, that’s so ; and now she’s got a few dollars, and 
she’s goin’ to Californy, and she’s goin’ to leave Hese- 
kiah here, but he’ll be better off, poor man. He never 
took much comfort ” 

“ He didn’t, hey ? ” says a voice right by her elbow, 
that she thought was huntin’ for patterns in the settin’- 
room, and her face was as red as a flannel petticoat, 
when she replied : 

“ H- no. He never acted as if he took any comfort 
goin’ anywhere with you, and I was jest tellin’ Betsy 
that he wasn’t .fit for a blessid thing, only to poke 
around on a farm while you — but g’long. I hain’t 
goin’ to praisin’ you to your face.” 

I felt a little better towards her after that last 
remark, but sumhow I couldent never make myself be- 
lieve that my ears lied to me about whajt she said to 
Betsy. I dident like her none the best nohow, ’cause 
Hesekiah was always talkin’ about’ er, and tellin’ how 
neat and ladylike she was, and all sich stuff that no 
married man ever ought to mention, unless it was about 
his own wife — and he said he never had no chance to 
talk that way about me , unless he lied. One day when 
I’d give him a piece of my mind for praisin’ her so 
much, he got mad, and snarled out : 

“Well, I wish tew gracious yew was a trifle more 
like her, than what yew air.” 


AND HER TRAVEL!. 


61 


The idee of me bein’ a squint-eyed, red-headed wid- 
der — with a nose plastered onto the middle of my 
countenance, that looked like a buttermilk biskit, and 
a wart on my chin as big as a sugar-coated ain’t-I-billious 
pill — made me laff, for all I was mad eneough to break 
him right into, for dcwm' to compare me with any 
other woman — especially right to my face. 


CHAPTER VIII. 


PREPARATIONS FOR THE JOURNEY — HESEKIAH’S STUB- 
BORNNESS — LEAVING THE OLD HOME — JONITHAN’S 
ADVICE — ASTONISHING A TICKET AGENT — A BARGAIN 
IN SECOND - HAND GOODS — THE LIFE INSURANCE 
POLICY. 

I don’t s’pose Hesekiah had any idee that I’d ever 
start West alone, but whether he did or not, he kept 
his own counsel, and never mentioned the 1st word 
about my goin’. In fact he dident mention much of 
anything else to me, ’cause he was too stubborn to 
speak to me day times, when I was bizzy, and he 
avoided my speakin’ to him nights, by pokin’ off to bed 
with Jonithan as soon as his supper was et. He told 
Jonithan that he slep there so’s to git a minnit’s peace. 
But I knew better. He done it jest to be contrary 
and more’n as likely as not he thought by actin’ that 
way, that I’d give up the notion of goin’, but he 
couldent been very well acquainted with me if he 
allowed sich a notion to git lodged among his brains, 
for coaxin’ contrary men wasent one of my redeemin’ 
virtues when I was poor, and it wan’t likely I’d go to 
cultivatin’ it then. After I’d packed away my log- 
cabin quilt, and the green and yaller wild goose chase 
(that Hesekiah’s mother peaced for us), and my silver 
plated spoons, and my best bed and pillers, and my 
white spred and lots of other little notions, I got 
Jonithan to nail up the box and set it where he could 

62 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 63 

watch it and see that the mice dident git to the bed 
clothes, and then I says to him, “Now, Jonithan, if 
you’ll go up in the closit at the head of the stairs and 
bring down that old hair-covered trunk (that Hese- 
kiah’s mother give us when we left Conneticut) I’ll 
pack my wearin’ imperial, cause I’ll want to be reddy 
to start middlin’ early to-morrer afternoon. It sets 
clean back in the further corner, and it’s full of old 
woolen patches and cucumber seeds and pop-corn and 
old newspapers and a hull lot of other truck, but you 
can empty ’em right out there on the floor anywheres.” 

“ I don’t b’lieve yew can use that box nohow, ’cause 
the lock’s so rusty it don’t ketch more’n -J the time, and 
besides that one hinge is off,” says Jonithan, as he 
stood at the head of the stairs with the relick of by-gone 
days in his hand. 

“Well, never mind that, Jonithan; Just bring it 
along and I’ll tie it up with the clothes line so’s it’ll 
hold till I git where I can git me a regular Sarytogy.” 

The day I got reddy to start Hesekiah never cum 
in the house, only jest long eneough to eat his vittles, 
and then he acted as if he was afraid I’d ask him if he 
wasent goin’ along. I felt sorry for the poor feller, 
but then agin I thought that he’d took the sulks of his 
own free will, and he could git over ’em the same way, 
and besides that, coaxin’ a contrary man spiles ’em 
worse’n ’umorin’ a young’un, orwhippin’ a balky horse. 

Jest before Jonithan went out to the barn to har- 
ness up old Kit, I seen Hesekiah startin’ off down the 
road whisslein “ Good-bye, Lizy Jane,” jest as happy as 
if I wasent only goin’ down to the corners to trade off 
a few dozen eggs for sum sugar’n tea. I startid to the 


64 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


winder to see if he was goin’ into Stebbins’es, when I 
seen Saryann and the widder cumin’ through the gate. 

I knew they was cornin’ over pretendin’ to “ see me 
start,” but in reality to see if they couldent find sum- 
thin’ to talk about after I was gone, and says I to my- 
self, “ It’s precious little they’ll find out by meP 

“Well, Mahetible,” says the widder, as she flopped 
herself down into a chair, and commenced to unbuckle 
her overshoes, “ so you air really goin’, air ye ? ” 

“Yes, I’m goin’,” says I, shorter’n premium pie- 
crust. 

“ How does Hesekiah like the idee of you goin’ and 
leavin’ him to home alone ? ” says Saryann. 

“ Oh, the poor man, he jest takes on offle about it. . 
You never see nobody take nothin’ to heart the way Tie 
does,” says I, thinkin’ they hadent found out so terrible 
much yit. 

“Yes, he must” says the widder, and then I seen 
her shet one eye and smile sideways at Saryann, jest 
as much as to say she dident believe the 1st word of it. 

I was calkerlatin’ on givin’ her a piece of my mind big 
eneough for a small garden patch, but jest then Joni- 
than opened the door and said everything was all reddy, 
and while I got on my bunnit and things he loaded my 
trunk into the sleigh, and the next minnit I’d bid 
Saryann and the widder “ good-bye,” and we was jog- 
gin’ along towards the city. 

I felt a little bit disappointed to think Hesekiah 
dident wait to see me start, or even bid me good-bye, 
but says I to myself, “ he’ll repent his heartless actions 
in less ’n a week,” and that was sum satisfaction, but 
it would have been a good deal more if he’d took on a 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


05 


little worse’n he did. Jest before we got to BissePs 
drug store (where I told Jonithan I’d git out and git 
sum cardamon seeds while he driv’ down to the depo’ 
with my trunk) Jonithan says to me : 

“ Neow, Miss Hopkins, yew’re goin’ away tew a forin 
land tew live among strangers, and I want yew to 
promise me that yew’ll keep a sharp eye eout for pick- 
pockits, ’cause they’re smooth ’uns and they’ll rob yew 
quicker ’n a wink. Then, there’s them railroad collu- 
sions ; don’t, for mercy sake, git mixed up in any o’ 
them, ’cause they’re more or less dangerous, every sin- 
gle one of ’em ; and don’t go nigh them injun preserva- 
tions, ’cause them poor, persecuted in j uns is as ignerant 
as oxen, and they’d be jest as liable tew scalp yew bal’- 
headed as if they’d known yew 10 years.” 

“ I won’t if I can help it, Jonithan,” says I, begin- 
nin’ to git a little scart as I remembered the stories I’d 
heard Hesekiah read about the in j uns scalpin’ the 
emmigrant trains, but I wasent goin’ on the emmi- 
grant train, so I thought I’d be perfectly safe anyway. 
Jonithan wiped 2 or 3 imaginary tears off ’n the end of 
his nose, with his red woolen comforter and then he 
continued : 

“ I’m in hopes yew will be careful, and neow I want 
yew should promise me one thing -more. Don’t go no 
where nigh Missoury or Texas, ’cause that’s where 
them tarnal big slycoons tear everything out by the 
roots every summer, and all the bad men with long 
hair and navy revolver^ cum from, and be sure and 
not let the vigilance hang yew for horse-stealin’ if yew 
can possibly help it, ’cause it ain’t a very satisfact’ry 
way of gittin’ up in the world, and last but not least, 


66 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


promise me that yew won’t git meloncoly and marry a 
cow-boy or a mormon elder if Hesekiah should happen 
tew drop away and leave yew a widder, while yew’ re 
gone.” 

I promised to be real careful and then I went in 
the drug store after the caAamon seeds, and while the 
clerk was tyin’ ’em up with a pink string I was fillin’ 
my pockets with patent medicine alminacks, ’cause I 
always heard Saryann say that she took along sum- 
thin’ to read when she was travillin’, and besides that, 
a person can’t tell when there mint be an accident, 
and I wanted to know which medicine would cure the 
most in sich a case. Jest as I was puttin’ a yaller 
advertisement of a new patent liver pad and corn 
plaster combined into my pocket and the clerk was 
bowin’ and smilin’ and inquirin’ if there would be any- 
thing more, the door opened and who should cum in 
but Sile Freeman’s wife. 

Now, she goes down to Utica every summer to visit 
her folks, and I knew she’d know the cheapest place to 
buy tickits (or at least anybody that rides 15 miles on 
the cars every summer ought to), so I asked her and she 
said I should git ’em at Hungryford’s. I dident know 
Hungryford’s tickit office from a blacksmith shop, so I 
got her to go along with me instid of waitin’ for Joni- 
than. When I told the young feller that we’d cum in 
to look at some of his best railroad tickets he unlocked 
a black walnut wardrobe that stood in one corner (but 
it wan’t nothin’ but a card case when he got it all 
unfolded) and says he : 

“ Where did you wish a tickit too f ” 

“ San Francisco,” says I, jest as important as I 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


67 

could, for I don’t ’spose a young feller like him ever 
sees many folks that’s goin’ so fur from home, but I 
gess, mebby, he dident know how fur it really was, 
’cause he never acted the least bit astonished over the 
inflamation, but he pulled a strip of paper out of the 
card case, that looked like a ’lection ticket, and says 
he : 

“ That will be 135 dollars.” 

Sile’s wife looked at me and shuck ’er head, as 
much as to say I could jew ’im down if I tried, so I 
says to him, in the most surprised tone of voice I had : 

“ My patience, young man, ain’t that tollerable high 
priced for railroad tickits ? ” 

“ It’s the regular price for 1st class tickits,” says he, 
as independent as if he dident care whether I took one 
or not. 

“ Hain’t you got no cheaper ones that’ll wear jest 
as long \ ” 

“ Certainly. I can sell you a 2nt class tickit for 
105 dollars.” 

“ Is that the best you can do ? ” 

“Yes ; unless you want an emmigrant.” 

“ Well, let me see sum of your 2nt handed tickits, 
and if they ain’t damiged too much, mebby I’ll take 
one,” and then I turned to Sile’s wife and says I, “ It’s 
jest as well to practice a little economy as it is to be so 
lavish, and besides that, anybody can sumtimes git mid- 
dlin’ good bargins buyin’ things 2nt handed, especially 
to auction.” 

By that time the young feller cum back and handed 
me a strip of pink paper that looked as if it hadent 
never been used in the world, and I told him so, but he 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


es 

dident make no anser, only to smile a little ’round the 
corners of his mouth, and then he turned ’round 
towards the wall and went to lookin’ at a map of the 
United States and a little patch of Canidy. I begun to 
think that mebby there mint be sumthin’ ’rong about 
it, so I reached over the counter and took a tollerable 
firm holt of his arm, and says I, “ Look here, young man, 
I want to know if this ’ere tickit is all right, and if 
you’ll warrant it to take me clean through to the village 
of San Francisco?” 

“Yes, madam. I assure you that tickit’s all right, 
and the only reason we can sell them cheaper than the 
others, is because the cars are not quite so eloquent, 
and ” 

“ Oh, well, if that's all, I shan’t mind it a bit, ’cause 
it ain’t at all likely I’ll meet a grate many folks I know, 
and even if I should , it’s no disgrace to be savin’ and 
prudent, even if I am rich,” says I — lookin’ as digni- 
fide as a Congressman’s wife. 

“ Air you travellin’ alone ? ” says he. 

“ Yes, sir. And I’m takin’ quite a expensive tower 
for a woman. I’m goin’ clean acrost the United States 
and - — ” but before I could astonish him any more 
Jonithan cum in and inquired if I was about reddy. 

Jest as we’d got to the door, he turned ’round 
towards the young feller, and says he, “Mister, I reckon 
yew hain’t got none of them things yew insure folks’ es 
life with, have ye?” 

“ Oh, yes. W ould you like to get your life insured ? ” 
says he, as he pulled a long narrer book out of his poekit, 
and a led pencil out of his left ear. 

“ 1ST— no, I gess not to-day, but Miss Hopkins, here, 


JLN'D HER TRAVELS. 


69 


is goin’ tew Calif orny, and I reckon we’d all feel safer 
if she was insured clean through tew the t’other end 
of the rout.” 

I tried to persuade the poor feller not to spend his 
money so reckless, but he wouldent listen to the 1st bit 
of reason. 

“ Heow, Miss Hopkins, what dew yew s’pose I care 
for 3 or 4 dollars, when yew’ re goin clean tew the t’other 
end of crisendum, and air . liable tew git killed any 
minnit, unless yew have sum kind of perfection. Ho 
sir, Miss Hopkins. You’ve always been good tew me, 
and I’m goin’ tew dew sumthin’ tew pay yew for it.” 

“Who shall I make this payable to,” says he, lookin’ 
up from his writ in’. 

“ Oh, jest make it payable tew me. I reckon it’s all 
the same, and she's got eneough tew bother with.” 

Dear good soul ! How thoughtful he was of my 
comfort. 

“What’s the name, please,” says the young feller, 
as he stuck the pencil back behind his ear and picked a 
pen off’n the little hat rack behind the ink bottle. 

“ Jinks — Jonithan Jinks. My full name’s J onithan 
James Agustus Jinks, but I’m a plain sort of a chap 
myself, and I don’t never hitch on none of them high 
soundin’ handles, and I don’t reckon yew’ll need tew.” 

“Ho, it isent nescessary, says he,” smilin’, and when 
he had finished writin’ out the check, I bid the young 
feller good-bye, and we started for the depo. 


CHAPTEK IX. 


THE COMMENCEMENT OF A LONG JOURNEY — PREVIOUS 
EXPERIENCE ASSISTING IN A TIME OF NEED — DIFFI- 
CULTIES ALREADY ENCOUNTERED — “ GOOD-BYE, JON- 
ITHAN, GOOD-BYE ” — A FAITHFUL FRIEND AND TRAV- 
ELING COMPANION — THE “ CORN-DOCKTER ” TAKES AN. 
ACTIVE PART — HESEKIAH’S REMEDY FOR OBSTINATE 
CORNS. 

We hadent only jest got to the depo’ when the long 
train (that was to hear me on to victory and away 
from my Hesekiah) arriv\ As soon as ever they 
stopped I bid Sile’s wife good-bye and started for the 
cars, jest as bold and defiant as if I’d been to Urope 
and back on ’em 5 or 6 times, but to tell the honest 
truth I dident feel \ as brave and defiant as I looked. 
If I hadent never rid on the pesky things before, I do 
believe I’d backed right out of the undertaking but the 
time Hesekiah and I went to Utica to the state fair, 
with Squire Poppenham’s folks, we rid on the cars, so 
I knew they wan’t % as skittish as they looked. The 
thoughts of that excursion braced me up a trifle, and 
besides that, I knew it wouldent never do for me to 
fail right on the very front door step of success, so I 
held tighter to the handle of my umbrell and (like the 
perseverin’ boy that little Bill Snider always speaks 
about, the last day of school) I murmur’d “ eggs-sell- 
sir,” and pushed on through the movin’ mass of human- 
ity and travelin’ satchels. 

That remark seemed to make me all the more deter- 

70 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HEP. TRAVELS. 


71 


mined (though why it should I can’t see, ’cause any- 
body knows eggs’ll sell, especially in the spring o’ the 
year, if they’re nice, fresh ones). Jonithan says that’s 
the motto of his native state, but I’ve seen a good 
many mottoes with “ God bless our home,” and all 
sich sentiments, but I never seen the 1st one with any- 
thing about sellin’ eggs on it, only them home’ade 
affairs that’s stuck up in the baskit of eggs in a gro- 
cery winder. Oh, yes ; I was jest gittin’ on the cars. 
Well, I dident git on quite as quick as I thought I was 
goin’ to. I had jest reached my hand to Jonithan to 
have him help me up on the steps, when a big man 
with brass buttons and a cap on, stepped right up in 
front of me, and says he, “ Tickits, please.” 

“ No, I thank you. I’ve got one,” says I, as I made 
another grab at the railin’ alongside of the car-steps. 

“ Let me see it, please ? ” says he, steppin’ in front 
of me a 2nt time. 

It’s a grate wonder I hadent got mad, for I was 
flustrated eneough over the excitement of startin’ 
without bein’ detained there jest to satisfy his curi- 
osity, but I seen there was lots of other stilish-lookin’ 
folks ’umorin’ him, so I got my tickit out of my little 
hand ridicule and was jest goin’ to unfold it so’s he 
could see what a han’sum colored one it was, when he 
rolled his eye over towards it and, says he — 

“All right! 2nt class. Pass on to the next car, 
please.” 

He was offle polite about it, but what bothered me 
was to know how he knew it was a 2nt handed tickit 
as soon as ever he sot his eyes on it, ’cause it wasent 
mussed a bit. 


72 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINft 


By that time everybody was crowdin’ and pushing 
till I thought I’d never git where Jonithan and my 
bundles was agin, but I finally crowded along to the 
steps and he got me in the car jest in time to git 
me the last empty seat, before they hollered “All 
aboard ! ” 

As soon as Jonithan heard that he grabbed holt of 
my hand and shuck it till my fingers felt num’ clean 
up to my elbows, and, says he, “ Good-bye, Miss Hop- 
kins. Take good care of yewrself,” and I had jest 
time to say “good-bye” to his back, as I seen it disa- 
pearin’ through the car-door, and then the hull train 
begun to squeak and tremble and start west. The 
winder was open, so I stuck my head out and seen 
Jonithan takin’ on as if he was peelin’ onions, and 
that was about all I did see, for jest then the injine 
begun to coff up smoke and sinders, and before I could 
git ’em out of my eyes, the train had crawled round 
a bend in the road, and Jonithan and the rest of the 
depo’ was out of sight. 

“Well, I’m on my way at last,” says I — as I leaned 
back agin the well worn velvit quishons and tried to 
rub the smart out of my eyes with a white silk hand- 
kerchief. To be sure it was a grate undertakin’ to go 
west, especially for a woman with but little experiance 
and the rumatiz, but I had conciderable determination 
and I calkerlated to rely mostly on that in a case of 
immergency. Then I happened to think of my budgits 
and says I to myself, “ 1 wonder whether Jonithan 
brought ’em all in. There’s my umbrell and my carpit 
sack and my ban’ box — with my best bunnit in, and 
my lunch. Yes they air all here.” I know I was 


AKD HER TRAVELS. 


7 * 


foolish to have so many different budgits to see to, but 
I wanted to have things like other folks even if it was 
sum bother. I knew I could git the substantial and 
hard sandwiches anywhere along the road but I 
wasent so sure about sich delicacies as I’d been used 
to, so I done up sum squash pie and red raspberry 
tarts and fride cakes in a newspaper and calkerlated 
I’d have enough to last me clean acrost the United 
States if they dident spile. 

Jest as I’d got settled back agin the quishons I 
looked around and there was Tige. Yes, it was Tige, 
settin’ there lookin’ as wise and cerious as an under- 
taker — in fact, he was an undertaker an’ had undertook 
quite a job for an old dog. What to do I dident know. 
If there’d been anybody there that I was acquainted 
with, I’d got them to have the driver stop while I put 
Tige off and driv’ him home, but I dident see a 
single face in that hull crowd, that I’d ever sot eyes 
on before, only Tige’s. 

The poor old feller, he evidently knew I was goin’ 
where I mint stand in need of a friend, for he’d 
follered me around like a snadder ever since I’d begun 
to pack up, and now that he’d showed sich a lastin’ 
devotion by leavin’ a good comfortable home to foller 
me out into the wide world, I made up my mind to let 
him stay, and he looked as happy as if he red my very 
thoughts — as he sot there gazin’ up into my face with 
an almost inhuman look on his homely countenance. 

While I was makin’ Tige lay down under the seat, 
so’s he would be out of folks’es way, a little feller with 
a cap on cum in the car, and he acted like a dretful 
sociable little feller, for he stopped along by most every- 


74 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


body’s seat and said sumthin’ to ’em. He had a lan- 
tern under his arm, and one of them silver-plated facits 
in his hand (like Dr. Tremane yanks folks out of his 
sofy-seated invalid’s chair with — if their back teeth 
don’t let go). Then I begun to think that mebby. he 



“well, ip there aint tige I” 


was a travellin’ dentist, but there wasent nobody 
that wanted their teeth pulled jest then (and I don’t 
blame ’em, for it’s a poor plan, patronisin’ these trav- 
ellin’ dockters), but he dident seem to be put out a bit. 
He jest kept on passin’ ’round his visitin’ cards, and if 



AND HER TRAVELS. 


75 


a feller acted a little indifferent about takin’ one, he’d 
stick it in their hat band, or along side of the winder 
casin’ where they couldent help but see it, and then 
he’d go on to the next jest as composed as if nothin’ 
had happened. When he got along a little closter, I 
seen that he had “ corn dockter ” printed in gold letters 
on his cap, and then I knew what made him so perse- 
verin’. He was one of them pesky humbugs that sold 
Hesekiah a box of “ patent corn improver,” on the fair 
ground last fall, and the miserable stuff wan’t no more 
help to his corns than so much taller, and it ruined his 
morals more’n 75 per cent. You see, Hesekiah was 
dretf ully pestered with corns and bunions — that stuck 
out like hemlock ’nots all around his feet — so he dident 
need much coaxin’ to try a box of “the improver,” 
although I told him when he was gittin’ it, that it wan’t 
likely it was worth a cent (’cause them fellers with 
long hair and big white hats, and a faculty for lyin’ 
wan’t to be depended on always), but he got it for all of 
that. When he got home he took his razor (’cause the 
bread knife was as dull as a garding hoe, and he’d lost 
his pockit knife in hayin’ time), and sot down on the 
kitchen floor and peeled his corns down tollerable 
thin — accordin’ to the distractions on the outside of 
the bottle — and then he rubbed on sum of the stuff 
that was in it. He sot there for as much as 2 minnits 
and a ^ with a calm, peacable expression on his coun- 
tenance that an angel mint envied, and then he begun 
to look serious and kinder unsettled in his mind, and in 
a minnit more the corns begun to smoke and Hesekiah 
begun to jump ’round the kitchen on one foot and 
swear. Jonithan, and I, and Tige got out into the 


76 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


woodshed as quick as ever we could, and left him exe- 
cutin’ the Highland fling, and 2 or 3 other flings ’round 
the kitchen stove and in the corner next to the wood- 
box. 

Jonithan said it reminded him of a pickter of the 
canibul injuns dancin’ ’round a kittle full of biled 
missionary, but it made me think of the jimnasty 
performance in Barnum’s great agrivation of livin’ 
wonders. The exercises continued for as much as 6 
minutes, and durin’ that time the air was so full of 
flyin’ furniture, war ’hoops and profanity that you 
couldent tell which. When he got quieted down, and 
the dust had settled so’s he could see, he went to readin’ 
over the distractions on the bottle to see if he hadent 
made a mistake, for he said he “ believed he’d put the 
plagy stuff on backwards or crossways or upside 
down or sumthin’,” but he found that he’d gone right 
straight ahead accordin’ to contract, and that the 
further distraction wa$, “ Kepeat the opperation twice 
a day for 2 weeks if the corns air obstinate.” 

Then he got mad, and in a tone of voice that 
would paralised a pirate or a cheap John auctioneer, 
he exclaimed, “ Twice a day for 2 weeks, hey, well, I’ll 
be everlastin’ly gol durned if I doP 

“You’ll have tew f oiler the distractions if yew ever 
expect tew git ’em off,” mildly suggested Jonithan; 
but he mint as well thro wed a hired girl and a can of 
kerosene in the fire and not expected an explosion. 

“ ^rusalem,” says he, turnin’ ’round on Jonithan 
like a female tigeress, “ dew yew think I’m a fool or a 
crazy lunatick or which f Why man, I’d sooner take 
that old broad ax of Stebbins’es and hew every gol 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


ft 

busted ’not off level with my feet or drill holes in ’em 
and blow ’em out with blastin’ powder or even yank 
’em out with a stump puller, than to put another drop 
of that double geared ligktnin’ on the soles of my 
boots and run the chances of its strikin’ up through,” 
and then after givin’ Jonithan a look that would soured 
sweet milk in 15 minnits, he hobbled off out in the 
woodshed to hunt up a pair of my old carpit slippers 
so’s to have sumthin’ easy for his feet. Jonithan said 
he was positive that he heard glass jinglin’, but whether 
Hesekiah broke his bottle of “ corn improver ” or not, 
I couldent say, but I do know that he never put nothin’ 
else on his corns, only arnicy salve, and mutton taller, 
and St. Jacob’s oil, and camfire, and mustang linament 
and sich, and by careful nursin’ for 10 days he got so’s 
he could git his every-day boots on without swearinb 
Hesekiah’s got corns yit. 


CHAPTER X. 


EXCHANGING VISITING CAEDS WITH “ THE D0CKTEE” — 
TROUBLE COMMENCING — TIGE EETIEES TO THE BAG- 
GAGE CAE — MAHETIBLE EOEMS A NEW ACQUAINT- 
ANCE — THE INVITATION TO SUPPEE — STEANGE CON- 
DUCT OE HEE COMPANION — THE LOST LUNCH FOUND — 
SUPPEE AT SYEACUSE — TOOTH PICKS AND BIBLE LES- 
SONS. 

The “ corn dockter ” seemed to be peddlin’ tickits, 
but I don’t reckon he sold many, ’cause every time 
he’d say “ tickits ” to anybody they’d show him theirn, 
and then he’d punch a little 3 cornered hole in one cor- 
ner (to show ’em how his tooth-pullers would cut 
paper, I s’pose) and then he’d give ’em back, and one 
of his visitin’ cards along with ’em. Of course, I let 
him take my tickit, ’cause I wanted to git one of his 
visitin’ cards, and I was real glad I did , for they was 
the handyest cards I ever see. They was made out of 
this ’ere tinted bristle (like them the widder Ferguson 
sent to Boston after), and they had a time-table on the 
back of ’em that told jest how fur it was to any- 
wheres and back again. While I was lookin’ at the 
card and wonderin’ whether he got ’em made to order, 
he cum back through the car, and seein’ of Tige 
stickin’ out from under the seat, he stopped and says 
he to me : 

“ Madam, is that your dog ? ” 

“Yes, sir; and I reckon he’s about the best ” 

78 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 


79 


“ You’ll have to put him in the baggige car,” says 
he, interruptin’ me and pintin’ his tooth - pullers 
towards the front end of the train. 

“ Oh, no. Tige’s jest as contented here with me ; 
and besides that he’s my travillin’ companion, and — ” 
“Can’t help it, madam, if he’s your grandfather; 
we don’t allow dogs in the passenger coaches.” 

That settled it. He offered to take Tige in for me, 
but I knew the dog’s disposition too well to trust him 
with a stranger, so when we got to Oneida I took Tige 
in the baggige-car and tied him to the handle of my 
trunk, and then I went back feelin’ jest as contented 
as if Tige was with me, ’cause I knew he wouldent git 
lost or stole, and he’d see that the trunk dident. 

After the cars started, I leaned back among the 
quishons and begun to look around to see who the 
rest of the folks looked like. The little woman in the 
3d seat ahead — that had the green ribbin on her 
bunnit — looked a little bit like Jonithan’s oldest sister 
did, but I krew it wasent her, ’cause she was teachin’ 
school down below Herkimer. The feller with a 
freckled face and a square chin made me think sum of 
¥m. Henery Carswell, but it couldent be him, unless 
he’d been reserected, ’cause he was hung 5 or 6 years 
before that, and jest as I was tryin’ to think who the 
man in the seat ahead of me looked like, sumbody 
touched me on the arm, and in a real pleasant voice 
inquired — 

“ Beg pardon, madam. Is this seat ingaged ? ” 

I give him a searchin’ look to see if he was a pick- 
pocket, and concludin’ that he dident look like he was, 
and then I replied — 


80 


MAHETEBLE HOPKIK* 


“Ho, sir, only part of it; but if you can find a 
place for all these budgits, you air perfectly welcome 
to the seat.” 

“ Thank you,” he replied, and quicker’n I could tell 
it he’d piled the things up in a wire arrangement (that 
looked like them paper-racks Miss Stebbins used to 
make out of her old hoopskirts, only she used to 
color ’em red and green and hang tossles on the 
corners) overhead, and had sot down. 

I was real glad I’d let him have the seat, ’cause he 
was real sociable, and when he said he was “ a drum- 
mer for a house in Chicago,” I felt real proud to have 
the honor of settin’ in the same seat with a musician. 
He was dressed up real slick, with kid gloves and a 
standin’ collar and one of them new long-tailed ulster 
overcoats with a wide belt and a buckle on it — as big 
as a sardeen-box — and he had his shoes and mustash 
blacked till you could almost see your face in ’em. 

“ Air you goin out to supper ? ” says he, as the 
brakesman opened the door and hollered out, “ Sary- 
cuse, 30 minnits for supper.” I thought it wouldent 
look jest right for an old woman like me to be flirtin’ 
’round with a young man from Chicago, so I says, as 
perlite as I could, “ ISTo, thank you. I had a middlin’ 
late dinner before I started, and I ain’t so very hungry, 
but if it ain’t askin’ too much, I’d like you to reach me 
down that bundle of lunch that’s did up in a ‘ Rome 
Sentinel’, and tied with a brown and red calico string.” 

I seen him look up at the bundles and then he begun 
to act oneasy. I thought mebby he was takin’ it to heart 
’cause I’d slighted his offer, so I spoke up, and says I, 
“ I’d like to accept your invitation 1st rate well, but 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


81 


you see I brought along some squash pie and sich other 
delicacies as I thought I’d need,” but the more I 
explained matters, the sicker he looked around the 
corners of his mouth, and while I was wonderin’ if it 
wasent the colery-morbus that had took holt of him, he 
jammed his hat down over his eyes and shot out of the 
car at a rate of speed that surprised me most as much 
as it did the little old man with carrot-colored hair and 
a blue necktie (who was standin’ in the isle, fishin’ 
satchels, etc., etc., out from under the seat with an 
umbrell handle, while a cross-eyed woman with a bird 
cage in one hand and an old oyster can full of ivy slips 
in the other, stood ’round in the way and bossed the 
job), when he cum so nigh tellescopin’ ’im. I had to 
laff at the old man. As soon as he got his head out 
from between the seats, he tore ’round as if he wanted 
to git hurt, but the cause of his misery was gone, and 
it was so near supper time that nobody else acted as if 
they had lost any fights, so the feller sizzled a spell — 
like a settler’s powder — and then he quieted down, but 
it seemed to be lots of satisfaction for him to stand 
there glarin’ at me as if I was to blame for the hull 
thing. I thought mebby he mint cum over when the 
cars stopped, and demand satisfaction, so I reached 
down my umbrell, and as I took a firm holt of the han- 
dle I looked him in the eye as much as to say, “ Now 
cum, if you think it’s best,” but he dident. Goodness 
sake ! Anybody knows the young feller dident belong 
to me, jest ’cause he’d sot in the same seat, and I dident 
calkerlate to have the responsibility shouldered onto 
me, by no little cream colored man like him, neither. 

The young man had acted dretful strange, and 
6 


82 


MAIIETIBLE HOPKINS 


says I to myself : “ Jest as likely as not he was a pick- 
pockit in disgust,” and with tremblin’ hands I opened 
my little hand ridicule to find my pockit book — all 
right. Then I looked ’round to see if everything else 
was as safe. I found it all, only the lunch, but that 
was gone, and it was as plain as the nose on my face, 
that he’d took it, ’cause if he hadent he wouldent acted 
so oneasy when I mentioned it. While I was wonderin’ 
whether I’d better have him arrested and sent to state 
prison (if he dident have no friends or money), or 
whether I’d better let him go with his ill-gotten gains 
(jest as if he was sum publick office holder), the cars 
stopped and everybody begun to try to git off 1st. 
When I riz up, I seen sumthin’ spottid layin’ in the seat, 
and at 1st I thought mebby the young feller’d forgot 
sumthin’, but as quick as I seen that brown and red 
calico string I knew what it was. It * was that lunch, 
and it was mashed so flat that I wouldent known it 
myself if I’d met it in a crowd. 

As I was goin’ out I happened to turn my eyes 
towards the winder, and was jest in time to ketch a 
glimpse of the young feller as he swished ’round the 
corner of the eatin’ house, and 1 do believe I’d had to 
laff right out, if I’d been settin’ in one of the front 
pews in our meetin’ house, for that longtailed coat of 
his’n was the laffable’est thing I ever see runnin’ 
around loose. Talk about the meller tints of autum or 
the beauties of an italick sundown, but they all fade 
away into nothin’, compared to the artistick desines on 
the bottom of that ulster. The crushed squash and red 
raspberry jam sort of mingled together, as harmonious 
as a hired girl and her best sweetheart, and the greatest 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


88 


painters' in the world mint well have envied me jest 
then, for my work had produced a far more strikin’ 
(if not a lastin’) effect * than any of the old master- 
pieces. The coat itself looked a good deal as Syreny 
Fillimore’s jugs and jars did after she took this “ house- 
hold decoratin’ ” fever, but there was sumthin’ so pitty- 
ful about the young feller’s face that I couldent help 
but forgive him for spilin’ my lunch. 

As soon as I could git over laffin, I follered the 
crowd into the eatin’ house, and I’d jest got to crum- 
min’ crackers in a bowl of hot vegetable soup, when I 
seen the young feller cumin’ down the isle between the 
tables. From the look on his face I knew he was 
feelin’ dretful bad about spilin’ my lunch, when 
I’d been so good to him, and I thought I’d have him 
cum and set next to me, so’s I could tell him not to 
worry no more about it. He dident look that way, so 
I put my foot agin’ a chair and pushed it out from 
under the table, so’s that he’d take the hint that every- 
thing was all right, but he dident seem to notice the 
chair, and the little feller that was dealin’ out rations 
dident seem to notice it either, till after he’d dim clear 
over the top of it and emptied a hull tray of different 
kinds of vegetables over the old man that was settin’ 
to the next table. For a few minnits the room was so 
full of profanity and excuses and chunks of cabbige 
that I forgot all about the innocent cause of all the 
trouble, but at last I spied him settin’ to a table clean 
down in the further end of the room, and I gess mebby 
he dident feel very well, for there was an expression 
rivited on his features that looked like he had a holler 
tooth or the newraligy. While I was eatin’ I hap- 


84 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


pened to think about Tige, and I knew he’d be hungry, 
’cause he always is, so I spread 2 slices of bread ’n but- 
ter and put sum meat between ’em and did ’em up in 
my pocket han’kerchief so’s to have ’em ready when I 
was through eatin’. While I was fixin’ it I seen the 
conductor (by the way, he wan’t no travellin’ dentist 
or a corn distracter. He was the man that owned the 
road — the conductor) watchin’ me and grinnin’ like a 
harvest moon in a comick alminack, but I dident care 
for that, for I expected to pay for my supper and I 
dident see as it made any difference whether I et it or 
Tige. I always et tollerable slow (partly because Dr. 
Dingman said it ruined anybody’s digustin’ organs to 
eat too fast, and partly because my false teeth had a 
notion of floppin’ up and down like an old pair of car- 
pit slippers on a hired girl), so I wasent much more ’n 
$ done eatin’ when they hollered out, “ all aboard for 
the west.” That me’nt me, so I put a piece of sponge 
cake and a handful of nuts and 2 oringes into my 
little hand ridicule, and then I went up to the counter 
(where I’d seen the rest of ’em payin’) and says I to 
the feller with the calico collar and a diamon’ pin as 
big as a 25 cent piece, “ How much was my supper ? ” 

“75 cents, please.” 

How I knew he was taxin’ me eneough to ruin his 
concience, but I hadent got the time to spare to arger 
the matter, so I give him a 5 dollar bill and while he 
was countin’ out the change, I slipped a hull handful 
of matches out of a little glass tumbler that stood on 
the corner of the counter and kept ’em in my hand 
till I got back in the car. 

I’ve often heard it said that nobody never makes 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


85 


nothin’ stealin’ dishonestly (unless it is bank cashiers 
or office holders) and now I know it’s a true sayin’. 

That was the 1st thing I’d ever stole (and I 
would’ ent stole them, only he charged me so much for £ 
a meal) but it turned out to be sich a poor investment 
that I reckon I won’t never steal nothin’ agin. Them 
matches was the slim’est lookin’ lot of stuff I ever seen 
(unless it was old uncle Ebeneezer Spratt’s young’ uns) 
and there wasent the 1st bit of brimstone on one of 
’em. I scratched 2 or 3 on the winder casin’ and then I 
got mad and throwed the rest out, a little dirty faced 
youngster that had been tryin’ to split his throat 
hollerin’ “Sary Cuse papers” was standin’ right there 
when they struck the ground, and I heard him sayin’ to 
another boy that was brushin’ the dust off’n a man’s 
boots — “ Oh, Pete ! look at the tooth-picks the old gal 
jest fired out.” Poor little feller. He dident know 
but what they was tooth-picks, but if I’d had time I’d 
teached him a bible lesson and I’d took them matches 
for a text. I’d p’inted out to him, that there bein’ no 
brimstone on ’em, was a warnin’ to show folks that 
there wasent very much of it in this world, but there’d 
be plenty of it, where thieves and bank cashiers and 
pension agents was hastenin’ to, and then I’d told him 
what tooth-picks was and how the rich folks used gold 
ones and poor country folks like Hesekiah took a 
broom-splint or a pine sliver off’n the kindlin’ wood, 
hut before I’d finished thinkin’ what I would say to ’im 
the cars was about 14 miles from Syracuse and I s’ pose 
the boy was abed and asleep. 


CHAPTER XI. 


SECURING PROPER ATTENTION FROM THE CONDUCTOR — 
TIGE REFUSES TO CHANGE CARS — REST FOR THE 
WEARY — MAHETIBLE MEETS A NEWS AGENT — MORE 
TROUBLE — LEARNING SOMETHING “ MORE ” ABOUT THE 
MISSIONARIES. 

I had begun to git good and sleepy, and was just 
wishin’ I had some place to lay my head on, when the 
feller that winds up the wheels between the cars 
opened the door and hollered out “ Ro-ches-ter, change 
cars for Suspension Bridge.” I had heard so much 
talk about “Hiagry Falls and Suspension Bridge,” 
that I calkerlated I’d see ’em with my own eyes if I 
ever got the chance, and besides that the tickit agent 
seemed to think that was the only route worth 
travillin’ on, so I’d got my tickit to go that way. 
I was always a firm believer in the 10 commandments, 
especially that one that says, “be sure you’re right, 
then go ahead,” so I thought I’d ask the conductor if 
everything was perfectly kerrect before I give up the 
car I’d got in my possession. I’d got everything all 
ready so^s I could vacate in £ a minnit’s notice, and 
when I seen the conductor cum a rushin’ through the 
car at a trottin’ horse gate, I begun to wave my hand 
to draw his attention, but he dident act as if he calker- 
lated on stoppin’ to please nobody. How I never was 
balked in my intentions by any one man, and I dident 
calkerlate to begin with a cranky little upstart like 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 


87 


him (that thinks he weighs 40 pounds more’n he really 
does jest ’cause there’s gilt letters on his cap and 
generally sum gilt on his concience), so I seized holt 
of the tail of his coat, as he whisked past me and hung 
to it like a drowndin’ sailor to a broken spar, and 



“DO I CHANGE CARS HERE ?” 


when about f of the coat had let loose, he stopped. 
I reckon he dident like to have his coat tail hangin’ at 
J mast, ’cause he looked at it for as much as \ a 2nt, 
and then he looked at me, an’ it was hard to say which 
seemed to make him the^ madest. After he’d scowled 


88 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


at me to his heart’s content for as much as 17 or 18 
2nts, he spoke up dretful kinder short and says he, 
“Well, what’s wantin’?” “I’m terrible sorry to bother 
you, ’cause you seem to be in a hurry, but if it ain’t 
troublin’ you too much, I’d like to ask if I have to 
change cars here for Suspension Bridge,” says I, as 
meek as new milk, but if he’d acted the least bit sassy 
he’d found out that there was “thorns beneath the 
roses.” 

He maniged to jerk out a real spiteful “ yes,” with- 
cut snappin’ either of our heads off, and then he went 
out in the other car to pin on his coat tail, while I sot 
and laffed to think what his wife would say when she 
seen that coat. Probably he’d git a free tickit to a 
hair pullin’ or a curtin lecture as long as one of Beech- 
er’s sermons, and then he’d wonder “what wimmen 
was made for, anyway.” I thought it was a pritty 
good joke on the conductor, and I gess the rest 
of the passengers thought so too , ’cause they was 
laffin’ fit to split themselves as long as I stayed in the 
car, and the feller that sot right behind me was so 
tickled that I do believe he’s laffin’ about it yit. As 
soon as the cars stopped, a young feller stepped up, 
and says he, “ I’ll carry sum of your things, Aunty.” 
How it generally made me dretful mad when I was to 
home, to have anybody call me “Aunty,” ’cause it 
seemed as if they was hingin’ on my age, but bein’ 
among strangers that dident know my exact age, I 
wasent so pertickular, and besides that, it would be con- 
siderable of a help to have him carry my carpit-sack 
and ban’box, so I giv ’em to him, and for fear that I 
mint loose sight of my carpit-sack in the crowd, I took 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


89 


holt of his arm and hung to it as if it belonged to me. 
I know it wan’t jest the proper thing for a marrid 
woman to do (he bein’ a imperfect stranger to me, 
and I knew Hesekiah’d growl about for 6 weeks 
if he ever found it out, but I wan’t goin’ to run the risk 
of loosin’ my carpit-sack for 2 or 3 Brooklin scandles, 
and besides that, it was way along towards midnight, 
and nobody in Rochester would ever know but what 
he was sum of my own folks, so I jest hung to his coat 
sleeve till I’d got everything stored away in the other 
car, and then I thanked him and turned him loose. 

We had to wait there quite a spell, while they ham- 
mered on the wheels to see if the tires was all on, and 
looked ’round under the cars with a lantern to see if 
any of the bolts had lost out, so I thought I’d have time 
to go and see how Tige was gittin’ along, and it’s a 
good thing I did, for he not only refused to change 
cars himself, but he objected to their movin’ any of the 
trunks in his vicinity. One of the men was jest pullin’ 
a long iron poker out from under the stove when I got 
there, and he said he was real glad I’d cum, cause he 
anticipated serious trouble when they cum to move my 
trunk, but I told him there wouldent be no trouble 
(unless somebody undertook to misuse me or Tige), and 
then he put the poker down, and I superintended the 
movin’ of my trunk and travellin’ companion. J est as 
I was goin’ back to find my seat, I heard the new con- 
ductor (who was helpin’ me up on the car steps) holler 
out: 

“ Hello, pard — had an accident ? ” 

“Yes; and you want to steer clear of that old craft 
or you’ll think it’s epedemick all along the road,” said 


90 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 


a familiar voice, and I looked round to see the other 
conductor walkin’ off with his coat tail still clinched 
in one hand, and his dignity all mussed up. I don’t 
know what he ment by tellin’ that there’d been a acci- 
dent, unless he took that way to make ’em think he 
wan’t to blame for gittin’ his coat tore. That’s jest a 
man for all the world. They’ll go home with their 
breath smellin’ of cloves and tell their wives a hull 
string of stuff about lodge meetin’s, and the Young 
Men’s Christian Association, and she , poor fool, be- 
lieves it all, and thinks what she smells is the benzine 
she put on his coat collar to take the grease out. I 
was so sleepy that it seemed as if I couldent stay 
awake another minnit, so, after the cars got started 
and the new conductor had punched another ear mark 
in my tickit, I concluded I’d take a little rest, if I could 
manige to double myself up so’s to fit the car-seat any 
ways easy. Aunt Betsy Frazier was always tellin’ 
what comfortable things them sleepin’ cars was, but 
for the life of me I couldent see where the comfort 
cum in. If I folded myself up and went to sleep, I’d 
dream my back was broke into, and I’d wake up jest be- 
fore the last j’int let go, and if I hung my head or feet 
over the railin’ sumbody was sure to mash in the crown 
of my bunnit or hit ag’in the tenderest bunion I’d got. 
The last feller that stumbled over my feet woke me 
up, of course, as all the others had done before ’im, 
and when I opened my eyes he was standin’ there like 
a group of .Rogers’ es stationery. "When he seen I was 
awake he p’inted down at my feet and says he, lookin’ 
offle serious : 

“ What is them?” 







92 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


“ Them,” says I, histin’ right up in my seat, “ why, 
them’s my feet, you simpleton. What did you think 
they was ? ” says I, indignantly, for I was beginnin’ to 
git mad at his impudence. 

“ I dident know but what they was coffins,” says he, 
grinnin’ like a prize clown in a sircuss. Now I never 
did pride myself on havin’ a very hansum lookin’ 
foot although I could wear No. 6’s easy eneough if it 
wan’t for their pinchin’ acrost the toes, but even if I 
wore No. 10’s they was my own feet and I dident 
calkerlate to let no little upstart that sells books and 
newspapers for a livin’ make fun of ’em to my face. 

He was still standin’ there with a smile on his face 
that split his countenance into 2 pieces and reminded 
me of a pickter of Floridy with an alligater in the 
foreground, when I took a firm holt of the handle of 
my umbrell with my right hand and puttin’ the other 
up to my ear as if I was hard of h earin’ I inquired in 
a middlin’ base key, “ What d’ye say? ” He started to 
speak his little piece over again but jest as he’d got the 
coffins out of his mouth I fetched the umbrell down 
acrost his little black silk cap, and if his head hadent 
been harder’n it looked he’d needed both of them 
coffins to took his remains home to his mother. 

I’ve been sorry since that I dident finish the job, 
and I don’t know but I would done it if I’d only known 
how much trouble I was goin’ to have with his class, 
but perhaps it’s better that we don’t know how much 
misery there is before us, ’cause we mint often be led 
to do sumthin’ rash. 

I never knew whether he lived or not (but I s’pose 
likely he did, for we never hear of one of them kind of 


AJSI> HER TRAVELS. 


93 


chaps bein’ murdered, and any natural death wouldent 
hardly fetch ’em the 1st time tryin’) but he never 
troubled me no more, and so I leaned up agin the winder 
blind and went to sleep, and the next thing I knew 
sumbody hollered out, “Suspension Bridge. Change 
cars for Detroit. 30 minnits for breakfast.” 

My experiance at Rochester teached me that I’d 
better tend to Tige the 1st thing, which I proceeded to 
do, jest as soon as I’d got my carpit sack and bundles 
holdin’ 2 seats for me in the other car. I sent Tige 
that lunch by the other conductor, but I shall always 
think he et it himself, ’cause Tige looked as thin and 
transparent as one of Dr. Tanner’s fotographs did after 
he’d cum so nigh starvin’ his stummuck to death, and 
I knew by the lonesum wag of his tail that he was 
sorry he’d cum. 

“ Yer trainin’ him for a fight, hain’t ye,” says the 
man at the eatin’ house when I took him out to the 
kitchen after a bone with sum meat on it. “ Oh, land 
sakes, no. He don’t need no trainin’ to fight. He 
takes to fightin’ as nateral as a country school boy 
does to stealin’ apples, and he always did ever since 
he was a little homely lopeared pup as big as my fist. 
I’m only trainin’ him to travel and behave himself, and 
I’m afraid it’s goin’ to ruin his constitution.” After 
breakfast I went over to the baggige car to tie the 
handle of my trunk fast to Tige and the young feller 
that was slingin’ trunks out of the car, and kinder 
seeing to things, told me that it was always customary 
to charge a little sumthin’ extry for seein’ to dogs in 
the baggige car. “ How much do you charge ? ” says 
I, beginnin’ to think Tige was quite an expensive luxury. 


94 


MAHETIBLE HOEKXNI 


“We never set any stated price, jest give me what 
you think is reasonable,” says he politely, and while I 
was fumblin’ ’round in my little lether ridicule after a 
quarter, he was tellin’ me how much I reminded him 
of an old lady friend of his, who was a missionary 
among the heathens. He said she and I looked near 
eneough alike to be twins or triplits, and that she was 
sich a dear, good, benevolent old lady. I seen the other 
2 fellers kinder smile and turn their backs facin’ us, 
but whether it was that , or whether he was so overtook 
by seein’ me, I can’t say, but when I offered him the 
money he shuck his head, and says he, “ Keep it, gen- 
erous soul. I’ve no change smaller ’n a 10 dollar bill.” 

“ It’s all yourn, every cent of it,” says I, reaching 
it towards him a 2nt time. 

“ Ho, I’m no hog if I am poor,” says he as he turned 
to walk away, but I was so interrested in the good old 
missionary lady that I called him back, and says I, “Is 
that old lady with the heathens yit \ ” 

“ Oh, yes, and she probably always will be.” 

“ Why I’m real surprised to hear that , for I’d always 
heard that the missionary s et up all the heathens.” 

“ They generally do , but they git holt of sum that 
is so confounded tuff and stingy that nobody ’ll tackle 
’em, and she was one of that kind. The last time I 
heard from her she was gittin’ fat, and the poor 
hungry heathens was settin’ ’round chawin’ old rubber 
boots and watchin’ for the new missionary, and they 
was ” but I’d lost all my interest in the benevo- 

lent old lady that looked like me, so I bid him “good 
mornin’,” and left him right in the middle of his 
remarks. 


CHAPTER XII. 


ALL ABOUT SWEET CUCUMBER PICKLES — CROSSING SUS 
PENSION BRIDGE — A NERVOUS ATTACK — THE DEMOR 
ALIZED CONDITION OF THE BEST BONNET — TWO WOMEN 
IN THE CASE — A DEAD LOSS TO ALL BUT THE INDIAN 
SQUAW. 

When the cars started I happened to set in the same 
seat with a widder by the name of Miss Barnaby (who 
was goin’ to Missoury to live with one of her only 
daughters). After she’d told me all about her family 
affairs and her nabers, she happened to mention sum- 
thin’ about sweet cucumber pickles, and she said she 
could keep ’em 6 months or a year. How I never have 
no luck with ’em (especially if Hesekiah knows where 
the jar is), and when she offered to give me the reseat 
for makin’ ’em her way, I got my pencil and paper out 
of the carpit sack and told her I’d write it down (’cause 
I never believe in “ puttin’ off till to-morrer what should 
be done to-day,” unless it is sumthin’ like housework 
or patchin’ that ain’t liable to spile). 

“ How be sure and write it jest as I tell you, and if 
you follow the destructions, you won’t never have any 
trouble with ’em. Wash the cucumbers thoroughly 
(of course you must pick them 1st, and sort out the 
green ones for sour pickles), then you peel them care- 
fully with a sharp knife, and after cuttin’ them in quar- 
ters, remove all the seeds and place ’em in a large stonQ 

95 


96 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


jar, and — no, you don’t do that way either. You scald 
’em in hot brine 1st, and then season with — Oh, dear 

oh ! We’re goin’ on the b-r-r-!-!-!-! ” but the rest of 

the sentence was lost in one long blood curdlin’ groan. 
Cucumbers in the early part of the season is apt to call 
4th some.sich unearthly sounds (especially if anybody 
is subject to the colery morbus), but jest tellin’ over a 
reseat for usin’ up ripe seed cucumbers dident seem to 
demand sich a fuss, and I was goin’ to tell her so, but 
when I turned towards her I forgot what I was goin’ 
to say. Her eyes was rivited onto sumthin’ outside of 
the winder, and of course I looked (what woman 
wouldent), and I seen what she was lookin’ at, or in 
plainer Inglish, what she wasent lookin’ at, and if I live 
to be a centipede I’ll ahvays be sorry I did. Whew ! 
It makes the cold chills run up and down between my 
shoulder blades to think of it. I could see the earth 
and a few house-tops and a stream of bilin’ water way 
down below us, and that was about all I could see, with- 
out takin’ a tellescope. I sot there, gazin’ down on 
“ the land of the free and the home of the brave,” and 
wishin’ I hadent cum, for as much as 6 or 8 2nts, and 
then I closed my eyes expectin’ — I don’t know what — 
but I knew it was goin’ to be sumthin’ dretful when 
it did cum. * * * How you may not believe 
it, but it’s gospel truth never-the-less, but when I 
opened my eyes we’d lit down all right, and there wan’t 
nobody hurt, but how it had jarred me off’n the seat 
and wedged me into the corner next to the floor, till it 
took Miss Barnaby and another feller to git me out, 
was always a mistery. 

They had a long laff, and the more I tried to ex- 


AJKD HER TRAVELS. 


97 


plain to ’em that it want “ nothin’ only a nervous 
attact,” the more they laffed. 

“ Cum, now, own up that you was afraid of the 
bridge,” says Miss Barnaby, as soon as she could quit 
laffin’ long eneough. 

“ Bridge ! What bridge ? ” says I, kinder surprised, 
for I was positive there must bo a mistake sumwhere. 
- “ Why, the Suspension bridge that you jest crossed, 
of course.” 

“ You don’t call that Suspension bridge,” says I, 
lookin’ as wise, and at the same time as astonished as 
I possibly could. 

“ Yes, that’s Suspension bridge, and I tell you it’s a 
grand and most beautiful sight if anyone could only 
have nerve eneough to witness the view from the car 
winders.” 

“Well, I’m sure it needent require so very much 
nerve to look at that , for it ain’t nothin' compared to 
the grate covered bridge over the Mohawk, and I’ve 
crossed that lots of times, with nobody only old Kit 
and the wagon.” 

“ What made you so soar't , then ? ” says she, kinder 
spiteful. 

“ I wasent scar’t, nor no sich a thing ; but I hain’t 
been feelin’ well all the mornin’,” says I, as I got up 
and walked out on the platform to see if I could see a 
bridge anywheres, but I can’t egzactly say whether I 
did or not. There was a couple of high stone chim- 
neys, or sumthin’ sot up tollerable close together, and 
hitched to another span that was quite a ways ahead. 
They looked like they mint be dangerous, ’cause they 
was tied to the ground with twisted ropes as big as a 
7 


98 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


stove pipe, and that was all I seen, only a car track 
runnin’ through the middle of the harness. 

If that was Suspension bridge (and I have every 
reason to believe it was ), it don’t amount to so very 
much after all, and I wouldent advise folks to lay 
awake nights or have a fuss in the family because they 
hain’t never seen it. It’s a lofty affair, and looks like 
it was a good place for folks to stay away from, unless 
they was huntin’ a location to spend money and git 
scar’t to death, and the satisfaction of not seein’ it is 
worth 99 times as much as the satisfaction of seevri? it, 
but it’s generally terrible hard work to persuade your- 
self to think so. If you have any doubts about the 
matter, I’d advise you to go and see for yourself, and 
when you git right on the middle of that bridge where 
the spiderwebs air the thinest, after you’ve took one 
good look at your surroundin’s, give me the credit I 
deserve as a true profit, and I’ll ask no more. The 
sensations that anybody experiences when they’re run- 
nin’ through the sky on nothin, may be novel and de- 
lightful to sum , but for 6 oifle long minnits Fd be 
willin’ to change places with a hungry New Jersey 
tramp, and pay him considerable to boot. 

When Jake Peggs and his wife cum home from 
their weddin’ tower, tellin’ about the big bridge that 
was suspended over the river like a oriole’s nest, I 
thought mebby their imagination was a little sprung, 
and that their yarns was iike a sircuss advertisement, 
| lies and the other 3d doubtful, but in justice to 
Jake’s folks, and everybody else, I must admit that 
there is a terrible sight of reality about that bridge, 
too much, in fact, for anybody to relish the 1st dose of 


AND HER TRAVEL*. 


99 


it. When I got back in the car, I seen Miss Barnaby 
biffin’ as hard as ever, and I s’posed of course she was 
still thinkin’ about that bridge, but when I seen my 
ban’ box lay in’ on the seat, lookin’ as flat as a surro- 
gate’s seal, I knew then that sumthin’ else had hap- 
pened. 

Everything was a total reck. My bunnit looked 
as if it had the hydrophobia, and my new lace break- 
fast-cap (that the milliner said was so becumin’ to my 
stile of buty) looked as if it had been run through a 
clothes-ringer. I sot there viewin’ the ruins for as 
much as a minnit, and then she spoke up and, says 
she — 

“ I know it’s too bad to laff, but I couldent help it.” 

“How did you cum to do it?” says I, feelin’ as if 
I’d like to shake ’er till ’er false teeth ’d fly out. 

“Bless your heart, I dident do it. You jammed it 
yourself when you sot down between the seats.” 

Of course I knew that she’d done it herself and 
was tryin’ to palm it off onto me (for anybody knows 
I wouldent bring a ban’box all the way from home 
jest to set on while I was crossin’ Suspension bridge) 
and it made me so mad, that I histed the winder and 
pitched the hull thing into the street. 

“ Clearin’ out ? ” inquired the man that had helped 
to rescue me from between the seats. 

“Yes; I’m clearin’ out a few things, and if it 
wan’t for makin’ a show of myself, I’d clean out the 
hull seat,” says I, lookin’ around at Miss Barnaby, as 
much as to say I ment her. It dident take her long 
to gether up her duds and move to more congealin’ 
quarters ; but she only done it for an excuse to git in 


100 


MAIIETIBLE HOPKINS 


the seat with a spruce-lookin’ old feller that she said 
was “the imige of dear Mr. Barnaby.” 

After she was gone I got to thinkin’ the matter 
over and I felt sorry I’d been so quick to throw out 
the ban’ box, even if it was a little dilapidated, and for 
the 1st time in my life I realized the truth of the 
maxim, “ Haste makes waste.” The lace on the break- 
fast cap was jest as good as new (for I’d never had it 
on only to see how it fit), and would done 1st rate to 
put in the sleeves of my dress, and the ribbins and 
artificials could been straightened out, and that nice 
little ostrich fetlier, it was a pity to lose that While 
I sot there a meditatin’ over my foolishness, the man 
in the next seat says to me, “ There’s a dusky maiden 
of the forest.” I dident know what he ment, but I 
looked in the direction he was pintin’ and seen — what 
looked to me like a woman with a seal brown com- 
plexion and brass ear-rings. She had a red bannana 
hankerchief tide ’round her head, and a old shawl 
’round her shoulders, but what color that was, I ain’t 
prepared to state, for the orriginal material had been 
so successfully hid by time, and dirt, and constant use, 
that the prevailin’ color looked jest as if she lived a 
good ways from water. She wore a dark complexioned 
walkin’ skirt cut low-necked ’round the lower age, and 
light colored slippers that turned in at the toes like a 
duck’s foot, and they looked like they was easy on her 
feet. She had a basket on her arm, and was sellin’ 
bead pin quishons (so sum of the passengers said, but 
I dident see her sellin’ any). When she got along by 
my battered ban’ box, she sot down her baskit and 
begun to look at what she’d found. When she’d satis- 


AND DDE TEAVELg. 


101 


fide her woman’s curiosity that there wan’t nothin’ else 
in the box, she ontied the old hankerchief . and, as a 
most bewitchin’ smile spred over -f of her features, she 
arranged my poor misused bunnit over her raving 
tresses, and after tyin’ the lace cap around her neck, 
she marched off down the railroad track, lookin’ as 
proud as a senator’s wife. Everybody laffed.as if it 
was the funnyest thing on record, but I tell you it was 
dretful humilliatin’ to to see my best bunnit and 
them corn colored satin ribbins adornin’ the head of a 
squaw peddler, but it looked so mean sett in’ up there 
cross-legged on her head, that I had to laff myself. 


CHAPTEE XIII. 


A POOR OPINION OF CANADA — M AHETIBLE’S FIRST STEAM- 
BOAT RIDE — MRS. BARNABY AND “THE IMIGE OF HER 
DEAR DEPARTED” — TRAVELING FOR PLEASURE, NOT A 
DECIDED SUCCESS — SWEET CUCUMBER PICKLES CON- 
TINUED. 

I made up my mind that I wouldent git acquainted 
with nobody else, for it was sure to bring me trouble 
whenever I did , so after the cars started I bizzied my- 
self watchin’ the country we was passin’ through, and 
I tell you, it was a mean lookin’ piece of landscape. 
Aunt Huldy Bascum was always tellin’ how the custom 
house officers searched folks’ es pockits, and trunks, and 
bustles every time they left Canidy, but I’m sure I can’t 
see any reason for all that bother ; ’cause there hain’t 
nothin’ in Canidy only pine trees, and snow, and deso- 
lation, and a few dingy lookin’ cabins, and children 
mixed in by the way of a contrast, and I’m sure no- 
body’d want to steal them. Jest about dark, or a few 
minits after that, we got to Detroit. I’ll always remem- 
ber that place, ’cause it’s where I rode on the 1st steam- 
boat I ever seen, and I dident see that, and it was only 
by an accident that I found out anything about it when 
I did. My talkative friend in the next seat had been 
out in the smokin’ car for sumtime, if not longer’n that, 
and when he cum back he spoke up as familiar as a 
hired man, and, says he, “Well, how did you injoy your 
steamboat ride \ ” 

I thought jest as likely as not that there was a bot- 
102 


maiietible Hopkins And iter travels. 


103 


tie in the smokin’ car, and that he’d warped his imag- 
ination a trifle, by lookin’ at the bottom of it too often 
when the cork was out, so I says, in dretful cold tones : 

“ I think you’re mistaken in the person, sir.” 

“I think not,” says he positively. 

“I think yew air, for I never seen a steamboat 
(only them that’s drawed by poor old horses on the 
canal) much less to ride on one,” says I dretful stern. 

“But I am equally positive that yew was on a 
steam ferry boat not 20 minnits ago,” says he, and then 
I begun to think he was a crazy lunatick (like these that 
murder so many folks on the strength of it) and I 
don’t think I’d changed my mind on the subjeck, if the 
other old man hadent explained to me how the hull 
train of cars run right on the ferry boat and was car- 
ried acrost the river jest as easy as a lumber wagon 
full of country folks. I did remember sumthin’ about 
the cars backin’ up and stoppin’ quite a spell in one 
place but I was too sleepy to hist up and look out and 
it was too dark to see anything if I had. When I 
folded myself up like a patent combination rule and 
laid my head on my carpit sack I says to myself, “ I do 
hope I’ll git a little rest to-night,” and I did (if histin’ 
up and changin’ positions every 15 or 20 minnits can 
be called rest). I had been noticin’ that the widder 
Barnaby and “the imige of dear Mr. Barnaby” had 
been gittin’ tollerable friendly towards each other, and 
I calkerlated to watch their actions, but I was so sleepy 
that I soon forgot my mission, but the last I remem- 
bered, his arm was restin’ on the back of the seat and 
her head was noddin’ closter to his shoulder all the 
time. 


104 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


It was broad daylight when I opened my eyes 
(after my last change of position) and I heard some of 
the passengers sayin’ we was in sight of Chicago. The 
1st thing I done was to look over towards the widder, 
and — oh, horrors ! There sot that dretful man (lookin’ 
as innocent as a preacher) with the widder Barnaby 
fast asleep on his coat collar. My goodness ! Who’d 
ever believe that widder wimmin could be so foolish. 
Y oung girls hain’t got no better sence than to blunder 
into matrimony, but it does seem strange to see the 
widders tryin’ so hard to git fooled ag’in. The brazen 
faced things ? I do hope I shan’t never be a widder, 
especially while Hesekiah lives, ’cause it would mor- 
tify him to death to see me takin’ on that way. I was 
completely disgusted with widders and pleasure trips, 
and narrer car seats, and if I said, “Oh, dear, dear; 
how I wish I was to home where I belong,” once, I 
said it a hundred times every day. “ What grate satis- 
faction had I deriv’ from my journey, so fur ? ” was a 
question that I’d asked myself a dozen times, although 
I hadent got no satisfactry anser yit. Here I’d been 
travellin’ stiddy for 2 terrible, long, miserable nights 
and a hull day, and I hadent seen nothin’ only trouble 
and the grate Suspension bridge, and hadent had no 
pleasure, nor nothin’ else only the back-ake and a pain 
between my shoulder blades, and had lost 18 hours’ 
sleep and my best bunnit. Talk about folks “trav- 
ellin’ for pleasure,” but my opinion is, they’ll have to 
travil a good long spell before they overtake it, and 
unless their constitution is pritty middlin’ tuff, they air 
liable to die before their mission’s fulfilled. Good- 
ness me ! “ Travellin’ for misery ” would be a good 


AND HEE TEAVELS. 


105 


deal nigher the truth, and everybody would know they 
was gittin’ the worth of their money then, and — but 
that’s reasons eneough. 

I wanted to git the rest of that reseat, so as soon 
as the widder righted herself up I went oter where 
she was, and says I, in a real cheerful tone of voice, 
“ Good mornin’, Miss Barnaby.” 

“ Good mornin’,” says she. 

“ I cum over to ask you if you’d give me the rest 
of that reseat for sweet cucumber pickles,” says I, tim- 
idly. 

“Certainly; but 1st let me introduce you to Mr. 
Parmer, my intended husbun’.” 

“ Another victim of misplaced confidence,” says I 
to myself, but turnin’ to her I inquired : 

“ Ain’t this tollerable sudden ? ” 

“ Well, y-e-s; it is pritty much so, but you see it 
was a clear case of love at 1st sight, and would you 
believe it, Dolphy (his name is Adolphus Alexander, 
but I prefer to call him Dolphy, ’cause it sounds so 
poeticle) was never in love before, and ” 

“ He’ll wish he hadent been this time,” says I to 
myself, jest as the brakesman hollered out “ Chi- 
ca-go,” and then I reminded her that it was the reseat 
I’d cum for. 

“ Oh, yes, I cum near forgittin’ it, dident I ? Let 
me see. I think I told you to ” 

“ To wash ’em and remove the seeds,” says I, dret- 
ful impatient, for I seen everybody fixin’ to leave the 
car only me. 

“ Well ; then you scald ’em, as usual, spice and sea- 
son to your taste — now, sum uses more spices than 


106 MAHETLBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 

others, but I don’t, for I never thought it helped to 
keep ’em, and ” 

“Yes, that’s so, but what do you do with them 
pickles when you get ’em scalded, and spiced, and 
sweetened and put in a stone jar/’ says I, interruptin’ 
her a 2nt time. 

“ Save ’em for company,” says she, as she disap- 
peared through the car door, hangin’ to her dolphin 
like a red ant to a cracker crum, and I went back to 
my seat after my carpit sack and umbrell, and to 
wonder whether she used any vinegar in her sweet 
cucumber pickles. 


CHAPTER XIY. 


THE WICKED CITY OF CHICAGO— TROUBLE WITH OMNIBUS- 
DRIYERS — MAHETIBLE SECURES THE RIGHT OF WAY — 
TIGE IN BONDAGE — WAR DECLARED WITH THE RAIL- 
ROAD COMPANY — A SETTLEMENT AGREED UPON — A 
VICTIM OF MISPLACED CONFIDENCE — TIGE INDULGES 
IN A SQUARE MEAL. 

When Amaziah Sprague cum back from Chicago a 
few years ago, he told Hesekiah and I and sum of the 
other nabers (and it seems as if I’d heard it sum- 
wheres else, too) that “ Chicago was the wickidest city 
in the world,” but I dident believe it then, ’cause he 
was always runnin’ sumbody or sumthin’ down, and 
there wan’t very much dependence to be put on what 
he said, but since I’ve seen Chicago myself, I reckon 
it wouldent be much of a job to make me believe 
c mything about it. Amaziah said, “ Chicago could see 
the wickid cities of ‘ Seldom and Tomorrer’ (that we 
read about in the bible) and go one better,” but I 
don’t know about that, ’cause I don’t egzactly under- 
stand what he ment, but I know it’s wickid eneough 
for most anything. 

As soon as us passengers sot the soles of our shoes 
on the depo platform, there Avas a hull rigiment of 
sassy-lookin’ and sassyer-actin’ fellers rushed onto us 
like a pack of hungry wolves, and begun to auction 
off carriages and omnibuses and sich stuff that nobody 
wanted to buy. I seen ’em grabbin’ holt of f olks’es 
satchels and snatchin’ the birdcages and bundles out 

107 


108 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


of their arms, and nobody acted as if they dared to 
sass ’em back, but says I to myself, “ They’ll be pritty 
apt to hear sumthin’ to their disadvantige, if they go 
to troublin’ me” 

USTot much more’n 6 2nts had colapsed when one of 
’em made a rush at me and begun to holler, “ Carrige, 
carrige ! D’ye want a carrige ? ” but I was on my gard, 
and jest as he reached to grab my carpi t-sack, I poked 
out my umbrell, and he cum agin the peaked end of it 
with all his might. It astonished him sum , and I 
reckon by the way he doubled himself up over his stum- 
muck and rolled up his eyes and swore, and felt ’round 
in the region of his liver pad, that he had an idee that 
the umbrell had gone clean through, but it hadent, and 
I shuck it under his nose to convince him of the fact. 
Mebby he was used to sich treatment, and mebby he 
thought from the innocent expression on my counte- 
nance, that it was a accident (such as you sumtimes 
meet at a fair when you undertake to poke an umbrell 
out from under an old farmer’s arm with your eye), 
but as soon as he could straighten himself up he 
returned to the charge, but I noticed he give me all the 
room I needed. As soon as he’d fell back, I seen a 
fresh one cornin’, and when- he got near eneough, I 
says to him, in a very determined tone of voice : 

“ See here, young man. The 1st one of you that 
lays a hand on that carpit-sack’ll think a mule’s kicked 
’em.” As soon as he seen that I wan’t a woman to be 
trifled with, he stepped to one side, and says he, “ Clear 
the track, boys. Here comes Susan B. Anthony,” and 
then another of ’em hollered out, “ Sail ahead, old gal, 
the coast is all clear.” 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


109 


They evidently took me for sumbody else, and it’s 
a good thing they did , for I reckon I’d had to hurt 
sum of ’em real bad, if they’d known I wan’t no distin- 
guished person. Then I went after Tige. When I got 
to the baggige car, a man with a smile on his face (that 
must been tied together in the back of his neck), riz up 
out of his armchair by the stove, and says he : 

“ What can I do for you, madam?” 

“ Well, sir, I’ve got a big brindle dog in there, and 
I’d like to ” 

“ Is that your dog,” says he, pintin’ his frunt finger 
at. Tige and lookin’ as wickid as if he was goin’ to jab 
it right through ’im. 

“ Yes, sir,” says I, and then I knew that sumthin’ 
was rong, for he folded his arms acrost the lower part 
of his shirt bosom, and straightenin’ himself up as stiff 
as a dried codfish, and says he : 

“ I’m sorry to trouble you, madam, but that dog 
can’t leave this car till you settle for damages.” 

“ How much air they ? ” says I, supposin’ it was 
somethin* he’d been feedin’ Tige. 

“ Five dollars,” says he, dretful independent. 

“ You don’t mean to say that you’ve give that dog 
5 dollars worth of damages, do ye ?” says I earnestly. 

“ I mean to say that he’s give me 5 dollars worth 
of damiges, and he can’t leave this car till they’re 
settled.” 

I thought mebby I could do better by talkin’ right 
Up to him, so I spoke up and, says I, “ It’s altogether 
too much and I shan’t pay it.” 

“ All right ! I’ll keep the dog then.” 

“ See here, if you don’t deliver up that brindle dog 


110 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


in less’n 2 minnits I’ll sue this railroad for 10 thousand 
dollars,” says I, beginnin’ to git mad. 

“ Can’t help it, madam. I shall hold that dog till 
the bill’s paid, if it breaks up every railroad in Chicago.” 

Lawyer Sparks says that “ possession is 9 points in 
law,” so I thought I’d better pay him what he asked 
(instid of tryin’ to mop the baggige car floor with his 
remains, for I wasent feelin’ very well that mornin’ 
anyway, but I felt well eneough to tell him what I 
thought about it). “That’s all right, mister, you’ve 
got -f of the advantige and all the impudence on your 
side, but if I felt like myself for 2 minnits and a I’d 
cum in that car and put sich an expression on that 
lonesum’ lookin’ countenance of yourn, that your own 
mother couldent tell you from a 2 cent comick val- 
entine.” 

I expected that would astonish him dretful, but it 
dident seem to. He jest took it as easy as a Methodist 
minister does a donation. Either he was dretful sot 
in his way or else he was oflle brave in the face of dan- 
ger, but whatever the reason was, he stood there like a 
marble statue on a toom’stone, and I don’t believe he’d 
spoke yit if I hadent calmed down and offered him 2 
dollars to compromise the matter. 

“ I couldent possibly take that, although I’d gladly 
do so if I could, but there’s the transportation charges 
to collect for the company, and 25 dollars wouldent 
begin to settle my private damages, but bein’ that 
you’re a woman, I’ve put the cost as low as possible. 
Why, my good woman,” says he, warming up with 
his subject, “ I’ve been like a brother to that dog. I 
never closed my eyes last night, because I knew if I 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


Ill 


did that the boys would never let up till they’d kicked 
him clean through the side of the baggige car, and 
this is the treatment I got in return for all the kind- 
ness and £ my supper that I bestowed on the ongrate- 
ful brute,” says he, exhibitin’ a pair of pant’loons that 



looked as if they’d been through the main sassige 
grinder of a bolony fact’ry, or had been hangin’ out 
sumwheres for a cheap clothin’ house sign when 
one of them Missoury sly coons cum along — that 
is, what was left of ’em did. About 3 quarters of 


112 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


’em was still hangin to the waistband, and the rest, he 
said, was in Tige’s possession, along with a quarter of 
a yard of red Californy underwear, and quite a large- 
sized chunk of humanity that orriginally belonged to 
the baggige master. He said it wasent the real worth 
of the articles that hurt his feelin’s, hut he dident like 
to be deprived of ’em in sich a heartless manner. I 
knew the poor man had trusted to that innocent look 
on Tige’s countenance, and got left — that is, jpart of 
him was left ; so I give him the 5 dollar bill, and in a 
voice chokin’ with tobacker smoke and emotion, I says 
to him : “ I hope you won’t blame me for anything 

I said, for I was mad, and ” 

“ Don’t speak of it, madam. I’m a marrid man and 
my wife’s mother lives with us, so nothin’ short of a 
rail-road smash-up, or a loose mule in the baggige car 
can disturb me” says he politely. 

When I ontied that dog it was with the firm deter- 
mination of teachin’ him his manners, jest as soon as 
I could find a club and a back door yard, but when I got 
him out where I could get a good look at him, I couldent 
hit him a blow that would kill a flea, if I’d got 3 shil- 
ling for doin’ it. The poor dog was as thin as hotel 
soup, and his hide stuck to his ribs like a poorhouse 
plaster to a lame back. When T. went in to breakfast, 
I took the poor sufferin’ towerist along, and says I to 
the waiter, “ Take that dog into the kitchen and give 
him all he wants to eat,” but when they brought me 
the bill for one dollar extry, I begun to see how foolish 
I was to give ’em such an order, for they’d stuffed that 
dog so full of sumthin’ that his sides sot out like a gar- 
ter snake’s after it had swallered a frog. 


and her travels. 


113 


“ You’re chargin’ me too much for that dog’s break- 
fast,” says I — thinkin’ that I’d better be economical 
when I could . 

“ Look at the beast and that’ll convince you whether 
we’re chargin’ you too much or not. He’s et up every- 


thing in the kitchen, and he’d et up one of the hired 
girls and the dishwasher, if I hadent coaxed him out 
just when I did.” 

I paid the bill and then I went out to see if I 
couldent get Tige checked through to destination, but 



114 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


there wasent no accomodation in the new baggige 
smasher. He wouldent hitch an old empty cattle car 
on behind to put Tige in, nor he wouldent let me hitch 
him to my own trunk, so I got mad, for he was most 
too expensive for a luxury, and too pesky mean to travil 
with me any more, so I concluded I’d leave him in 
Chicago. I know it was a mecm thing to do, but I 
thought I’d get even with ’im. 


CHAPTEK XY. 


A LITTLE DIFFICULTY WITH THE CHICAGO BOOTBLACKS — 
TIGE AND THE BOY BECOME FAST FRIENDS — A GOOD 
LITTLE NEWSBOY — SOME VALUABLE INFORMATION ON 
THE POWER OF ENDURANCE — THE <( FASTEST BOG ON 
RECORD” — THE EFFECTS OF EVIL ASSOCIATIONS. 

The next trouble Tige and I incountered was boot- 
blacks, real Chicago bootblacks. I’d often heard tell 
how a smile or a kind word (and Jonithan says a chaw 
of tobacker) would bring sunshine to their little hearts, 
so I smiled down into his little smutty fisiology and it 
almost seemed as if I could see a change spredin’ over 
him. 

He gazed at Tige for as much as 2 minnits and then 
he lifted his little smut sircled eyes ’till he met my kind 
and motherly gaze and says he, “ That’s a mighty fine 
dorg, I wish I owned ’im.” Thinkin’ that mebby I’d 
be doin’ a deed of charity in more ways than one, I 
says to him, “Well, sonny, what would you do with 
that dog if I’d make you a present of ’im.” His eyes 
sparkled in their dusky settin’s like a pair of diamon 
ear-rings in a package of prize pop-corn and a smile 
spred over his face till the blackin’ cracked into sec- 
tions like an alligator’s overcoat and then he spoke up 
and says he, “If I owned that humley lookin’ beef 
eater I’d set him to chaw up Sandy Bruce’s tarrier and 
2 or 3 other dogs in our alley and then I’d sell him to 
old Yonsnoozleburg for sassiges and sircuss tickits.” 

115 


116 MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 

About a dozen future congressmen had gethered 
’round by that time and begun to yell (and make folks 
wonder what small boys was invented for) over what 
they evidently thought was a dretful cute remark. 

I thought it was too ruff a crowd for a woman of 
my means, so I started to walk off and I don’t s’pose 
there’d been anything more of that affair to write about, 
if that sassy little retch hadent put his thum up to his 
nose and hollered out, “ Fresh bolonygers.” 

That made me mad and I reached for ’im, but he 
was a trifle the quickest, for old age and other infirma- 
ties (especially the rumatiz that’s been botherin’ me off 
and on for the last 15 years) is apt to make a body’s 
j’ints tollerable stiff, and besides that I hadent no idee 
the little imp was so spry, but if I’d ever got my 
hands onto his coat collar, I’d shuck all thoughts of 
sassiges out of his mind, and teached him better man- 
ners than to be sassy to an old lady. 

As I said before, I dident git ’im, but when Tige 
seen me reach for ’im, he seemed to think I wanted the 
boy for sumthin’, and he volenteered to git him for 
me. The boy was a middlin’ small-sized one to begin 
with, and as he was goin’ tollerable fast Tige dident 
have much choice for a location, but he maniged to 
fasten onto the boy’s back jest below his jackit, and 
the way that boy kicked and hollered and talked over 
his sunday-school lessons, put me in mind of the time 
Hesekiah tore down the wasp nest — that was in the 
elder bushes along the garding fence — only Hesekiah 
dident have no big brindle dog hangin’ to him like a 
bloodsucker to a black eye, but them few little slim- 
waisted wasps with their yaller and black pol’nays on 




118 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


made him claw the air and tramp down the cucumber- 
vines and swear like everything. Tige was always in 
sich a hurry about everything, that he wasent a very 
trusty person to send after a boy, but he’d arrest one 
of the little varmints jest as quick as a policeman. 

The little rascal hollered as if he wouldent be able 
to set down for a week, so I made Tige let go, and 
undertook to find out if the boy was much hurt, but — 
I dident. He was leanin’ up ag’in a post feelin’ ’round 
kinder careful to see if Tige had left any of the base- 
ment of his pants, when I went up to him and, says I, 
“Did he hurt ye, sonny?” but all the satisfaction I 
could git out of the sassy little retch was cry and cuss 
words in about equal proportions. 

I shuck my umbrell at him as he was walkin’ off 
backwards and, says I : 

“ It’s a precious lucky thing for you that I hain’t 
your mother.” 

He humped up his shoulders and run out his tung 
till he looked like a boy that’d et too much warm 
biskit and honey, and then — turning towards the 
crowd of grimmy-faced urchins and passengers that 
was watchin’ us and laffin’ as if we was a 25-cent side- 
show — he hollered out: 

“ It’s a mighty lucky thing for the old hyena that 
she ain't? 

If I’d had holt of him I’d made him think that 
there was a hull menagery turned loose in Chicago, or 
a small sized Missoury slycoon broke loose in his 
vicinity, but I knew I couldent ketch ’im, and I seen a 
big man with brass buttons on his coat that looked as 
if he wanted Tige to make jest one more brake before 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


119 


he killed ’im, so I walked off down the street wonderin’ 
why it was that all the good little boys died so young, 
and calk-erlatin’ on how much meanness the averige 
Chicago bootblack carried to the square inch. 

The cars wan’t goin’ till 9 o’clock, so I thought I’d 
walk round a spell and see if I couldent sell Tige for 25 
or 30 dollars. The 1st feller I spoke to was a quiet 
lookin’ overgrown boy that was callin’ out, “ Chicago 
Herald.” He had a bundle of papers under his arm, 
but I seen right off that he was different from the 
general run of sassy little retches, that yell “ Times or 
Jernal ” into your ears till they’ll ring for an hour, or 
march up and down the street 20 times in 15 minutes 
chantin’ in a kind of a sing-song way, “ Here’s where 
ye git yer evenin’ papers. All about the man that 
died in K’lumbus.” This boy looked more as if he was 
sproutin’ for a Sunday-school superintendent or a act- 
ive member of the temperance union, and when he 
told me that he was supportin’ a widdered mother and 
2 old maiden ants, and that his father was killed in the 
late rebellion when he was a prattlin’ babe cuttin’ his 
stummuch teeth, I felt like incourigin’ the boy, so I 
bought a couple of papers and then I asked him if he 
knew of anybody that wanted to git a right smart 
watch-dog, one that could exchange ref erance with cmy 
family. 

“ Ho, mom, I don’t ; dogs air pritty thick here jest 
now, and owin’ to the recent decline in Texas cattle, 
there hain’t no great demand for ’em at cmy price, but 
if you’d take him to Californy, you could sell him for 
50 dollars easy.” 

“ That may all be, but it would cost me 250 dollars 


120 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


to git ’im there (if travillin’ expences increase as they 
have since I started with ’im, not to mention the 
trouble I’d have or the anxiety that’d ring my heart 
for fear he’d eat up 5 or 6 of them baggige smash- 
ers, and I’d have to pay more for one of the dead men 
than he[and his hull family’ d bring to auction, if he was 
alive). hT o, young man. I’ve made up my mind that 
Tige and me’s got to seperate, and the sooner it’s done 
the better.” 

“ Well, now, see here. You can take that dog and 
he won’t bother you a bit, and won’t cost you only the 
price of a bone or a chunk of dry bread occasionally,” 
says he, as he shiftid his papers over onto the other 
arm, and leaned up ag’in a post to rest. 

“ How can I do it ? ” says I, eagerly, for I did hate 
to part with Tige, after raisin’ him from a pup. 

“ Make him f oiler.” ^ 

“ Bless your heart, my boy, he couldent never keep 
up with them cars,” says I, real good-natured, for I 
kinder took to the sociable little feller. 

“ Yes he could , though. You jest try ’im once, and 
you’ll be surprised to see how he can clime over the 
ground. If you’ve got time to spare I’ll jest tell you 
what a good, healthy dog can do. Bob St. Clair— a 
friend of mine here in the city — goes down into the 
southern part of the state every summer, huntin’ 
prarie chickins. Last summer, jest before the huntin’ 
season, his old dog died and he had to buy another. 
The new dog had a 1st rate good pedigree, but he dident 
know no more about huntin’ than we do about the 
north pole, if he did as much , so Bob got discoursed, 
and instid of fillin’ the dog’s hide full of bird shot and 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


121 


makin’ a sensible hunter of ’im, he got mad and started 
for home. "When he got to the cars he dident have 
no chickins to give the boys, so that made ’em mad, 
and true to the company’s interests, and when they 
wanted to collect 2 dollars extry for the dog, Bob 
cussed ’em a little and the dog a good deal, and said he 
wouldent pay a cent. He went out and hitched the 
dog to the hind car, calkerlatin’ that there wouldent be 
nothin’ only the string left to pay taxes on when he 
got back to Chicago, but — if you’ll believe me — that 
dog not only kept up with the train, but he’d beat ’em 
in if he hadent been tied fast, and he ■ ” 

“ Stop a minnit, young man,” I interrupted. “ You 
don’t mean to say that the dog got here as quick as 
the cars did f ” 

“ Yes, mom, I do ,” says he earnestly. 

“Was he alive?” says I, thinkin’ that mebby he 
was tryin’ to fool me that way. 

“Alive. Well I should smile. Yes, mom, he was 
alive and as frisky as a kitten, and the gol-durned 
brakesman wanted Bob to stand the drinks for the 
axle grease the dog had licked off ’n the wheels. How, 
you may not believe that yarn, and I can’t blame you 
much if you don’t, for I wouldent believe it myself if 
I hadent been to the depo and seen the train cummin’ 
in, with the dog hitched on behind.” 

At 1st I thought mebby sumbody’d been tellin’ him 
that yarn, but when he said he’d seen it with his own 
eyes, then I was mixed up, and I couldent tell whether 
it was the influence of that wickid city settlein’ down 
onto the boy like a spell of the fever’n ager, or 
whether the dog had been brung up by a Hew Jersey 


122 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 


tramp, but it made me sad to think a boy of sich grate 
promise should go the way of all the world. Even if 
I had believed the yarn, I knew Tige couldent stand 
sich a trip, ’cause he always hated work worse’n a 12 
year old boy, and he always reserved all his energy 
for his next fight. Whenever he follered Hesekiah to 
town he always cum home with his tail hangin’ at J 
mast and his tung lollin’ out as if it was dog days the 
year ’round, and he’d crawl off under the table as if he 
was ashamed of himself because he went (and good- 
ness knows, old Kit was as slow as congress dealin’ 
with the Mormons, or a couple of young folks cummin’ 
home from prayer meetin’). I was too much aston- 
ished to say anything more, so I started for the depo, 
and he went on down the street huntin’ for another 
audience. 


CHAPTEK XYI. 


A BARGAIN AT LAST — TIGE AS THE NEW WATCH-DOG — 
SMILES BESTOWED ON THE NEW MASTER — THE 
TARTAR CAUGHT — A SOLEMN PROCESSION — VAIN 
HOPES — DEACON TODD’S DREAM — A VIEW BEHIND 
THE SCENES — MISERY AND PRIZE PACKAGES. 

When I got back to the depo I seen a man un- 
loadin’ trunks out of an express wagon, and as he 
seemed to watch Tige tollerable close I went up to 
him and says I, “ Mister, I reckon you don’t know any- 
body that’s liable to want a 1st rate good watch-dog, 
do ye ? ” 

“ Indade, and I do, mum. Shure, it’s mesilf that’s 
bin wantin’ the same, this long time since. Wud he be 
afther sthoppin’ in the ould wagon to take care iv 
things, d’ye know ? ” says he, scratchin’ his head as if 
he had unprofitable tenants in the upper story. 

“ My good man, if you’d hunt this world over you’d 
never find a better, for that purpose, and I can give 
immediate possession, a clear title, and 2 or 3 of the 
most satisfactory reasons for sellin’,” says I ; and then 
I p’inted to the wagon and told Tige to get up there 
and take care of things. Tige wasent a hansom dog, 
but when he seen him settin’ up there lookin’ as proud 
and sassy as a short-term Senator’s wife, he wanted 
him dretful bad, but it took us quite a spell to settle 
on a price. There wasent only 9 dollars and a £ diff er- 

m 


124 MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 

ence when we 1st commenced to banter, but he was as 
contrary as a blind mule, and I was jest stingy eneough 
to want to make a good trade, so we argered till almost 
train time, and then we split the difference. That is, 
I cum down 9 dollars and he raised his bid 50 cents 
and took the dog. 

After I’d got comfortably settled in the cars, I 
raised the winder to see how Tige was takin’ our 
seperation, but he was too bizzy for anything jest 
then. His hull attention was ingaged watchin’ his 
new master, and seein’ him try to git acquainted 
with his trade-dollar dog. The man was walkin’ 
’round the wagon try in’ to find out what kind of a 
dog he’d got anyway, but all the compliments he could 
offer dident seem to change Tige’s resolution in the 
least. He jest sot there as immovable as a toomstone, 
and I knew from the look of determination on his 
countenance that he’d made up his mind to take care 
of that wagon or die, and he looked like he dident 
care much which. The only signs of life and annyma- 
tion he showed was when his new master reached after 
the lines (that was tied to the nub on the dashboard) 
and then Tige smiled on him in sich a frank and 
earnest manner that you could count his wisdom teeth 
as they glistened in the sunlight, but aside from that 
most facinatin’ smile not a mussel moved. When he 
found that Tige was so hard to git acquainted with, 
he got mad and begun to twit the poor dog of his 
pedigree on his mother’s side, but the more he danced 
around and made things lively for the crowd, the 
harder Tige laffed. The way the man repeatid over 
scripture and swore and hopped up and down and 



SMILES BESTOWED ON THE NEW MASTER. 





126 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


cussed me and Tige would surprised most anybody 
only that dog, but he held the fort and the wagon- 
seat undisturbed, and seemed to view the matter as 
calm as a sinner does the contribution box. Then the 
man got mad in earnest and seizin’ the horse by the 
bridle — for that was the nearest place he could git to 
the wagon — started off leadin’ the horse and cussin’ 
me, while Tige sot up on the seat, lookin’ as brave as 
a rebel general, and as contentid as if he owned all 
the corner-lots in Chicago. 

As I seen the lonesum procession movin’ slowly 
’round the corner, I wiped a tear off ’n the end of my 
nose, and syed a sy as much as a yard and a £ long. I 
know it was foolish, but I jest couldent help it. Poor 
old Tige ! The faithful friend who had stuck to me 
like a bad reputation ever since he was a little pup 
and et out of a tea-sasser, was seperated from me for- 
ever, and I, myself, had severed the tender ties for the 
paltry sum of a trade dollar, with a hole in it, but the 
tears I was sheddin’ soon give place to a real old fash- 
ion’ country smile as I thought of the sircuss that fel- 
ler’d have when he went to onhitch that old horse (for 
he’d never git Tige out of that wagon unless he 
blowed him out with blastin’ powder, and it wan’t 
likely he’d git very near the wagon till he did git ’im 
out) and says I to myself, “ He’ll think he’s got the 
most dog, for the least money, of any man in Chicago.” 
After I’d got red of Tige, I thought I was goin’ to 
have a real comfortable time of it, but that news 
agent, that always has the latest papers, the newest 
books, and the best fruit that the markit awfords (and 
generally a good stock of perseverance) came into the 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


121 


car — but this one had a good deal mor’n an average stock 
of everything in his line — he was chock full of informa- 
tion on all subjects relating to railroads, eatin’ houses, 
distances, and I don’t know what all. I mentioned this 
to another passenger and he said they was, as a rule, 
walking on sye-clo-pe-dies. I don’t know what he meant ; 
I didn’t want to expose my ignorance so I didn’t ask ; 
but I think it was in his favor, for he had a good opinion 
of them all. This news agent, for some reason or other, 
made up his mind to torment me all he could and he did 
it. He remindid me of poor old deacon Todd’s dream. 
Uncle Ebineezer Todd had one of them pesky old scolds 
for a wife, that would make a man wish he’d been born 
as deaf as a grindstun, if he had to be born at all, and the 
poor old deacon had a miserable time of it. One mornin’ 
he let on as if he’d had a terrible dream and wasent goin’ 
to tell of it, but the old woman kep’ ding-dongin’ to know 
what it was about, and finally he spoke up and says he : 

“ I don’t like to repeat that dream, ’cause it makes 
me shudder till I most shake my suspenders off, but I 
reckon I won’t git no peace till I tell it, so I may jest 
as well begin. I dreamed that I died, and I went to a 
country hotter’n home, or Texas, and it looked as if 
they’d been havin’ dry weather ever since the flood, 
’cause the fence posts was warped up like ox bows, and 
the ground was so hot it made everybody feel dretful 
anxious about their soles. When I got to the only 
tarvern there was on the road, the clerk (who had a 
coal of fire for a diamon brestpin) showed me into 
the deception room, and as he shet the door, he said 
sumthin’ about my sendin’ my clothes out for the 
heathens. The room was about as big as the State of 


128 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


Eode Hand, but for all of that it was gittin’ dretful 
crowded for elbow room. It was divided into stalls, 
like a livery stable on a large scale, and they was all 
labled ‘ scoldin’ wives,’ ‘ bank cashiers,’ ‘ lawyers,’ 
‘lightnin’ rod peddlers,’ ‘book agents,’ ‘saloon keep- 
ers,’ ‘ prize fighters,’ ‘ hipocrits,’ ‘ crooked wives,’ ‘ news- 
paper reporters,’ ‘mashers,’ ‘snide preachers,’ ‘minin’ 
experts,’ ‘ pension agents,’ ‘ merchants that sand their 
sugar,’ and, in fact, every branch of industry was well 
representid. Sum pens dident have quite so many in, 
but the 1st 2 was so full, that they was stickin’ out all 
’round the ages. They was all asleep, only the firemen, 
and they only roused up long eneough to stir the fire 
and then they went to snoozin’ ag’in. ‘ What makes it 
so blamed hot in here ? ’ says I, to one of the men, when 
he got up to stir a fire that would melted flat irons 15 
feet from the furnice doors. 

“ ‘ H-u-s-h,’ says he, placin’ his finger on his lips, and 
lookin’ ’round cautiously to see if I’d disturbed any- 
body, and when he seen that I hadent, he continued : 
‘ Take off your overcoat, my friend, and prepare to git 
all the rest you can, for this is your last show.’ 

“ ‘ Why, w-h-a-t-’s the matter ? ’ says I, beginnin’ to 
wish I’d been a better man when I was alive and had 
the chance. 

“ ‘ Well, you see we’ve had orders to be reddy for 
old Miss Todd, and when she gits here, there won’t be 
no more rest for nobody,’ says he, syin’ as if his last 
hope had flew up the chimney. 

“ ‘ You don’t mean Betsy Ann Todd, do ye ? ’ 

“‘Yes, she’s the very one.’ Did you happen to 
know her up above ? ’ 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


129 


££ £ I should reckon I did. She’s my wife? 

££ £ Your wife ,’ says he, droppin’ the red-hot poker 
that he’d been punchin’ the fire with, and after rollin’ a 
bank cashier, and 2 scolds, and a pollytician, and a 
milk man (whose record showed that he owned 6 
cows and a pump) over onto the coals, he cum back, 
and says he, £ Did I understand you to say she was 
your wife?’ 

“ £ Yes, sir, I think you did.’ 

££ £ How long have you been married ? ’ says he, lead- 
in’ me off to the coolest corner (and that was so hot that 
I could feel the pegs shrinkin’ up and droppin’ out of 
my boot soles). 

££ £ 30 years cum next corn harvist.’ 

££ £ There’s sum mistake, somewhere, for you must 
surely need a little rest by this time ’ ; and then turnin’ 
towards the door he hollered out, £ Hello ! there, Judas, 
send in that reporter if he’s cum yit, and tell the head 
clerk I want him? 

“ As soon as he cum to the door he straightened him- 
self up as important as if he was back where he 
learned his trade, and says he, £ ‘Well, sir, what’s 
wantin’ ? ’ 

£££ Who sent Ho. 284735296183 in here?' inquired 
the fire puncher, warmly. 

££ £ 1 did. He’s that lightnin’ rod agent that ’ 

“ £ Ho, he ain’t. This is poor old uncle Ebeneezer 
Todd, and he’s served his term up above. Take him 
out before he melts, and give him a front room up 
stairs with 2 fans and a ventilater in it, and report the 
negligence of the shipping clerk to headquarters.’ 

££ £ I’m very sorry this has occurred,’ says the clerk, 
9 


130 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


as he grabbed holt of me to lead me out; but his hand 
was so blamed hot that it fride and sizzled so when it 
struck mine that it woke me up.’ ” 

That kinder scart the old woman, so] she tendid 
church regular for 2 Sundays, and dident scold none 
to speak on for 3 or 4 days, but it wasent a permenant 
cure. She got to thinkin’ it was a put up job when 
she dident die accordin’ to the program, and she made it 
so dretful lively for the old deacon, that he used to say 
he was offie sorry that his part of the dream hadent 
been true. It was jest about that way in the car after 
that news agent cum in. The more I kep’ tellin’ him 
that I dident want none of his goods, the more he 
kep’ pokin’ his baskit under my nose, and shoutin’ 
“ Oringes ” or sumthin’ else right into my ears. "When 
he cum in shoutin’ “ Prize packiges, only 25 cents and 
a grand prize warranted in every box,” I thought I’d 
buy one and mebby he’d give me a little rest to pay 
for my patronisin’ a humbug. While I was huntin’ 
out the right change (for I wouldent trust him with an 
extra penny no sooner ’n I’d send a hungry dog home 
with a beefstake) he cum along and settin’ the baskit 
down on the arm of the seat and leanin’ his elbow on 
the handle, he says to me : 

“ Cum now, old lady, you mus’ent be too stingy. 
Jest take J a dozen of these packiges and probably 
you’ll win a fortune, if not sumthin’ of still more im- 
portance.” 

“ What’s in ’em'?” says I, when I’d got the right 
change sorted out. 

“Valuable prizes of every discrip tion, from a set of 
diamon ear-rings down to a farm in Texas.” 


AKD HER TRAVELS. 


131 


He let me take my pick out of the hull lot, and 
then he went away, and I thought he had sence eneough 
to stay away. I gess mebby he knew that I’d picked 
on the box that had a handful of hard gumdrops and 
a ring in it. Any way, he dident show his smilin’ 
countenance to me ag’in in as much as 15 minnits, and 
when he did , I says to him in dretful severe tones : 
“ Look here, young man, I bought that trash of you 
in hopes that you’d stay away from here in the future; 
and now if you don't do it, I’ll pitch that baskit of 
oringes out of the winder, and put sich a countenance 
on your shoulders that folks ’ll think it’s a squash show 
to a country fair, and will want to hitch a 1st premium 
ribbon to your ear.” 

That closed him up for a minnit or 2, but it wasent 
long till I heard him sayin’ to the feller in the next 
seat (who was payin’ 10 cents for a glass full of Peek 
Ann nuts): “ I’ll tell you what it is, pard, I like to stir 
the old yankee lady up and hear her sputter and 
scold.” I knew he ment me , but I dident care so long as 
he kep’ his distance and dident say nothin’ real sassy ; but 
I had my umbrell handy in case of an immergency, 
for I always believe in “ preparin’ for war in a time of 
peace.” I leaned my head back ag’in the winder 
casin’, and says I to myself, “ I never commit ed a mur- 
der in my life, and I hope I can always say it ; but if 
that news agent and me’s both alive when this train 
gits to San Francisco, it’ll be a wonder.” 


CHAPTER xvrr. 


THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER — ANOTHER, BUT NOT A SUSPEN- 
SION BRIDGE — SWEET DREAMS OF HOME — THE 

EFFECTS OF TRAVELING — MR. OGLESBY INTRODUCES 

HIMSELF AND LUCINDY HARRIET ANN — A ONE-SIDED 

CONVERSATION. 

Jest before we got to Rock Hand, a little thin 
nervous woman that sot in the next seat, turned round 
and says she : 

“ Don’t you dread to cross the Mississippi river 
bridge ? ” 

I dident like the looks of her none the best, cause 
she looked so much like aunt Sofrony Upton, that I 
couldent help but anser her tollerable short as I re- 
plied, “ I hain’t thought so very much about it.” 

“ Oh, dear me, I can’t think of nothin’ else,” says 
she, syin’ till her stummuch heaved like a trottin’ 
horse’s. 

“ Is it another one of them Suspension bridges ? ” 
says I, beginnin’ to git interrested. 

“ Oh, bless you, no. It rests on a number of heavy 
pillers and is safe eneough, but jest think of ridin’ over 
a railroad bridge that’s over a mile long.” 

“Well, if them pillers is the regular hotel kind, the 
bridge is probably bilt on a solid foundation, but if 
they air home’ade and stuffed with live goose fethers 
I’d hate to risk it.” 

“ Oh, they hain’t fether pillers, they air solid col- 

ums, bilt with stone and mortar, and ” 

182 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 


133 


“ Well, why dident you say so in the 1st place,” says 
I, as I leaned hack among the quishons and endid the 
conversation for that time. As soon as we got in sight 
of the river I put a cardamon seed into my mouth and 
braced my feet aginst the foot rest, and let on that I 
was deeply interrestid in Ayer’s Alminack, but, between 
you and I, 1 was thinkin’ of that bridge every min nit 
and shakin’ as bad as Sal Cummins did the time she had 
the fever ’n ager. In a few minnits we was on the 
bridge and the stern realities of life was starrin’ us 
right square between the eyes. It was sum time, and I 
don’t know but what it was longer ’n that, before I could 
muster courige to look out of the winder, for I knew I 
should see sumthin’ dretful when I did, but wimmen’s 
curiosity is apt to git the best of her judgment once in 
the while, and / wan’t no exception to the general rule. 
I looked, but I dident see nothin’ after all. The bridge 
was a real respectible lookin’ one, and dident look 
nothin’ like that shakey lookin’ concern that’s stamped 
onto my memory with indellible ink. It was a regular 
bridge, covered with iron shoulder braces, and I don’t 
s’pose the cars could got out if they’d wantid to, only 
at the 2 ends. 

That night I restid a good deal better’n usual, and 
if I hadent had to get up every 10 or 15 minutes to 
rub the cramps out of my ’nees and various other j’ints, 
I don’t know but I’d restid real well. Along in the 
latter part of the night I got to dreamin’ about my poor 
Hesekiah, and I thought I was back home, and jest 
gettin’ reddy to start on my tower, when he cum in 
lookin’ as forsaken as a yaller dog in a strange naber- 
hood, and jest as he’d twined his arms ’round my neck 


134 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


and was mussin’ my collar, and tellin’ me how his life 
would be as dark as a root sellar, and that the hopes of 
his heart would be busted worse’n a nest full of frozen 
hens’ eggs if I dident let him go along, sumbody give 
me sich a shake that it jarred J the hairpins out of my 
head, and a voice — that I knew belonged to Aunt 
Sofrony’s imige — shouted into my best ear : 

“ Wake up ! Wake up, for mercy sake ! ” 

“Well, what’s the matter now? Is the cars a’fire 
or ” 

“ Oh, no ; it ain’t no accident, but we’ve got another 
bridge to cross.” 

“ Well, can’t you cross it without wakin’ everybody 
in the car ? ” I snarled out, for I was mad about bein’ 
disturbed when I was restin’ so nice and comfortable, 
and dreamin’ sich pleasant dreams of home. 

“ I dident calkerlate to make you mad, but I thought 
in case of an accident that you’d want to be awake,” 
says she timidly. 

I see she ment all right, so I thanked her for her 
trouble and told . her she needent worry about me any 
more, ’cause my life was insured, and then I went to 
sleep ag’in, and if any accident occurred, / never heard 
of it. When we got to Council Bluffs I thought I’d 
disarrange my twilight before I went in to breakfast, 
but when I cum to look at my face in the glass I had 
to laff. My face was as clouded as a marble toomstone, 
and my collar and cuffs looked as if I was wearin’ 
1st mournin’ for sum of my friends. Soon after I’d 
got sot down to the breakfast table, an old man with a 
pompous air and a bal’ head, and a lanky girl of about 
15 (that made me think of a pair of tailor’s shears) cum 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


135 


in, and the waiter (that they called “ Coffy Splasher,” 
though land knows whether that was his name or not) 
brought them clean acrost the room and sot ’em down 
along side of me. 

Hesekiah always had lots of fun with me because I 
talked so much, and he said lots of times that he’d be 
willin’ to match me ag’in any single-handid talker in 
Ameriky (but of course he was only jest in fun), and 
he told Mose Skinner once that he’d match me ag’in 
his wife (she’s one of the ofile’est talkers I ever sot my 
eyes on) for a 6 days go-as-you-please talkin’ race, for 
the championship of Ameriky, and the winner to take 
f of the gate money ; but Mose dident see where the 
joke cum in, and before Hesekiah could explain it he’d 
got both of his eyes trimmed in plum color and his 
nose spread all ’round his countenance till it looked 
more like a sugar scoop in a grocery store, than it did 
like a nose. Hesekiah held raw beefstake and blood 
suckers to his eyes for 2 days, so’s he’d look respecti- 
ve to go to town meetin’, and then the men joked him 
about ’lection whiskey, and some of ’em wanted to 
know if it wouldent be the cheapest for him to git up 
and build the fire in the 1st place. He never liked 
Mose very well after that, and I never heard that he 
was negociatin’ for any more talkin’ matches, either. 

Well, as I started out to remark, if Hesekiah’d sot 
to that table and heard the old feller rattlin’ off our 
languige in 20 yard strips, he’d thought that men 
talked a little sumtimes (but he’d been too plagy con- 
trary to owned it to anybody). As soon as the old 
man sot down he opened fire by remarkin’ : 

“ H-e-m. A very nice mornin’.” 


136 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


“ Yes, sir.” 

“ Air you traviIli]l , west ? ” i 

“ Yes, sir.” 

“ Alone ? ” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“ How fur west do you go ? ” says he, as he tucked 
a red napkin under his chin and grabbed holt of his 
knife and fork as if he was calkerlatin’ to stab sum- 
body with ’em. 

' “ San Francisco.” 

“Ah, yes. You’ve got friends there, I suppose.” 

I seen that I couldent discourige him with short 
ansers, for the questions seemed to gurgle out of his 
mouth as easy as store vinegar out of a 2 gallon jug, 
so I straightened up and says I : 

“ Ho, not egzactly. I’m jest travillin’ for pleasure, 
though I did know Sam Smith’s folks, that went to 
Californy 8 or 9 years ago, but we heard he was hung 
in Hevady for stealin’ an old mule, and she and the 
children had marrid another man, so I don’t s’ pose I 
shall find anybody there that I know.” 

“ I’m glad I met you, for I’m going as fur as San 
Francisco myself \ and it’s so much more pleasant trav- 
illin’ when we can have agreeable company all the 
way,” says he, as he unloadid a 2nt teaspoon of sugar 
into a cup of riley lookin’ coffy. 

“Ho you live there?” says I, thinkin’ it was my 
turn to ask questions. 

“Yes; that is, I live near there. I have a fruit 
ranch in the Santy Clary valley, and I shall always 
stay there, ’cause it was where my poor dear Harriet 
Ann lived and died,” says he, wipin’ an imaginary tear 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


137 


off’n his nose with the napkin, and then he syed 2 or 
3 times and continued, “ I’ve jest been back to Injeany 
after my daughter. She’s been livin’ with her grand- 
maw ever since her own maw died, and now she’s 
gittin’ to be a young lady, and I want to take her 
home where she’ll git the advantiges of a little more 
refined society. Not but what her grandfather’s folks 
was real nice folks, and middlin’ well-to-do farmers, 
but they kep’ a big hog-ranch down on the Wabash, 
and I felt as if she oughter learn sumthin’ more 
elevatin’ than herdin’ hogs. I hain’t got anything 
perticular ag’in the occupation, ’cause it’s honest, and 
generally pays pritty well, but sumhow it don’t never 
give that polish to a person’s manners that they’ll git 
if they mingle in the upper sircles.” He stopped long 
eneough to ketch his breath and rake the coffy 
grounds out of his mustash, and then he continued : 
“My name’s Oglesby — Orlando Oglesby, and this is 
my daughter Lucindy (her full name’s Lucindy Harriet 
Ann, but we most always call her Lucindy) and this 
is Miss — Miss — if you please, what may I call your 
name ? ” says he, turnin’ towards me. 

“ Hopkins, Mahetible Hopkins.” 

“Any related to old uncle Ezry Hopkins’ es folks 
down on the Wabash?” 

“Not that I know of,” I replied, and while he was 
givin’ his orders for tuff beefstake and potaters (biled 
with their hide and conciderable of their native ele- 
ment on) I had time to take a good look at Lucindy. 
She was neither a han’sum blond or a dashin’ brunett 
(as the story papers say) but she was a sort of a 
go-between. Her hair was dark, and so was her face, 


138 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


and the freckles that was scattered over it so lavishly. 
Her eyes was a thin buttermilk blue, and she was as 
awkward as a rail fence ’round a hog pasture, and as 
full of grins and spruce-gum as a country schoolmom. 

The old man told me all about his grate trouble 
and how he missed his poor dear Harriet Ann, and I 
tell you it was a sight to see him settin’ there peelin’ a 
worm-eaten chilly potater, and vainly strivin’ to recall 
the past, while the tears chased each other down the 
side of his nose and buried themselves in the rinkles 
of his napkin. I simpathised with the poor man, for 
I thought what a dreary, desolate world this would be 
for me if Hesekiah should take a notion to die and 
leave me all alone in this vale of tears and politicle 
difficulties, and so to try to cheer him up a little, I 
says, “ Yes, it must be offle lonesum round the house, 
when you no longer hear that gentle voice welcumin’ 
you with, ‘clean yer feet,’ ‘bring sum water,’ or 
‘ split that kindlin’,’ as soon as you git inside the door. 
I know it’s heart rendin’, but you must try to bear up 
under the burden. Trust in Providence and sumtime 
you may be rich eneough to git another ; and then, in 
the misery of the present you’ll soon forgit the past ; 
and besides that, you’ve got a little daughter to com- 
fort your reclinin’ years.” 

“Yes,” says he, absently, as he helped himself to 
another section of tuff beefstake, “ poor little mother- 
less lam, she’s lots of comfort to me, but yet my nature 
craves for a more congealin’ spirit; my heart yearns for 
a lovin’ companion, as a lonely dove pines for its 
absent mate ” 

“Or a hungry tramp longs for a square meal,” 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


139 


says I, but he dident seem to notice the interruption, 
for he continued : 

“ My heart longs to possess ’’ 

“ All aboard,” shouted the conductor, and I don’t 
know to this day whether he was longin’ for another 
chunk of mince pie or for some body to darn his socks. 


CHAPTER XVIII. 


PLEASANT ACQUAINTANCES — A VERY FREE-HEARTED MAN 
— THE WESTERN FEYER — A HARMLESS CURE — A 
CHEAP BOARDING HOUSE ENGAGED — OUT OF CIVILIZA- 
TION — ON THE LOOKOUT FOR SCENERY — THE BOUND- 
LESS PLAINS AND THEIR INHABITANTS — “THAT 
NEWS AGENT AGTn” — PROOF AGAINST BOOK AGENTS. 

When we got in the car Mr. Oglesby maniged to git 
me ’n Lucindy a double seat, ’cause he said it would 
be so much pleasanter for us to have a hull seat to our- 
selves, and it would , but by the time he got us settled, 
he couldent find a seat for himself, so he cum back and 
located along side of me, jest as if he belonged there. 
He said he’d got his eye on a real pleasant seat by the 
stove, and I was in hopes the rest of his body would go 
over to keep his organ of vision company, but it 
dident. I kinder hinted that the 6ar seats was bilt 
most too narrer for sich portly folks as we was, but it 
dident bother him. He was as contentid as if he’d rid 
in a city omnibus all his life, but he was tollerable good 
company though, and one of the free’est heartid men 
I ever sot eyes on. He got peanuts, and oringes, and 
coff drops, and sumthin’ every time the boy cum ’round 
(and that was pritty middlin’ often when he found 
that anybody was foolish eneough to patronize ’im). 
After a while he got interrestid in politics and went 
down by the stove to jine in the discussin’ and I leaned 
back ag’in the quishions and gazed out at the changin’ 
picktur of Hebrasky. A few years ago Hesekiah got 

140 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVEL!. 


141 


what Miss Stebbins called “ the western fever,” but I 
soaked his feet and put mustard drafts on his chest once 
or twice, and that was all "the docterin’ he got, and he 
cum out all right, so I know it wasent nothin’ danger- 
ous (though she declared Stebbins ketched it of ’im, and 
that he never got over it, but I noticed he was always 
well eneougli to eat his meals and vote a democrat 
tickit). Hesekiah slep’ 1st rate well nights and et like 
a hired man, and the only bad simptoms I noticed, was 
a kind of hankerin’ to sell out and go west, but I knew 
the man was perfectly harmless, and I never worryed 
none about his flity spells. I always had an idee that 
Kebrasky was clean out of the world, but it ain’t, and 
it seems like sich a pritty piece of country that I was 
most sorry I hadent let Hesekiah had his way about 
goin’. 

After I’d watched “ the homestids ” (as one of the 
passengers called ’em, but they looked to me jest like 
farm-houses with corn-fields, and cattle, and wire 
fences ’round ’em) and et coff drops till I tasted like a 
tar fact’ry, I went to sleep and never woke up till 
Lucindy called me to git reddy for supper. I was real 
glad I’d met her and her father, ’cause she seemed to 
take to me from the very 1st ; and sumhow I couldent 
help but like the lanky critter myself. We hadent been 
acquainted more’n 3 hours when she made me promise 
that I’d go home with her, and stay 2 or 3 weeks, 
and when she told me that it shouldent cost me a cent, 
I consentid to stay as long as she wanted me to, and 
mebby longer’n that, ’cause it would be so much 
cheaper’n them regular boardin’ houses, where you don’t 
git no accommodations nor nothin’ else ; only hash. 


14S MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 

After supper Mr. Oglesby got Lucindy a seat acrost 
the passige way (’cause he said he was afraid she’d git 
the sick headake, ridin' backwards so much) and then 
he took her seat so I wouldent git lonesum. I told 
him I dident mind bein’ lonesum a little, but he dident 
seem to take the hint. He jest sot there and talked 
like a paid orator, for as much as 2 hours and a i, and 
then I went to sleep. Sumtimes I think he kep’ right 
on talkin’ all night and that was the reason I slep’ so 
well ; but I do know when I opened my eyes the next 
mornin’ and begun to show visible sines of returnin’ 
to unconsciousness, that he was on hand as fresh as 
ever, and he opened the day’s battle with, “Good 
mornin’, Miss Hopkins. I hope you restid well,” and 
before I had time to return the compliment he 
advanced the startlin’ inflamation that we was “ out 
of civilization.” 

“ Is that so ? ” says I, sleepily, as I begun to feel 
’round on the quishon for my hairpins. 

“Yes, and if you’ll allow me, I’ll raise the blind so 
you can have an interrupted view of the scenery.” 
I sot there for as much as 15 minnits gazin’ at nothin’ 
as stiddy as I could, and jest as I was goin’ to ask him 
where that scenery was, he turned his tung loose : 

“ Behold those boundless plains that stretches away 
on every side until! they mingle with the horrors in 
the dim distance. They were once the huntin’ grounds 
of the noble red man, and perhaps where our eyes air 
now restin’ he has hunted the buffalos, and antelope, 
and ” 

“ Graybacks,” interruptid the news agent, as he 
started out on his morning’s raid. 



A SOMEWHAT LENGTHY ARGUMENT, 



144 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


“ Is there any danger of them injuns attracting the 
train and murderin’ part of us, and carryin’ the rest off 
to he white squaws in the lodge of Stickinthemud, or 
sum other big chief ? ” says I, with the anxiety spredin’ 
all over me in streaks, as I thought of the blood- 
curdlin’ scenes, and the jest-in-time escapes that I’d 
seen pictured out in them red-headed novels. 

“ Oh, no. The injuns air all driv onto their preser- 
vations, and they generally manige to stay there most 
of the time. Sumtimes they take a trip over the line, 
and steal stock, and burn ranches, and murder eneough 
pioneers to make a little newspaper excitement, but 
they don’t mean nothin’ by it. It is the same spirit that 
prompts us to fire off cannons, and read the declama- 
tion of independence, and drink whiskey and have black 
eyes on the 4th of July, and a headake, and a dark- 
colored taste in our mouth on the 5th, but they gener- 
ally answer to roll-call when Uncle Sam distribits 
blankits and tobacker. They work on the same prin- 
ciple that makes boys go to Sunday-school regular, 
after they hear that the Christmas tree is a sure thing 
that year. No. There hain’t nothin’ on these plains 
now, only kyotes, and jackrabbits, and cowboys, and 
rattlesnakes.” 

“ Be they as troublesum as the injuns, and gray- 
backs, and ” 

“ Oh, no. They’re all tollerable lively critters, but, 
aside from the rattlesnakes, they’re as -harmless as a 
bread and milk poultice on a sore thum.” 

Then he p’inted his finger off to the left of sunrise 
and says he, “ Yender lies the old beaten trail where, 
in earlier years, the weary emmigrant ploddin’ towards 


AND HER TRAVEL*. 


145 


the settin’ sun, lost ” but what he lost, I am unable 

to sa} T , for jest then they called out, “ Sidney, 30 min- 
nitsfor breakfast,” and he hussled ’round to git Lucindy 
woke up, and forgot to finish his lecture. Mebby it 
was a king-bolt, or a wagon-tire, or a quart bottle of 
fever’n ager cure, or a horse shoe off’n the oxen, that 
the poor emmigrant lost, but he lost it anyway, and it 
does seem as if sum of the folks £ round Sidney’d found 
it years ago. When Mr. Oglesby was eatin’ he dident 
find time to talk much between mouthf ulls — ’cause they 
was generally too close together — so that give me 
30 middlin’ short waistid minnits to think. I couldent 
help but wonder what it was he wanted to show me, 
when he h’isted that blind. The hull country was as 
level as Stebbins’es sheep pasture, and, as poor as my 
eyesight is, I believe I could seen a sparrer, or a ground 
squirrel, if there’d been one there, but there wasent , nor 
nothin’ else as I could see. Not a tree, nor a house, 
nor a hitchin’ post, nor a fence, nor nothin’ only bunch 
grass, and telligraff poles, and they looked sorry to 
think they was there, but if there was any scenery 
there it must have been a middlin’ small sized one, or 
else I dident know what it was when I did see it. 

After breakfast Mr. Oglesby got to talkin’ with the 
men about who was liable to be the next president, and 
Lucindy got ingaged chawin’ gum and readin’ a new 
magazine, and if it hadent been for that news agent 
and his markit baskit full of truck, I’d had quite a 
restin’, spell. 

This perticular time that I’m goin’ to tell about, he 
cum in with his arms full of green, and red, and blue, 
and brown covered books, and begun to dump ’em into 
10 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


u$ 

the seats. I thought it was real clever of him to bring 
in the hull library for us to look at, and I thought 
mebby he’d repentid of his former meanness, and I 
made up my mind that I’d buy some peanuts of him 
after a while, so’s to incourige him to keep up his 
good resolutions. I dident care about readin’ the 
books, but I was afraid he might feel slighted if I 
dident look at ’em, so I picked up one and went to 
lookin’ at the pictures, but I hadent looked at more’n 6 
when he acted as if he’d changed his mind and was 
sorry he’d done it, for he went to getherin’ ’em up 
ag’in as fast as he could. All the way I could account 
for it was that his conscience (if them chaps ever have 
such things) had been havin’ sum kind of a infernal 
race between humanity and the news agent, and 
from all appearances humanity had been nocked clean 
out of the ring. When he got along by my seat, he 
sot himself down on the age of it as familiar as a hired 
girl, and says he : 

“ Now, I know you’re calkerlatin’ on buy in’ one of 
them railroad gides to-day, so you’d better take it now , 
before the supply’s exostid.” 

“ Well, young man, you’re badly mistaken if you 
think so. I don't see what use it would be to me, for 
I don’t never expect to go to bildin’ railroads, but 
if you’ve got a 1st rate good gide to dressmakin’ or 
a family cook book I mint take one, ’cause they always 
cum handy.” 

“ I’m sorry to say that I hain’t nothin’ of that kind 
this mornin’, but I’ve got every other kind of enter- 
tainin’ literature, and it’s so cheap that no one should 
refuse to store their brain with useful information,” 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


14T 


“ You needent undertake to reccomend the infor- 
mation of the brain to me, for I had it once, and I 
wouldent have it ag’in for nothin’ in this world, if I 
could help it.” 

“ Well, really, now; I’d never took you to be a per- 
son that was subjech to it.” 

“Well, I am, so jest g’long about your bisiness. I 
don’t want you standin’ ’round here, ’cause some folks 
say the information’s ketchin’,” says I, real kinder short. 

“ My dear woman, you air perfectly safe. There 
ain’t the least bit of danger,” says he, and then he 
started out to tell me of the grate advantiges I could 
deprive from one of his bound books — only 2 dollars 
and a|a copy. He said he couldent begin to sell ’em 
for less’n 3 if he hadent jest bought out a bankrupt 
printin’ establishment and got a corner on that pertic- 
ular grade of goods ; but if I really wanted one, he’d 
call it even 2 dollars, jest for accomodation, and if I’d 
take the one with a green cover I mint have it for a 
dollar 75 (’cause it was mussed a little ’round the ages), 
and if I dident feel as if I could spare quite that much 
he’d throw off the quarter, and finally he offered it for 
a dollar, and said he was losin’ jest 10 shillin’ by sellih’ 
it at that price, but he was makin’ the reduction so’s 
to git my custom. 

I told him I dident want the books at <my price, 
but he seemed so sot on my takin’ the one with the 
green cover that I dident know but what he’d give it 
to me and then throw in a couple of cromos and a but- 
ter knife, but he dident. When he got down to 45 
cents he seemed to be too discoursed to drop any 
further, so he picked up his books, and I went to sleep. 


CHAPTER XIX. 


AN ATTENTIVE AUDIENCE — AN ACT OF KINDNESS — TRUE 
PERSEYERANCE — A FORTUNATE MISFORTUNE — THE 
BACKBONE OF THE CONTINENT — SOMEWHAT MIXED 
ON BIBLE QUOTATIONS — HELPING GEN. GRANT — 
GEN. SHERMAN'S NAMESAKE — A PATRIOTIC WOMAN. 

When I woke up sum hours after, that peace dis- 
troyin’ villin was rattlin’ off that same lingo to poor 
old Miss Brown (who was as deaf as a hitchin’ post, 
and so near-sighted that she couldent seen a bumble bee 
settin’ on the end of her nose unless she had her glasses 
on), and to make matters worse (for the news agent, 
but ever so much better for her) she was f asleep, and 
when he seen her head a noddin’ he thought she was 
listenin’ very attentive, and that made him forgit 
everything only the pedigree of his cheap literature. 
He’d hold up 1st one book and then another, and every 
time he’d see her nod her head, I s’pose likely he 
thought she’d bid it in, and he’d lay it down in the 
pile and tackle another. By the time he’d got a \ 
bushel baskit full piled up in her seat, she was sound 
asleep, and snorin’ like old deacon Bates to a protractid 
meetin’, but he was so busy (tellin’ her what a fine 
library she was securin’ for the paltry sum of 9 dollars 
and 75 cents) that he dident seem to notice it. When 
Miss Brown and her husbun’ 1st cum in the car, I felt 
dretful sorry for her because she couldent hear nothin’ 
much, but when I seen her settin’ there, with that 
same peacable expression on her countenance, all the 

14a 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 149 

time that shadow of evil was hangin’ over her head, I 
realised for the 1st time in my life that “ misfortunes 
air sumtimes blessin’s in disgise,” especially if the mis- 
fortune happened to be “ hard of hearin’,” and a body 
calkerlates to travil on the cars very much, after a 
news agent gets down on ’em as he was on me. Even 
her great affliction dident exempt her that time, and I 
seen plainly if sumbody dident cum to her rescue soon, 
that he’d talk her to death or else into the hospitle, but 
he’d never let go his subjeck. I felt as if it was my 
duty to adjourn the meetin’, so I give him a poke in 
the back with my umbrell, and says I, “ Git away from 
there ; don’t you see the woman’s asleep ? ” 

He was goin’ to wake her up and commence over 
ag’in, but I told him it wouldent be no use, unless 
he’d got a patent ear-trumpit. Then he was discour- 
sed, and I thought by the way he slammed the car- 
door when he went out, that mebby he’d stay away a 
spell, but he wasent gone more’n 6 minnits, when the 
door opened, and “ Fresh Calif orny oringes; 2 for a 
quarter,” warbled out onto the over-burdened atmos- 
phere. I pertendid to be so bizzy readin’ that I never 
took no notice of ’im, but he wan’t to be slighted that 
way, for he poked the baskit in under my nose till I 
could smell oringes for 15 minnits, but he dident sell 
none to me. 

Along in the afternoon Mr. Oglesby spoke up. 
Says he: “ We’re goin’ over the back-bone of the 
continent in a few minnits.” 

“Won’t it injer’ the poor thing to run over its 
back-bone, or is it a dead one that sumbody’s throwed 
on the track?” 


150 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


“Oh, Miss Hopkins! You air sich a hand to git 
off jokes. I mean we air goin’ over the Rocky 
Mount’ins in a few minnits now.” 

Josh Billin’s says, “Fools wonder but wise men 
reflect,” but in spite of sich a convincin’ argement, I 
couldent help but wonder why folks couldent jest as 
well say what they merit in the 1st place. 

How, it’s all well eneough to talk to ignerant 
people (that hain’t never travilled none) about the 
cars climin’ over the Rocky Mount ? ins, but I’ve been 
there and seen it myself, and I don’t hesitate to say 
that it’s a bigger humbug than spiritualism (if sich a 
thing is possible). Of course the cars go over the 
place where the Rocky Mount’ins is marked down in 
herrin’-bone stitch on the maps, but the mount’ins has 
been smoothed Over and gouged out and leveled down 
till it ain’t no bigger job to git over ’em than it would 
be to go a blackberryin’ on a side hill. 

When he 1st begun to tell about the cars runnin’ 
over the mount’ins, I dident think it nothin’ strange, 
’cause I’ve heard myself that they’d run over a tin- 
peddler’s cart, or a yaller dog, or a deaf man, or any- 
thing else they could overtake, but when he said that 
the elivation at Sherman was conciderable over 8 thou- 
san’ feet high, then I knew sumthin’ was twisted, or 
else I dident know what he ment. I s’posed. likely it 
was the name of sum big hotel and that’s the induce- 
ments they offered to towerists in exchange for their 
money, or else he was a newspaper reporter and writ 
articles by gess, and had a strong imagination for a 
pardner. I mint thought he’d been readin’ the bible, 
and had got the tower of Babilon located on top of 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


151 


the Rocky Mount’ins, if the color of his nose hadent 
convinced me to the contrary, but anybody with f an 
eye could see that he wasent gilty of that mistake. 

I’ve seen sum middlin’ high bildin’s in my time, but 
none that stretched my calkerlation 7,658 feet out of 
gear. The reason I remember them bildin’s so well is 
because they was the foundation of my 1st quarrel with 
Hesekiah. You see after we was marrid, he thought 
he ought to have his own way, jest as he always did at 
home, but I wouldent listen to no sich foolishness ; not 
that I wanted to boss him a bit, but I always did hate 
to see folks so plagy selfish, and I dident calkerlate to 
allow it in my family. I was always a regular peace- 
maker. I was born that way, and it cum jest as nat- 
ural to me as the measles, and I s’pose that’s the reason 
why I always took sich a notion to them most beautiful 
words of Gen. Grant’s, “ Let us have peace.” There 
wan’t but a few of ’em, but I’ve heard that the Gen. 
was a man of very few words, but th.&t few was gener- 
ally jest to the p’int. He couldent possibly improved 
on them verses if he’d tried, and I don’t know as I 
could myself, unless I added, “ even if you have to fight 
for it.” How right here before I forgit it, let me 
say: I want it distinctly understood that I dident 
introduce that idee of mine as original, or with the 
attention of diminishin’ the value of the Gen’rl’s 
remark in the least, but I thought by puttin’ ’em side 
by side they’d help each other along in the world, like 
a dog leadin’ a blind man (now mebby the General 
won’t like that comparison, but it was all the one I had 
left and — well I’d ruther be a dog than a blind man, 
wouldent you ? ) and if they don't, I reckon there hadn’t 


152 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


no grate harm done, and I should think the Gen. would 
be willin’ to take the chances if /am. 

As 1 was sayin’ about the big bildin’s I’d seen. 
When Hesekiah and I was cumin’ from Conneticut, he 
p’inted over towards sum middlin’ high bildin’s, and 
says he, “ Mahetible, I reckon likely them’s high school 
bildin’s, like folks go to graduate in, don’t yew ? ” 

“No, I don’t,” says I, very determined, for I 
thought I’d show him that I had a mind of my own . 
“ They look to me more like barns.” 

“Barns be durned,” says Hesekiah, real kinder 
spiteful, and that was the last word he spoke to me till 
after we’d got past the old yaller toll gate, 8 miles 
beyond Ferguson’s Mills, and I don’t know as he’d 
spoke then if I hadent convinced him that he was 
rong. 

When we -got to the toll gate I asked the woman 
what them bildin’s was, and she told me they was 
“ elivaters for raisin’ grain,” but before I had time to 
ask any more questions Hesekiah driv on. 

Seems to me it would be an offle sight of bother to 
raise grain that way, for it was all the trouble I 
wanted to raise a few early cabbige and tomater plants 
in the house. But everybody wan’t born farmers, and 
jest as likely as not the poor, ignerant folks in the city 
don’t know any better than to raise grain that way. 
After Hesekiah acknowledged that he was mistaken he 
promised me that it should be our last quarrel, but 
instid of that it was jest a startin’ p’int. 

Oh, yes. I was tellin’ about the high elivation to 
Sherman station. Now, if he’d told a decent kind of 
a newspaper lie, and said it was a hundred feet high, 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


153 


or sumthin’ in that naberhood, ’taint no ways likely 
I’d ever thought about it ag’in, but when he got so 
high up I got interrestid, and says I, to myself, “ I’m 
either goin’ to see sumthin’ terrible high up in the air, 
or else I’ve found one of Bob Burdette’s champion 
liars.” 

When the brakesman hollered out “ Sherman,” Mr. 
Oglesby buttoned his overcoat up close to his chin, and 
says he : 

“ How, Miss Hopkins, if you’ll step out on the plat- 
form you can git a better view of the railroad station 
built on the very stummick of the Kocky mountains.” 

When I got outside where I could see the hull 
place, I was really disapointed, for I’d heard so much 
talk about “ Sherman ” that I expected it would 
amount to sumthin’ more than a dozen or 15 houses 
and a round stable for the injines. 

“ This place was named in honor of Gen. Sherman, 
the tallist general in the army,” says Mr. Oglesby, but 
I was so bizzy lookin’ ’round that I dident make no 
reply till he inquired : 

“ What do you think of the place ? ” 

“Well, my candid oppinion is that they dident do' 
so very much for Gen. Sherman. If they’d donated 
him a pair of gallusses, or a liver-pad, or a tickit in 
the Lucyanna lottery they mint been sum benefit to 
him sum day, but this place never will be.” 

“ I’m afraid you hain’t very patriotick,” says he, 
smilin’, but I dident make him no reply, though I 
don’t honestly believe there’s menny wimmin any 
more patriotick than I am, and I git jest as anxious 
for the 4th of July to cum as a little boy with a packige 


154 MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 

of fire crackers. Last year I had a regular sellebra- 
tion to our house. You see, Hesekiah was runnin’ for 
school director or seckitary of the inferior, and Pve 
forgot which , hut any way the other man got the 
office. 1 tore up one of Hesekiah’s old red flannel 
undershirts, and a piller case, and a pair of blue over- 
falls, and made ’em up into little flags, to deckorate our 
front porch with. Sammy Stebbins wanted one of 
’em, so I traded off the poorest lookin’ one I had for 
$ a packige of fire crackers, and I got Jonithan to take 
’em out in the back yard and fire ’em off. Hesekiah 
would have been the proper one to sot ’em off for me, 
but to tell the honest truth he was so full of cloves 
and enthusiasm and sour mush (I think they call it), 
that he went to bed before dinner time with his boots 
on, and left the other feller to git the rest of the sody 
water and the office. Oh, my, but wasent Hesekiah sick ! 
He told the nabers that it was his liver, but it wasent, 
unless his liver holds about a pint and has a cork in 
the neck of it that smells like bay rum. 


CHAPTER XX. 


A GREAT MISTAKE SOMEWHERE — SOME SEVERE CROSS- 

QUESTIONING — A MODEL CISTERN — “ THE OLD ONE 

THAT NEVER WAS BUILT ” — ORNAMENTING A WESTERN 

CITY — MR. BROWN, AN UNINTERESTING PASSENGER — 

A SOOTHING INFLUENCE. 

Sherman ain’t on top of the Rocky Mount’ins no 
more ’n I am this minnit, if it is as much. The hull 
country right around where the station house stands, 
is as level as Nebrasky, but of course the surroundin’ 
hills is a little mountinous and they cum tollerable 
close to town, but the cars couldent stood no leveler 
if they’d been standin’ on a barn floor. All I noticed 
about the place that was different from the others was 
the big piles of loose rocks that was heaped up every- 
where, and how they ever maniged to handle sum of 
’em is a mistery to me. Mr. Oglesby said, “ Nateyer 
done it,” but I don’t believe no one man ever done all 
of that work, unless he hired lots of help. As soon as 
we got comfortably seated in the cars ag’in, Mr. Oglesby 
says to me : 

u It’s too bad it’s so cloudy to-day, ’cause it spoils a 
fine view for us.” 

I dident make no reply, and a minnit later he in- 
quired : 

“ You’ve hearn of Pike’s Peak, hain’t ye?” 

“ Seems to me that I have” says I indifferently (for 
I wan’t goin’ to expose my ignerance by lettin’ on that 

155 


156 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


I dident know him from any other western character). 
Well, Pike’s Peak is 165 miles south of here, and 
Long’s Peak is 70 miles southwest, and on a clear day 
they air both visible to the nakid eye.” 

“ What air they doin’ off down there ? ” says I, jest 
out of curiosity, for I knew there wan’t no reason in 
sich yarns as that. 

“Helpin’ hotel-keepers, ketchin’ summer towerists, 
and creatin’ gold excitements once in the while,” says 
he, laffin’ as if he’d said sumthin’ offle funny. He sot 
there as much as 2 minnits lookin’ at a black ridge 
layin’ along next to the sky, and then he p’inted his 
finger over towards it and, says he : 

“ Yender’s a spur of the Elk mount’ins jest visible. 
They air a hundred miles northwest of us, but on a 
clear day you can see the hull chain.” 

“ That’s strange ! ” says I, speakin’ more to myself 
than anybody, but he thought I was talkin’ to him, 
and he replied : 

“Yes, it is strange, but it’s owing to the clear con- 
dition of the atmosphere in this locality, and ” 

“Mr. Oglesby, where is that high elivation you 
was tellin’ me about ? Seems to me that ought to be 
sum where in sight,” says I, interruptin’ him, for I 
thought it was time for me to let him know that I 
dident believe all the strange stories I heard. 

“ O-h, yes. I’ll explain that to you presently,” says 
he, and then he went to banterin’ with the boy for 
some oringes and peanuts. Seein’ that I had him cor. 
nered for once, I looked him square into the counte- 
nance with all the dignity of a prosecutin’ attorney, 
and, says I : 


AND HER TRAVEL*. 


15T 


“ Right now don’t seem to be a bad time to explain 
it.” 

After the boy had gone on, he turned towards me 
and, says he — 

“Now I’ll explain what I ment by the elwation at 
Sherman. It is the highest point gained on the Union 
Pacific railroad, and is 8,242 feet above the level of 
the sea. At the time the road was built, it was the 
highest railroad point in the world, but I believe the 
Colorado railroads cum in and raised ’em over a thou- 
san’ feet and bluffed ’em out.” 

I leaned back ag’in the quishons completely dis- 
coursed, for I see he was bound to fix up sum kind of 
an argument to help himself out of all the mistakes 
(I would say real old-fashion lies, only I’ve promised 
Lucindy one of these books, and she might be foolish 
eneough to read it, and I don’t want to hurt her feel- 
in’s) that I ketched him in, so I dropped the subjeck. 

Right now, while I think of it, I want to say sum- 
thin’ about the sisterns they’ve got all along to water 
the injines with. They air sot up on stilts, and look 
like they would be 1st rate good ones for family use 
(’cause they air sot up so high that dead cats and mice 
can’t fall in and git droundid and make the water taste 
billious), but how they ever manige to ketch water 
eneough for all them injines is a mistery to me, for it 
don't look like it had rained in that vicinity in 6 
months, but still them sisterns is always full and sum 
of ’em runnin’ over. I’ve been teasin’ Hesekiah for a 
number of years to bild me a sistern (’cause it’s a dret- 
ful job to melt snow in the winter, and you can't 
always depend on ketchin’ rain water in the summer, 


15 $ 


MAHETLBLE HOPKINS 


and I never could take no comfort with our well water, 
’cause it was as hard as a sinner’s heart), but whenever 
I spoke about it he always maniged to trot out sum 
good excuse for not bildin’ it. The last time I said 
anything to him about it, he says to me, “ Jest tell me 
what good one of ’em plagy sisterns is goin’ tew dew 
yew, and then I’ll talk about bildin’ it. Neow, there’s 
Stebbins’es sistern. What good does it dew, anyway ? 
It’s always dry in the summer and froze up in the 
winter, and yew know as well as I dew that there 
hain’t been a summer since ' they bilt it, that they 
hain’t fished a dead cat or a J droundid young ’un out 

of the bottom of it, and ” 

“Well, I’m sure that needent bother us, for you 
know I hate cats, and the children that ain’t born yit 
to old bal’-headed folks like us, won’t never git 
drowndid in a sistern,” says I impatiently. I never got 
the sistern, but now I’d found one that dident look 
like he could find any fault with, unless he’d be afraid 
of it shrinking up, and the hoops failin’ off. When I 
thought of that, it almost seemed as if I could hear him 
sayin’, “ All right, Mahetible, I’ll bild the little 2 story 
sistern and stand it up on stilts in the dooryard, but if 
it ever gits empty, I won’t hist the 1st drop of water 
to save it. No, sir, not if it falls to staves in 2 
minnits.” I expect he’ll try to talk me out of the 
notion, but I’m sartin on one thing, and that is, I’ll 
have one of that kind of sisterns, if I have any, ’cause 
they air so fashionable. Why, I’ve seen them sisterns 
in sum places that was so small that there wasent but 
one house in the city, and that was the station house. 
The rest of the city was the sistern and 2 or 3 dug-outs 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


159 


(them’s houses built underground like a farmer’s po- 
tater sellar), with the biggest part of ’em labled 
“ SALOON ” over the door. If I ever git one of them 
sisterns I shall have one of them big painted windmills 
sot up on top, jest as they do out west, for they look 
so kinder dressy floatin’ up into the air like a flag on 
a liberty pole, but I don’t reckon I’ll need one of them 
tin nursin’ bottles hitched to the side, cause we won’t 
have no injines to water. You see my attentions was 
to have so much eloquence and luxury scattered in 
and around the old Hopkins homestid, that the nabers 
would stick out their eyes in wonderment, and instid 
of backbitin’ me to their afternoon tea partys (as they 
always do when any of the nabers hain’t there) they’d 
praise me up, and make me president and treasury of 
their sowin’ society. But, to return to my subjeck, I 
kep’ a middlin’ close watch of the cars, all the after- 
noon, to see if they slanted down (as they sure would 
if we’d been runnin’ down hill), but they dident slant 
none to speak on. I dident mention the matter to 
Mr. Oglesby, ’cause if I had , he’d been ready to tell me 
how they went down a ladder, or was wheeled down 
in a wheelbarrow 2 hours ago. 

Then I got to thinkin’ about Miss Brown and her 
husbun’. Now, I don’t know whether he is her hus- 
bun’ or not, ’cause she’s to plagy deaf for anybody to 
find out anything by her, and I don’t dare to ask him 
no questions, ’cause he looks as cross as if he’d been fed 
on shingle nails and sour sider all his life, but I s’pose 
likely he is, ’cause I notice he always takes the big- 
gest part of the shawls to put under his head, and 
keeps the biggest \ of' the oringes he peels for’er, and 


160 MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVEL#. 

thatfs always a pritty good sine that the honeymoon’s 
over. 

Well, as I was sayin’, after she and her husbun’ got 
on the train at (well now, I don’t believe I can tell jest 
where they did git on, but I’m positive they got on 
sumwheres, and I think it was the next place beyend 
the one where the big brick school-house was, but I 
shan’t try to discribe it any nigher’n that, for if there’s 
one thing that I hate worse’n I do cats, it’s to hear 
folks tryin’ to tell sumthin’ they don’t know nothin’ 
about). 

I slep’ 1st rate well nights, ’cause she snored for all 
the world like Hesekiah, and you can’t imagin’ what a 
soothin’ influence it spred over my nerves. It was like 
givin’ sweet milk to a hungry caff, or soothin’ syrup 
to a baby, and it seemed as if I was to home restin’ 
comfortably on my nice goose-fether bed that I and 
Hesekiah made the 2nt summer after we was marrid. 
I always give him credit for helpin’ me make that bed 
(’cause it seems to please him so well, and it’ll tickle 
him most to death to think I mentioned it here), but 
lie dident do nothin’ only herd the geese into one cor- 
ner of the barnyard, and help hold their wings, so’s 
they couldent flop’em into the baskit of f ethers, and 
then he spred the fethers up in the loft to dry. 

What happened immediately after that I don’t 
remember, for I got so sleepy thinkin’ about that 
fether bed that I went to sleep. 


CHAPTER XXL 


GREEN RIVER — ANOTHER GREAT HUMBUG ON THE AMERI- 
CAN PEOPLE — NATIVE IGNORANCE — A GOOD CHANCE 
POR A SAFE INVESTMENT — A PUZZLED PHRENOLO- 
GIST — HOPE, WELL DEVELOPED — A NEW ACQUAINT- 
ANCE — A LONELY AND SOMEWHAT TIMID WOMAN — 
ADVICE ON THE SUBJECT. 

While we was eatin’ supper I heard the conductor 
tellin’ sum of the other passengers that we’d take break- 
fast at Green River, and I was real glad that he’d men- 
tioned it, ’cause I’d often hearn tell of the Black River, 
and the Red River, and the Blue River, and the White 
River, and the Yellowstone River, and lots of other 
colored rivers, and I’d always had an idee that I’d like 
to see sum of ’em, and now my curiosity was goin’ to 
be satisfide. Hot that I had any idee that they was 
strong enough to color carpit rags in, but I expected 
they'd be different from common rivers, but if folks 
dident see sum of the humbugs in this world, they 
wouldent know jest how much deception there is prac- 
ticed on ’em. When I was to home and hadent never, 
travilled none to speak of, I believed most anything I 
heard about the world; but since I’ve travilled and 
seen so much deception with my own eyes, I’ve cum to 
the conclusion that Shakespeare (now I won’t be sertin 
that it was him, ’cause my memory is very treacherous, 
and besides that, I’m a trifle forgitful, and not havin’ 
red the Bible very regular of late, I’m liable to git the 
points and profits a little mixed, but I’m always willin’ 
to acknowledge it when I’m ’rong) knew what he was 
11 161 


162 


MAHETEBLE HOPKINS 


talkin’ about when he said, “ all is not gold that looks 
like it.” Sich idees as that is well worthy of the man 
that made ’em, but sich ignerant folks as us has got to 
travil conciderable, if not further’ n that, before we can 
appreciate the full amount of wisdom that lays clean 
down in the very depths of sich remarks. When I was 
to home I dident know much more about the world 
than the young Missourian that Tom James told about. 
The boy had been born and brung up in the country, 
and, like lots of other good little boys on the farm, he 
hadent never seen much of the world beyend his father’s 
line fence, and his naber’s apple orchard. One summer 
he got a chance to help one of the nabers drive a load 
of live pork to St. Louis, and he was gone 3 hull days 
and nights. When he returned he was quite a hero, 
and when his sister inquired what he’d seen, he replied 
with genuine country inthusiasm : 

“By hockey, Sal, I’ve seen lots, and if there’s as 
much land on t’other side of that river as there is on 
this, yew can jest bet yer garters there’s a right smart 
spred of kentry here abouts.” I was a good deal like that 
myself, only I was’ent so plagy ignerant. Green river 
was friz up as solid as a water pipe in the winter time, 
so I couldent tell whether it was a humbug or not, but 
I s’pose likely it was , for the ice looked as clear as any 
I ever seen in the Mohawk. One thing I do believe, 
though, and that is, that it would be a nice place to 
start a brick factory, for the rocks on both sides of the 
river air (as one of the women remarked) “ the su- 
perbist brick color I ever sawed,” and it does seem as 
if any body mint do 1st rate well in the bisiness, ’cause 
there hain’t no other fact’ry there to run the imposb 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


163 


tion trade, and all any body’d have to do would be to 
cut ’em up into square chunks ’cause they’re all reddy 
colored, and I made up my mind to write to Hesekiah 
about it ’cause it looks like it would be easier ’n farmin’, 
and there’s material eneough there to last a life time. 
You will observe that I’ve got conciderable “ bisiness 
debility and mekanikle injenuity,” in addition to all 
of my other accomplishments. The reason I know it 
myself, is because a dockter that feels of folks’ es heads 
and tells what’s in ’em, told me and Hesekiah so last 
summer. He told me that I’d got a large head, with 
lots of room in it, and he said if I’d use whiskey and 
caster oil in equal proportions it would take off sum of 
the dandruff, if not all. I took the pesky stuff for 9 
days and I gess if I’d took it stiddy for 9 more that 
Hesekiah ’d had to got me a cheap toomstone, and the 
worst of it was, it never took off the 1st speck of dan- 
druff. Miss Stebbins rubbed hern on the outside of 
her head and she thought it helped a little, but I’d lost 
so much faith in the remedy that I would ent used no 
more of it, if I’d known it would took the hull scalp 
off. The dockter felt of Hesekiah’s head the same day 
he felt of mine. He said there wasent very much in 
his head only “ benevolence, and generation, and a 
grate love for the butiful.” I always wondered before 
I heard that, how he ever cum to take sich a fancy to 
me when our dispositions air so different, but that 
explained it all very satisfactory. He said Hesekiah’s 
“ bump of hope ” was the largest developed and sot 
out the prominentest of any he’d ever seen, and I 
declare I couldent hardly keep my face straight when 
I seen him runnin’ his thum over it, for it was a 


164 


MAHETIBLE HOPKIK* 


home’ade bump that I’d made that mornin’ with the 
big tin dipper, ’cause Hesekiah wouldent fill the tea- 
kittle when I told him to. He told me on the way to 
town that he dident believe he should have his head 
felt of, ’cause there was so menny bumps there that 
wan’t orriginal, that he shouldent know any more 
about his head after the dockter got through with it 
than he did then, and he said the last new bump felt 
bigger’n a door nob, but I told him it wasent near as 
big as a robbin’s egg, and finally we agreed to call it 
a wen if the dockter made any inquiries, and that set- 
tled the question. If he’d had a good thick head of 
hair it wouldent showed the least bit, but the hull top 
of his head was as smooth as a goose egg and if I 
happened to hit him with the broom or rollin’ pin, it 
raised up jest like the nots on a hemlock log. I 
thought the dockter must be either a single man or a 
fool, if he couldent tell what that bump stood for, and 
I told Hesekiah so when we was goin’ home ; but he 
said he thought he was the smartest dockter he ever 
see, ’cause he could even tell what folks was thinkin’ 
on by feelin’ his hands over their heads. I thought I’d 
’umor him a little, so I says, good-naturedly, “ What 
makes you think so, Hesekiah ? ” “ ’ Cause he says I’ve 
got more liope’n anybody, and that I exercised that 
fackulty more’n all the rest. That’s true, and I was 
exercisin’ it conciderable all the time he was a feelin’ 
of my head.” 

He acted so kinder clever I thought mebby he’d 
talk real nice and pleasant to me, jest as he used to 
when we was 1st marrid, if I’d only give him a little 
incourigement, so I spoke up real friendly, and says I ; 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


165 


u What was you hopin’ about, my dear ? ” 

“ I was hopin’ that you’d either die or quit hittin’ 
me over the head, and I don’t care much which ; and 
when the dockter was feelin’ of my head I was hopin’ 
that he wouldent find no broken bones stickin’ out, 
and that he’d handle my head dretful easy or I’d yell 

like an Alapacky injun, and I ” 

But he never told the rest. I gess that he thought 
from the looks of my countenance that he’d went too 
fur already, or else he was afraid another bump of 
hope mint cause a small funeral in the naberhood. 

As I was sayin’ before I interruptid myself. Most 
everybody in the car was readin’ only me, and I would 
been, only it hurt my eyes to read without glasses, and 
to tell the truth, I dident like to wear ’em before 
strangers. dSTot that I was ashamed of my age — for I 
think from 40 to 45 is a very respectable age — but 
Hesekiah ain’t none too stout, and if he should happen 
to drop away I’d be so ofile lonesum’, if I was old, and 
homely, and folks knew I had false teeth, and poor 
eyesight, so I bizzied myself watchin’ the landscape. 
The hull face of the country seemed to be composed 
mostly of what Mr. Oglesby called “ deep, rocky, 
spasms and towerin N monuments of God’s handiwork,” 
but to me it looked jest like any other ruff country. 
There was more’n a hundred acres of rocks piled up 
on one side of the road, and the next minnit there’ d 
be as many holes piled into a big heap on the other, 
and there must been conciderable scenery layin’ around 
there loose, ’cause everybody was lookin’ out of the 
winders and talkin’ about “the magnificent scenery.” 
Jest about the time Mr. Oglesby had talked me to 


166 MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 

sleep on the scenery question, a tall, red-headed woman 
cum down through the car, and when she got along by 
my seat she flopped herself down by Mr. Oglesby, and 
heavin’ out a sy as long as a hoe handle, she says to 
me : “La me! I’m clean tuckered out. How’s it with 
yew ? ” 

I never did take to red-headed folks very much, 
and besides that she’d kep’ movin’ her feet till she’d 
disturbed one of my crossest bunnions, so I ansered 
her middlin’ short, and, says I : 

“ I don’t know but what I’m doin’ as well as can 
be expectid.” 

“Yes. Like eneough, but yew see yew’ve got 
yewr husban’ and daughter along for company, while 
I’m all alone, and s’posin’ sumthin’ should happen tew 
these ’ere cars, what would I dew. Oh, dear, dear, 
dear. It makes me miserable to think of it,” says 
she, rollin’ up her eyes and groanin’ as if she and her 
dinner wasent on very friendly terms. 

“Well, I wouldent do it then if I was you,” says I, 
but she was so bizzy admirin’ the looks of my s’posed 
husbun’ that she dident anser, and I continued : 

“And besides that you air very much mistaken. 
That man hain’t my husbun’,” and I was jest goin’ to 
tell her how I’d left my poor Hesekiah to home, and 
that I’d met Mr. Oglesby and Lucindy on the road, 
but jest then the brakesman interruptid me with — 

“ Ogden. Change cars for San Francisco. 30 min- 
nits for supper!” and as she hurryed away, I heard 
her mutterin’ to herself : 

“ Hain’t marrid, eh ? Land sakes alive, who’d ever 
thought they wasent marrid.” 


CHAPTER XXII. 


PERPETUAL MOTION - ALMOST DISCOVERED — STRANGE IDEAS 

— A GOOD REMEDY EOR TROUBLESOME TENANTS — A 

MARRIAGE PROPOSAL — A VERY SUDDEN STOP — CHRIS- 
TIAN EORGIYENESS — A SLIGHT RESEMBLANCE — A 

SOMEWHAT LENGTHY DISCOURSE. 

Sumhow I’d never felt none like talkin’ over my 
family affairs with Mr. Oglesby, and even if I had, I 
don’t reckon I’d ever got the chance, for his tung was 
the nighest to perpetual motion of any thing I ever sot 
my two eyes on. After we left Ogden I seen that he 
was oneasy, and acted as if he had sumthin’ on his 
mind that dident set well. Finally he spoke up, and 
says he, “ Miss Hopkins, I’ve had a lot of strange idees 
runnin’ through my head all day, and I can’t git ’em 
out.” 

“Ho, I know you can’t, for they’re the hardest 
things to git red of that ever was. I ketched ’em once 
of Perkins’ es young’uns, and mother had the offiest 
time you ever seen. She used casteel soap, and borux, 
and ” 

“I — I — dident mean that” said he, turnin’ as red 
as a flannel petticoat. “ I ment that I’d been thinkin’ 
of sumthin’ all day.” 

“ Is that all f ” says I, jest as unconcerned as if he 
hadent made no blunder at all. 

“ Yes, that is all, but it’s everything to me . Oh, Miss 
Hopkins, you must have seen my secrit in my counte- 
nance,” says he, smilin’ till the top of his head looked 
lonesum. 


167 


168 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


“ I hain’t noticed nothin’ perticular only sinders 
and tobacker juice, but if you wasent always eatin’ 
cloves I could smell it on your breath,” says I, for I’m 
dretful plain spoken, and 1 thought by his actions that 
he’d been drinkin’ sumthin’ stronger’n alkaly water. 

“ Oh, Miss Hopkins ! Don’t jest over sich a serious 
subject. Let me know my fate at once and end this 
fearful expense, for the uncertainty is worse’n death.” 

“'Air you subject to sich spells ? ” says I, beginnin’ 
to git a trifle oneasy about his Aside condition. He 
shuck his head kinder sad, but that was all he said. 
“ Why don’t you go to sum good fortune teller ? They 
pretend to know all about fate, and the lucky planits,” 
says I, wonderin’ what could ail the man. 

“ Ho one, only you, could tell me what 1 want to 
know,” says he, seriously. 

“ Good land ! I couldent tell a blessid thing about 
it. How, Miss Stebbins was a regular weather profit, 
and she always told things by sines. If she looked at 
the new moon she could tell whether the garding sass 
would be good, and if the butter’d churn easy, and 
when to kill the hogs so’s the meat would last the 
longest; and she could tell when we wasgoin’ to have 
a spell of weather jest as good as any alminack. How, 
if she was here ” 

“ My hull happiness rests in your hands,” says he, 
grabbin’ holt of one of ’em and hangin’ to it like a 
blood houn’ to a run-away nigger. 

Then I seen what was rong with the man, and as 
soon as I could compose myself sufficiently (for the 
feelin’s of astonishment and indignation that was 
tearin’ ’round under my breast-bone like a dockter’s 


AKD HER TRAVELS. 


109 


perscription, completely paralized my usual energy), 
I looked ’im square into the eyes with a dretful with- 
erin’ look, and says I, “ What do you mean ? ” 

“ I mean that I — that is — I was about to remark 
that I — I ” 

“ Why don’t you say what you mean, and not set 
there blubberin’ and sputterin’ like a teakittle spout?” 
says I, interruptin’ him. 

“Well, I will. Miss Hopkins — Mahetible, Hove 
you. I do , honestly, and I hope you’ll consent to make 

me happy. Be my wife, my own dear ” 

“Stop, sir/’ says I, than’ a gaze onto him that 
would smashed one of them 3-leggfd telliscopes in a 
fotograff gallery in \ a 2nt, or looked a wild female 
tiger out of her countenance in \ that time ; and then 
says I, “ Air you crazy ? ” 

“ H-no, not egzactly, but I’m in love, and ” 

“And that amounts to pritty much the same thing,” 
says I, interruptin’ him. 

He dident make me no anser, and I sot there for 
as much as 3 minnits, wonderin’ whether I’d better 
make a coroner’s inquest out of him, or make him 
appologise for his meanness, and then forgive him like . 
a Christian. 

The good book tells us that we must forgive our 
enemies 10 times 7, but it don’t say nothin’ about for- 
givin’ our friends when they make a fool of themselves, 
and I dident know what to do. I never had so much 
anxiety on my mind since I had the big carbunkle on 
the back of my neck, and 8 harvest hands to cook for. 

I sot there “ completely buried in my own unhappy 
thoughts ” (as the novely writers say in their stories) 


170 


MAHETTBLE HOPKINS 


for as much as 2 minnits more, and then I put a resined 
expression onto my countenance ( jest as a man will to 
his mother-in-law’s funeral), and then I fixed my gaze 
onto Mr. Oglesby. I gess likely he mistrusted that 
sumthin’ was rong. Most anybody would , under the 
circumstances. He had a ^ smilin’ expression rivited 
onto his face that remindid me of Tige the time he 
cum home from Stebbins’es with an old tin kittle de- 
tached to his narative. He was only a little homely 
pup then and dident seem to have no better sence than 
to let folks impose on him, hut he seemed to realise 
when anybody insultid him, jest as well as any other 
dog, and he’d look as if he was goin’ to mortify right 
in his tracks. As he grew older he seemed to lose all 
his faith in human nature, and by the time he was \ 
grown anybody’ d thought he’d been studyin’ to be a 
lawyer, for he hadent no shame or principle left. 
To be sure, there wan’t sich a strikin’ family resem- 
blance between the 2, for Tige had a real sensible look 
out of his eyes that made him appear 1st rate well 
generally, but the time I was speakin’ about, he had 
jest sich a sneaky look on his face as Mr. Oglesby had 
when I 1st looked at ’im. 

We sot there glarin’ at each other like a couple of 
prize gladiators, for quite a spell, but when he com- 
menced to manufacture another one of them gripin’ 
smiles (that remindid me of a small boy in green apple 
time) I knew it was about time for me to act, so rizin’ 
upon my feet and dignity at the same time, I gazed 
down onto him as stern as a policeman, and in tones 
that would froze ice-cream without a freezer, or split 
potater tops in August, I exclaimed : 


AND HER TRAVELS. 171 

“Mr. Oglesby, was you aware that you was 
undressin’ a marrid woman?” 

He kinder wilted right down like one of them hot- 
house cabbige plants, when they’re 1st sot out in the 
sun, and then he stammered out — 

“H-no, Misses Hopkins, I wasent. ’Pon my word, 
I wasent. I took you to be a single woman, and you 
really can’t blame me for my mistake, for if there’s 
one thing that a man worships more’n he does a fast 
horse and a mersha’m pipe, it’s a butiful woman. You 
know you have charmin’ ways, agreeable manners, and 
a most angelick disposition, and how could a simple 
man like me resist the temptation ? ” 

As I’ve probably remarked before, I couldent 
never stand flattery, and when he begun to talk that 
way he completely upsot my stern demeanor, and so 

1 forgive him for everything, and I was sorry he 
hadent said more so’s I could forgive him for that , and 
we’d jest made up friends ag’in when Lucindy cum 
over to see what the matter was. 

“It was nothin’, daughter, nothin’ of any impor- 
tance, only my eyes was opened jest in time to save 
me from a most terrible fate,” says he, smilin’ upon 
her as only a proud father can, and then turnin’ to me 
he commenced tellin’ me of an old widder woman in 
Californy, by the name of Zoflicoffer, that I reminded 
him of so much. I sot and listened to her praises 
for — well, to make a careless estimate, I should say — 

2 hours and 3 quarters, and then I fell asleep, but the 
last I remembered he was still hangin’ to his subjeck 
like a red ant to a cracker crum. 


CHAPTER XXIII. 


A SNOW BLOCKADE ON THE DESERT — VERY ACCOMMODAT- 
ING — ACTING THE GOOD SAMARITAN — A VERY TEN- 
DER HEART — WAS IT DR. MARY WALKER, OR WHO? — 
FEMININE FOLLIES — (i A REAL YALLER CHINAMAN ” — 
SHE DID NOT FAINT, BUT, OH, DEAR! 

As usual, my rest wan’t very natural, ’cause my 
body was settin’ up as straight as a poker, and my head 
had been hangin’ down over the back of the seat till 
my back was almost relocated, but it dident seem as if 
I’d been asleep very long, when sumbody grabbed holt 
of me and give me sich a shake that it’s a grate wonder 
my false teeth dident fly out (for they’re middlin' loose 
and I most generally sleep with my mouth open), but 
they dident. I thought at 1st it was Mr. Oglesby 
wakin’ me up to hear sumthin’ more about the widder 
Zollicoffer, and if the j’ints of my neck hadent hurt me 
so bad, I shouldent paid no attention to the matter, 
but I opened my eyes jest in time to see the big fat 
woman — that sot acrost the alley way — makin’ prep- 
erations to grab me ag’in. 

“What’s the meanin’ of this riot?” says I, as I riz 
up kinder bewildered, and begun to look around to see 
if we was captured. 

“ Land sakes alive, dident you know we was in a 
snow blockade? ” says she, as important as if she was 
teliin’ me sum grate news. 

i cum pritty nigh teliin’ her that I dident see how 

m 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 173 

I should know, when I’d been asleep all the time, and 
would been yit, if she’d let me alone, but I’m real glad 
that I dident, ’cause she seemed like a real clever old 
soul, and it would have been a pitty to hurt her f eelin’s. 
Everybody had to go out to see what the matter was, 
and of course / went along with the rest, but it was as 
dark as a nigger’s pockit and I couldent see nothin’ but 
snow, and a dretful cold wind, when I did git out. 
The cars was a standin’ there about ’nee deep in snow, 
and the men — that is, sum of ’em — was runnin’ back 
and 4th with lanterns, and shovels, and different kinds 
of suggestions, while the rest, or the biggest part of 
’em, took turns at the shovelin’ and swearin’. If it 
hadent been for them familiar lookin’ telegraff poles I 
should felt a trifle oneasy for fear we’d lost the road, 
but when I seen them follerin’ us yit, I knew we was all 
right. I dident see as I could do any thing only git in 
the way and ketch the rumatiz, so I went back in the 
car and dried my overshoes (till the folks begun to 
grumble about the smell of burnt rubber) and then I 
went to sleep, and in spite of fat wimmen and deep 
snow, I slep’ undisturbed till mornin’. When I woke 
up I seen that we was to a station, and one of the 
worst lookin’ ones I had ever sot my two eyes on. I 
thought I’d seen sum mean lookin’ places since I’d left 
home, but the worst of ’em was “ summer residences 
on the Hudson ” compared to that place. 

Jest about the time I’d begun to wonder what they 
was waitin’ so long for, Mr. Oglesby cum in after 
Lucindy and I to go to breakfast. When I got outside 
and seen the train of cars we’d been ridin’, I felt sick, and 
I’ve wondered lots of times since, how I ever missed 


174 


MA1IETIBLE HOPKINS 


havin’ a regular spell of sum kind, for there stood them 
cars without a sine of an injine on either end, and 
another train standin’ jest bey end ourn was be-headed 
on both ends too. How, a train of cars without any 
injine hitched to ’em, is jest about the bob-tailedest 
lookin’ thing you ever sot your eyes on, and it made 
me shudder all over when I thought how I was riskin’ 
a valuable life on sich things as that, for there wasent 
nothin’ to gide ’em only a consumptive lookin’ brakes- 
man, and they was as liable to go right as rong. If 
my life hadent been insured I wouldent never trustid 
myself on ’em ag’in unless the injine was hitched on, 
and I told Mr. Oglesby so. 

“ Cars ain’t dangerous when the injines is off,” says 
he, smilin’ at what he took to be my ignorance. 

“ Oh, they hain’t, hey ? you probably never heard 
how a bare-headed train chased Paddy Miles and his 
injine the hull length of Echo canyon, and jest when 
he’d begun to think that it was time to pray, the cars 
that was chasin’ him jumped the track and shivered 
themselves into kindlin’ wood and tooth-picks,” says I 
real sarcastick. 

“ Yes, but that was on a down grade, and was an 
accident,” says he. 

“ Most all of the rail-road smash-ups air” says I, in 
tones as cold as a woman’s feet, and then we relaxed 
into silence, and I don’t know as it would been broke 
yit if I hadent heard him say to Lucindy : 

“ The place where we was detained last night was 
18 miles east of here on the bare plains, and I am so 
glad we succeedid in gettin’ to the station.” 

“ Land of Goshen, you don’t mean to say that we 


AHD HER TRAVELS. 


175 


cum all of that distance without an injine, do ye?” says 
I in a dretful earnest manner. 

“ Sertinly not, there’s another blockade between 
here and the next station, and they air usin’ the injines 
on the snow plows.” 

“Why don’t they use horses or oxen and let us 
have our own team,” says I, impatiently. 

“ Ten span of horses couldent pull one of them 
plows, and even if they could , we couldent go, cause 
there’s 10 foot of snow on the track ahead of us now.” 

“ Why don’t they shovel it off then ? Why I’ve seen 
it driftid level with the fences on out road, and a dozen 
good men and a team would clear it all out in J a fore- 
noon.” 

“ It’s entirely different here, for the grate sweep of 
wind acrost these bleak desert plains drifts it in, almost 
as fast as they can shovel it out. You’ve no idee what 
a serious thing a snow blockade is in these parts. I 
suppose, at the least calkerlation, there is from 50 to 
100 men shovelin’ all the time, and 2 or 3 large snow 
plows at work. The train that arriv’ yesterday even- 
in’ is here yit, and the conductor says we may be here 
to-morrow mornin’.” 

One large sized groan escaped me before I could 
calm myself, and then says I, “ Folks that will travil 
never ought to grumble, and I’ll try not to, but it does 
seem as if my punishment was greater’n I could bear.” 

When we was goin’ back to our bob-tailed resi- 
dence Mr. Oglesby stopped in a little bildin’ that 
had bottles in the winder, to git him a cigar and sum 
parched coffy; so I and Lu cindy walked on alone. 
Jest as I was goin’ to git in the car I noticed a poor 


176 MAHETEBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 

feller standin’ there that looked as if he was more’n 3 
quarters dead with the yaller janders. I knew that 
sassafrass and checker-weed, and sum kind of boten 
stuff (I can’t jest pronounce the name of it now, ’cause 
it’s sich a long one that it laps clean around one of 
them big glass jars in the drug stores, and I hain’t sure 
but it ties in a bow-not behind ; but I know it the min- 
nit I set my eyes on it, especially if I taste of it. It’s 
a kind of a seal brindle color and tastes jest like any- 
body wanted to die after they’d et sum of it), would 
help him if he’d take it regular, and as I always believe 
in helpin’ everybody only tramps, and doin’ all the 
good I can without discomodin’ myself, I made up my 
mind that I’d tell him how to fix that stuff so’s that it 
would cure him in no time. I fixed sum of it for Hes- 
ekiah, the time he had the janders, but it cum pritty 
nigh killin’ him with cramps in the stummuck. You 
see, I’d forgot jest how to proportion it. The boten 
stuff was so high-priced that I dident use nowhere 
nigh as much as I ought to, and the checker- weed was 
so thick down along the river bank, that I used too much 
of that, and it sort of over-balanced the rest of the 
medicine, and made him look dretful sick for a little 
while. I put mustard plasters and hot drops on his 
stummuck, and along towards mornin’ I got so’s I 
could straighten him out a little, but it was all of a 
week before he got real strong ag’in. He never was 
bothered with the janders any more, but from that day 
to this, I never could git him to taste another drop of 
home’ade medicine. That shows jest how ongrateful 
he was , after I’d cured him of the janders ; and once, 
when he was mad, he twitted me of tryin’ to pizen 




178 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


him. Dr. Pillbox told sum of the nabers that if Hese- 
kiah haclent had the strongest constitution in the 
world, that it would killed him, but I know better. 
He dident seem to complain of a pain anywheres only 
right in the pit of his stummuck, and it’s a mistery to 
me how it ever staid there as long as it did, when the 
poor man was tryin’ so hard to throw it up. 

Well, as 1 was sayin’. My heart was always as soft 
as a rotten punkin, or a young man’s head that parts 
his hair in the middle and wears plad clothes, and I 
felt as if I must do somethin’ for the poor man, if it 
wan’t no more than to offer him that reseat, and 
caution him about mixin’ it so’s he’d live after he took 
it ; so I stepped up to him as familyar as if he was 
sum of Hesekiah’s relation, and says I : 

“You look like you was dretfully bothered with 

the janders, and if you air , I can ” but I forgot 

what else I was goin’ to say, for when it turned ’round 
towards me, I seen it wan’t no man , whatever it was. 
At 1st I thought mebby it was Dr. Mary Walker, 
’cause I seen that it wore kinder loose-fittin’ clothes, 
especially the trowse’s round the bottom, and I was 
jest goin’ to appologise for undressin’ her without an 
introduction (for I’ve heard she was dretfully sot ag’in 
all kinds of familiarity) but when she turned round 
so’s I could git a good look at her face and figger, I 
knew it couldent be her , unless she’d changed terrible 
fast since I’d seen ’er. I never was no grate admirer 
of Dr. Mary’s stile of buty anyway (for there was 
always so much mistery and nuter gender about it, 
and besides that, Hesekiah was a dretful jealous dis- 
position, and I was afraid to talk about her very much 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


179 


for fear he’d be gittin’ mad about it) but it dident 
seem to me that she could ever live long eneough to 
git so billious lookin’ and homely as that poor critter 
did. I’ve seen wimmen draw up their corsit strings 
till they dident look bigger ’round the waist than a 
yaller-jackit wasp, and they couldent draw a breath 
more’n -J- an inch long if the house was afire ; I’ve seen 
’em squeeze a foot every bit as big as mine (I generally 
wear 6’s) into a No. 3 shoe, and when every toe was 
covered with corns and akin’ worse’n the toothache, 
they’d declare they was “ever so much too large”; 
I’ve seen ’em whitewashin’ their faces, and dobbin’ 
magenty on their cheeks, and injy ink on their eye- 
brows, till their face looked like a clothin’-house 
dummy, and their neck looked as brown as a poor 
little orfan; I’ve seen ’em combin’ their front hair 
down into their eyes till they looked like a billy goat 
or a poodle dog, but this was the 1st. woman I’d ever 
seen that braided her back hair so tite that it drawed 
her eyes slantin’-ways acrost her countenance. She 
wore a black silk smokin’-cap on her head that was as 
much as 2 sizes too small for her, and a pair of 2-story 
slippers that looked like a flat-bottomed canoe. Her 
walkin’ skirt was cut middlin’ long-waisted, especially 
’round the bottom, and was trimmed up with a hem, 
and reminded me of Hesekiah’s blue cotton overalls. 

She dident anser me the 1st time I spoke, and I 
thought she was a trifle hard of hearin’, so I stepped 
up a little closter (for I dident mind bein’ a little 
familiar with a woman) and puttin’ my arm ’round her 
neck and pullin’ her ear up dost to me, I inquired, as 
loud as I handily could without hollerin’ — 


180 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


“Is it the liver complaint or the janders that’s 
troublin’ you?” 

“ What foa ? Me no savey glanders. Me no likee. 
Melican woman too muchee allee time talk,” it snarled 
out, jest as spiteful as a human bein’. 

I never faintid away in my hull life, and I gess it’s 
safe eneough to reckon that I never will, when I passed 
through that trial without forgittin’ who I was. I 
dident know what kind of a wild animal I had 
incountered. It mint be as harmless as a June bug, 
and it mint cum at me any minnit with its mouth 
open and its eyes spittin’ fire, but I was helpless if it 
did. For once my tung refused to wag, and every last 
one of my nerves struck for higher wages. I could 
feel the cold sweat usin out of my sistem by the buckit 
full, and my ’nees -felt as weak and wobbly as an old 
saw-buck, but deliverance cum at last, and when Mr. 
Oglesby had insistid me into the car, I looked upon 
him as my life preserver. I calkerlated to ask Mr. 
Oglesby what it was , but Lucindy saved me the trouble 
by remarkin : 

“ Paw, I’ll bet that feller’s got the yaller fever.” 

“What makes you think so, daughter?” says Mr. 
Oglesby, smilin’. 

“ ’Cause he looks jest as Phil Gibbins’es hired man 
did the time he had it.” 

When I seen her a pintin’ at that very thing that 
I’d had my arm round, I felt as if my heart was goin’ 
to stop heatin’, for I’d often hearn that the yaller fever 
was jest as ketchin’ as the measles, or the horse dis- 
temper, or any of them corageous diseases, and I was 
so easy to ketch every thing (only pigs and chickins 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


181 


and anything that required exercise and dimin’ fences) 
that it seemed as if I could feel the simptoms takin’ 
hold of my vitals already. 

When Mr. Oglesby says, “ Why, daughter, that’s a 
Chinaman — you’ll see thousands of ’em in Californy,” 
I breathed a breath of relief that was as much as a foot 
and a % long, for I was so glad to find out that the 
brute wasent ketchin’, and besides that , I was so thank- 
ful to think I hadent exposed my ignerance by askin’ 
any questions, but my curiosity was fully satisfide on 
the Chinese question. 


CHAPTER XXIV. 


AN UNPLEASANT DELAY — A CALL ON THE CHINAMAN'S 
WIPE — VERY ACCOMMODATING PEOPLE — VISITING 
AMONG THE PASSENGERS — A COOL RECEPTION — 
“ SICH A UNSOCIABLE CROWD ” — THE WIFE OF THREE 
LIVING HUSBANDS, “OH!” — THE ABRUPT ENDING OF 
THE ACQUAINTANCE — MORE ABOUT THE MORMON 
BELIEF — NOT CONVERTED BY ANY MEANS. 

Anybody mint as well be shet up in the asilum, as 
to be captured by a snow-blockade. All we could see 
was snow, and desolation, and 2 trains full of oneasy 
passengers, and snow-plows (as big as a summer kitchen, 
haulin’ them big injines around by the nose), and about 
a hundred Chinamen, or else I seen the same one a 
hundred times. I don’t see how their own mothers 
could ever tell ’em apart, for they all look as much like 
twins as a bushel of white beans, and every last one of 
’em is named “ John.” The 2d day we was there our 
prospect for stayin’ till spring was jest as favorable as 
it was the day before, so we went over to the China- 
man’s house to see how the wimmen folks looked, but 
the one that was gittin’ dinner looked jest as slouchy 
as the men did, and wore her hair and clothes in the 
same stile. The only way we could tell her from the 
rest of the men, was ’cause she had her sleeves rolled 
up, and had a dirty butcher’s apron tide ’round her to 
keep the nees of her pan — dress clean. Her name was 
J6hn too. They all seemed to be dutch or sum other 

183 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 183 

form’ nation, for I couldent understand the 1st word 
they was sayin’ when they was talkin’ to each other, 
and only now and then a word when they was talkin’ 
to us. The woman of the house wan’t no where’s nigh 
as handsum as 4-paws 10 thousand dollar buty, and 
without egzaduratin’ the matter a bit she was the 
nastyest housekeeper I ever sot my 2 eyes on. She 
offered us a soap box for a chair, but I was afraid to 
set down on it, for fear I’d stick right there, and the 
train would go on and leave me. They never asked us 
to eat dinner, but I wouldent et anything if they had c 
’cause it dident smell healthy. They dident have 
nothin’ only rice, and tea, and sum kind of thick soup 
that smelt like a limburger cheese fact’ry that had 
been dead all summer, and they was tryin’ to eat it 
with a couple of wooden nittin needles. Mr. Oglesby 
said they was “ chop sticks,” but they looked to me 
more like they’d been whittled out. I felt real sorry 
for the poor homely critters when I seen ’em chasin’ 
chunks of that mortifide soup round the bowl with 
them sticks, ’cause I thought likely they’d either lent 
their knives, and forks, and spoons to the nabers, and 
they wasent through with ’em, or else they hadent got 
any, and in either case they was deservin’ of sympathy. 

The 3rd day we got so tired settin’ in them cars 
that the wimmen most all went a visitin’ and the men 
sot around and swore about the snow, and the whiskey, 
and the flour givin’ out, and the hotel keeper chargin’ 
us a dollar for a 25 cent meal, and the Mormons, and 
Utah, and politicks, and everything else. Sum of the 
wimmen got real friendly, and they seemed to enjoy 
gossipin’ jest as well as if they was near nabers, or 


184 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


members of the same sowin’ society. Of course they 
couldent rake over each other’s earacter, but they could 
make fun of their bunnits, and say they “ never seen 
sich hateful actin’ young’uns,” jest as well as if they’d 
known each other all their lives. I s’pose I’d gaddid 
’round and gossiped as much as any of ’em, if I hadent 
got disgustid with it, right on the start. I dident want 
" to go in the 1st place, but Lucindy got it into her head 
that she wanted to go into sum of the other cars and 
see if the rest of the folks felt as miserable as we did, 
and nothin’ would do but I must go along. I dident 
calkerlate to go into none of the common lookin’ cars 
(for I had a reputation at the stake, and I should blush 
with shame if Ilesekiah ever went to Congress, to have 
it throwed in his face how he wore night shirts made 
out of flour sacks, and I visited in shabby lookin’ cars 
durin’ the snow blockade), so I picked out one that they 
called a “ pallice car,” and we went in. It was fixed 
up as stilish as a front parlor, and there was lace tidys 
on the chair quishons, and the fancyest fixin’s I ever 
seen all ’round everywhere. The wimmen folks was 
all dressed up to match the car, but I must say they 
was the ignerantest actin’ lot of folks I ever see in a 
crowd. 'I spoke to 2 or 3 of ’em real friendly, but they 
wouldent say very much, only smile, and sum of ’em 
wouldent even do that. The hull car was as silent as a 
graveyard in January ; in fact, the silence was so thick 
a body could cut chunks oif’n the corners and kept ’em 
for relicks, but I dident want nothin’ to help me re- 
member that crowd. I believe one of the wimmen did 
make the remark that they hadent got along very fast 
in the last three days, but she was dressed more like 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


185 


common folks, and looked like she’d got into the ’rong 
car by mistake. One young woman that had her face 
painted up till she looked like Barnum’s best clown, 
and her hair frizzled till her head would made a nice 
soft dustin’ brush for the pianer, giggled at us as if we 
was a travillin’ show givin’ out samples of our exhibi- 
tion, and I heard her sayin’ to the feller that had his 
arm ’round her, and acted as if he’d be willin’ to live 
with her folks the rest of his life : 

“ Oh, G-worge ! arrent they weally loffable ? ” 

They all acted like they had the rumatis or else 
they’d ketched cold and it had settled in the cords of 
their necks, and it seemed like they couldent move ’em 
very easy, and when they did turn ’em an inch or 2, 
the expression on their face told plainer’n words could 
that it hurt ’em offle. 

I seen one poor woman settin’ in one of the chairs, 
with no company only a diamon’ ring and a watch 
chain, and she looked so kinder sad and sorry about it 
that I felt as if it was my duty to cheer her up, so I 
reached out my hand (and if I did have on a cheap 
cotton glove, my attentions was friendly) and says I : 

“ Good mornin’. How’s all of your folks gittin’ 
along?” 

Mebby she dident hear me and mebby she did , but 
she never took no more notice of my hand than if it 
had been a contribution box. She jest give her shoul- 
ders a hitch as if her corsits was too tite to feel com- 
fortable, and that was all she did do, only to look 
spiteful. I dident blame her for gittin’ mad if she had 
anything to git- mad for, but I dident like the idee of 
her treatin’ me as if I was a book agent or a litnin’ 


186 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


rod peddler. I was mad too, and I thought I’d let 
them know that they’d been “ entertainin’ an angel on 
wires” (or sum sich a fraze as that), and that they 
hadent done the subject the justice it demandid, so, as 
I went out of the door I says, in tones loud eneough 
for ’em all to hear : 

“ I never seen sich an ignerant set in my life, unless 
it was in the hog department at a country fair.” 

“ Yes ; but hogs has got manners eneough to grunt 
when you speak to ’em,” says Lucindy, as she shet the 
door kinder spiteful and follered me and my frost-bit 
aspirations into our own car, and as I leaned back agin 
the raggid quishons I says to myself, “ Be it ever so 
humble there’s no place like home.” 

The rest of the time we “ received calls ” like fash- 
ionable city folks on new years, but we dident have 
no cake, nor a bottle of stuff to give folks the headake 
and put a billious taste in their mouth the next 
mornin’, but we more’n made it up in hospitality. 

The 1st caller we had was a grate big fat woman 
(I should judge that she’d way as much as 10 pounds 
more’n I would) who cum waddlin’ in, and when she 
got along by my seat she stopped, and says she : 

“ Dear suz, but I’m tired ! Do you know that I’ve 
been callin’ all this afternoon. I’ve been in every 
single car, and I’ve had sich a nice visit, I thought 
I must cum in and see how you was all gittin’ along 
in here.” 

“ That’s right. I’m glad you did. Won’t you set 
down and rest a spell?” says I, as soon as I brushed 
the peanut shells and oringe peelin’s off’n the seat. 

“ I don’t know but I may as well set down a while, 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


187 


for I hain’t got nothin’ else to do, and there’s no 
knowin’ how long we’ve got to stay here.” 

I liked her 1st rate well till she begun to praise 
up them dirty mormons, and then she upsot the good 
impression she’d made on me quicker’n a kickin’ cow’ll 
upset a pail of milk and a hired man (ennybody that’s 
ever lived on a farm ’ll remember jest how quick that's 
done). She startid to tell me how she was a mormon 
herself, and that she was the 3rd and favorite wife of 
her husband, but I interrupted her by inquirin’: “ How 
long has the other 2 been dead ?” 

“ They hain’t dead,” exclaimed the bold faced old 
huzzy. 

“Hain’t dead!" I repeated, in astonishment. 

“Oh, no. We’re all livin’,” says she, as bold as a 
brass kittle. 

If there’d been anybody else in the car only me 
and her, and Lucindy, and Miss Brown, and another 
old feller that was asleep in the further end of the 
car, I should riz right up on my dignity, and told her 
I dident want to associate with her no longer ; but as 
there wasent nobody there I thought I’d find out all I 
could , for I always thought a mormon would be as much 
of a curiosity as one of Barnum’s baby ellifants. I cum 
pritty nigh seein’ “ Ann Elizy ” once, when she was on 
her lecture tower, and I was always disapointed to 
think I dident. You see, Miss Stebbins had a season 
ticket and the toothake, so she couldent go, and she 
offered to let us take their ticket. Hesekiah was 
opposed to it at 1st, but Stebbins said he’d learn a 
good deal that mint cum handy in case he ever wanted 
to jine ’em; then he seemed to change his mind, but I 


188 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


couldent hear what he said, ’cause Sammy hit Henry 
Clay over the head with a tin horse jest then, but 
when Hesekiah said he “gessed we’d go,” I told him I 
gessed we wouldent , and that’s why I dident see “ Ann 
Elizy.” 

He was as mad as a hornet because I wouldent let 
him go when it wasent costin’ us nothin’, but I told 
him I’d ruther he’d be mad for 6 months than to 
have him hear anything demoralisin’, but, as I was 
sayin’, I turned towards the fat woman, and, says I : 

“How, look here. S’pose’n your husbun’ should 
take it into his head to marry another favorit’ — say 
me , for instance — what would you do about it ? ” 

A sy as long as my arm was my only anser, and I 
continued : 

“ Could you, would you accept me into the bosom 
of your intire family in peace and hominy? Would 
you love me as a twin wife ought to and feel that I 
was ” 

“We should accept it as the will of Providence,” 
she interruptid, nervously, as if she dident like to 
harbor sich unpleasant thoughts. 

“Well, mebby you would, but I’ll jest bet it would 
be as good as a sircuss to see a husbun’ of mine under- 
take it, even if I was a mormon. If he did , I’ll bet 
10 cents that the coroner that sot on his remains would 
have to take out a search warrant to find eneough of 
him to set on, and he’d had to be smarter’n the gen- 
eral run of coroners to told whether the remains had 
died from unknown causes, or been run through a 
shingle mill,” says I, triumphantly. 


AHD HER TRAVELS. 


189 


“ But, my good woman, you’d bury all sich selfish 

thoughts, if you was a mormon, and ” 

“Yes, I would , and I’d bury the 2d and 3d wives 
right along with ’em.” 

“You wouldent feel that way if you was a mor- 
mon. You see, our hearts air soft ” 

“And your heads must be, too , if you allow sich 
goin’s on as that , without makin’ a fuss that would end 

in a funeral, and ” but my mormon acquaintance 

had vanished like a poit’s dream in muskeeter time. 


CHAPTER XXV. 

STARTED AT LAST — ALKALI WATER AS A BEVERAGE — 
LARGE NAMES FOR SMALL PLACES — THE CITY OF 
HUMBOLDT, NEVADA — AN EXCELLENT NEIGHBORHOOD 
— THE SAGE BRUSH HUMBUG — THE SIERRA NEVADA 
MOUNTAINS — ROUNDING (< CAPE HORN ” — TWO THOU- 
SAND FIVE HUNDRED FEET IN THE AIR, WHEW ! 

The next day they hitched a span of injines to each 
train, and in a few minnits after that we was movin , 
out of the miserable little town of “ Toano,” that had 
been a sort of a prison to us for 4 terrible long days. 
I dident expect we’d git along very fast, ’cause they 
hit^ & on them poor tired injines that had been 
breakin’ roads, and chasin’ snow plows up and down 
the track for 4 days and nights, but after they once 
got startid I dident see but what they jogged along 
jest as lively as if they’d been standin’ in the stable all 
the time. I was glad to see the other train startin’ out 
ahead, 'cause I always like to be in the hind load, 
especially if the roads is bad, but I dident like the idee 
of 2 or 3 loose injines follerin’ us quite as close as they 
did, ’cause they looked so kinder nervous. The grate 
snow wall that had kep’ us prisoners so long, dident 
look like it amountid to very much after all, for we 
wan’t more ’n \ or 3-quarters of an hour goin’ clean 
through it. There wasent only one place where we 
couldent see out over the top, and that was from 
where the shovellin’ commenced till we got past where 
the injines and 2 snow plows got tired when they 1st 

190 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 


191 


commenced work on the other end of the snow storm. 
The injine was standin’ on the middle of its back, 
with sum of the wheels stickin’ up in the air and the 
rest of ’em layin’ ’round kinder careless, and the snow 
plows was both standin’ on their heads. Mr. Oglesby 
told Lucindv they was “ recked,” but any sensible 
person could see that nothin’ ailed ’em only they was 
upsot. The next mornin’ when I woke up we was 
almost to Humbolt, where Mr. Oglesby said we would 
git breakfast and a nice drink of good water. T was 
glad to hear that, for I’d been drinkin’ alkaly water 
till it tastid like I dident never want to see no more of 
it. Alkaly water may be better ’n no water at all, 
’cause it’s wet, and it tastes eneough like a drug-store 
to be real healthy, but it tastes a little too lonesum’ 
for anybody to hanker after it for a stiddy drink, and 
after I’d drunk it in tea and milk for 3 days, it made 
me feel homesick when I seen ’em lettin’ down the tin 
nursin’ bottle to water the injine. 

Another strange thing I’ve noticed all along the 
way is the big names they call the little places. It 
made me think of Miss Stebbins namin’ her babies. 
She’d git a name big eneough for a pinnin’ blankit for 
’em, and she’d have to tuck the ends under so they 
wouldent tumble over ’em when they cum to run alone. 
Now, there’s “Rose Creek,” and “Raspberry,” and 
“ Rye Patch,” and all sich places, and 1 don’t believe 
anybody could found what they was named after if 
they’d had a search warrant and a 20-dollar micro- 
scope. And then there’s Humbolt. You mint as well 
name our old house Hopkinsville, for there wasent 
nothin’ there to name only a micllin’ nice house and 


192 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


sum barns and shade trees. Mr. and Miss Humbolt and 
the girls was real pleasant actin’, folks, and they got 
up a 1st rate meal of vittles, but how they done it was 
a mistery to me, for of all the lonesum, out-of-the-way 
places, that was the worst I went out front side of the 
house and looked jest as fur as I could in every direc- 
tion, to see how nigh their nabers was, but there wan’t 
nothin’ only level ground and tellegraff poles, and the 
railroad track and sage brush, clean up to where the 
ground was fastened onto the sky. 

When Stebbins’es folks used to bother me so with 
their constant borrerin’, I used to tell Hesekiah I 
wished we lived a hundred miles from anywhere, so’s 
I wouldent be pestered with lendin’ sugar, and corn- 
meal, and tooth-brushes, and tea, and saleratus, and 
black thread, and a thousan’ other things that near 
nabers always want to borrow, but when I seen how 
lonesum sich a place looked, I thought I’d ruther be 
bothered jest a little bit than to own a big farm in 
sich a quiet naberhood. 

Miss Humbolt had a real nice place though, with a 
fish pond in the door yard and another on the front 
door steps. Mr. Oglesby said it was “ a founting,” but 
I don’t know whether that was what ailed it or not, 
but I know the pipes was burstid and the water was 
spirtin’ up higher’n my head, but Miss Humbolt said 
they was goin’ to have ’em fixed. They had the nicest 
lot of shade trees sot ’round the house and yard that 
I’d seen since we left JSTebrasky, and Mr. Oglesby 
tried to make me believe they was “ a rarity,” but I 
told him he couldent fool me, for I’d seen popular trees 
before I ever left home. Bein’ deprived of nabers the 


AHD HER TRAVELS. 


193 


way they was I knew they dident have no chance to 
find ont nothin’, so I told ’em that the war was all over, 
and that Linkun had been murdered, and that the Duke 
of Texas had been over to this country on a visit, and 
that Kelly Grant was marrid and got a new family, 
and that they was still sacrifisin’ good men on the 
Korth Pole excitement, and you can’t imagine how 
tickled they was over the inflamation. I should told 
’em lots more that would probably been real interrestin’, 
if the conductor hadent been in sich a hurry, but I 
made him wait while I shuck hands with Miss Hum- 
bolt and promised to send her sum winter squash seeds 
and a patern of my “ rocky road to Dublin ” quilt, and 
jest as I’d got onto the car steps, the conductor waved 
his arms and sot the train in motion, but he startid it 
real &asy, so’s I’d have time to git to my seat before 
the cars begun to stagger much. 

There wan’t nothin’ to be seen all that day only 
desert and sage brush, and right here let me say — that’s 
c mother humbug on the American people. When Mr. 
Oglesby 1st drawed my intention to it, I says to him: 

“ I wish you’d go out and gether me a hull passle 
of it, for sage is the best thing in the world to make 
sage tea, and season sassige, and ” 

“ But this is wild sage and it ain’t good for cookin’ 
purposes,” he interruptid. 

“Wild or tame — I want sum of it,” says I, decid- 
edly, for I seen that he was calculatin’ to shirk out of 
gittin’ it. I thought while he was getherin’ it that I’d 
have him git a hull armf ull every time the cars stopped 
and I could pick off the leaves and dry ’em when I got 
to Lucindy’s, but as soon as he got into the cars, with 
13 


194 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


as much as 2 bushel of the stuff, I seen that it wan’t 
sage, nor nothin’ like it. It tasted more like burdoak 
leaves or wormwood, and it was the worst smellin’ veg- 
etable I ever cum acrost in my life. Whew ! I can 
smell* that sage jest as plain as if it was under my 
nose this minnit, and I’m sure I hain’t got sich a very 
powerful imagination either. In the words of the 
poit : 

“ You may break, you may shatter the ground if you will, 

But the scent of the sage brush will cling to it still.” 

Along in the afternoon I begun to notice more 
timber along the road, and it was like meetin’ an old 
naber to see tall pines once more, for — with the ex- 
ception of one tree that was sot out for a mile-stone, 
to show that we was a thousan’ miles from Omaha — 
I hadent noticed a pine tree bigger’n a blackberry 
bush since we left sum place in Canidy, or sumwhere 
else where they was sot out for shade trees in the door 
yard, but I don’t like to be too positive about sich 
things, ’cause sumtimes the best of us will git mis- 
taken, and I’ve always bore sich a good reputation for 
“ truth and voracity ” that I don’t want to risk losin’ 
it on sich small matters as that. 

When we got to Truckee it looked like we’d got 
right into the middle of a dretful hard winter, for the 
snow was so deep that we couldent see much only the 
tops of the houses, and they was all covered up with 
snow. Mr. Oglesby said that the snow was from 5 to 
50 feet deep in that vicinity, and I must admit, it was 
the sensible’ st lookin’ remark he’d made since we left 
Omaha. 


AND HER TRAVELS, 


195 


I couldent see very much of the Sierry Yevady 
mountains, ’cause the cars was runnin’ through sum 
kind of an old bildin’ most all the afternoon, and it 
was the longest bildin’ I ever see, and it had closits in 
it as dark as a cloudid reputation. Mr. Oglesby said 
they was “ snow sheds and tunnels,” and I dident dis- 
pute him, but what anybody would want to go out 
there in the woods and bild sheds and tunnels 25 or 30 
miles long, when they hain’t benefitin’ nobody, is what 
bothers me. I’d been grumblin’ considerable because 
we couldent see nothin’ only the inside ribs of them 
snow-excluders, and the midnight color of the tunnels, 
but jest before we got to Colfax, and — as the story 
papers say — “when the last rays of the settin’ sun 
was turnin’ the western skies into a sea of crimson, 
and gildin’ the mount’in tops with gold ” — (but in our 
language it was jest about sundown or a trifle after) 
when the conductor cum through the car and says he, 
p’intin’ his finger towards the right hand winders : 

“You’re goin’ to see sumthin’ worth lookin’ at 
now.” 

Of course I looked; if I hadent, I wouldent had 
nothin’ to told you about the place. At 1st I dident 
see nothin’ only rocks, and trees, and mountins (for 
we’d left most of the snow piled up in and around 
Truckee) but in a minnit we cum out from behind a pile 
of rocks and then I begun to feel as if “American 
grandure ” (that’s what one of the wimmen called it) 
was goin’ to be almost too much for my nerves. I felt 
sumthin’ as I did the time I gazed down onto the 
country surroundin’ Suspension bridge, only I felt a 
little more worse. In about a minnit and a i (by the 


196 MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 

watch, but 3 long hours by my sufferin’ feelin’s) the 
cars stopped, and I looked out to see what they’d 
stopped for. 

Grate seezer ! What a sight for a nervous woman 
to fasten her gaze onto. There we was stickin’ onto 
the side of a rocky bluff that was as steep up and 
down as the letter A, and I don’t know but what it was 
a little steeper’n that ; and there wasent nothin’ under 
us only the track, and that was so narrer that it looked 
as if the cars was hangin’ over the ages. The pine 
trees way down towards the bottom dident look more’n 
nee high, and the little stream of water that looked 
about as big as a shoe-string was the American river 
(the one this country was named after, I s’ pose, though 
I dident hear Mr. Oglesby say so). It looked like a 
dretful young river, but when the conducter told us 
that we was gittin’ a bird’s-eye view of it, and that 
the river was 2,500 feet below us, I felt sick and 
thought I’d crawl off sumwheres and die. It dident 
look like them cars had any more chance to stick to 
the side of that hill than a house fly climin’ up a 
lookin’ glass; but they stuck, and when I got calm 
eneough to look back and see where we’d cum, 1 felt as 
if there was 2 almost impossable barriers between me’n 
Hesekiah ; and it made my nees feel dizzy when I 
thought of it. 

Now, as I’ve said before, more’n •§ of the things 
anybody hears tell on, and the biggest part of what 
you see, is humbugs, but them 2 air bonfired realities 
(if there is any sich things in this world of deception 
and bank failures), and when a person sets their eyes 
on ’em once, they’ll be apt to remember that they’ve 



BOUNDING “CAPE HOBN.” 


198 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


seen ’em, longer than they would the catekism or the 
10 commandments. When we got kinder quieted down 
ag’in, Mr. Oglesby spoke up and says he : 

“How did you enjoy roundin’ Cape Horn?” 

“ I never went ’round Cape Horn. I think I told 
you once that I never was out of Ameriky but once , 
and that was the time I went to Vermont with Uncle 
Rube and Aunt Haney, and I was too small to remem- 
ber much about that, but any child knows that Cape 
Horn is clean down on the lower end of the world,” 
said I, sternly. He laffed as if I’d said sumthin’ dretful 
funny, and then he said “ Cape Horn ” was the name 
of the mount’in we’d jest dim over. Mebby it was , but 
I’d as quick think that’s the way he took to git out of it 
when he seen that I knew sumthin’ of the world myself. 
I felt so exhaustid that I laid down and took a little 
nap, and I s’pose likely I’d slept till mornin’ if there 
hadent been so much draft in the cars that it woke me 
up. I thought likely Lucindy’d got the winder open, 
and I riz up calkerlatin’ to give her a good talkin’ to 
for havin’ her head out in the night air, especially in a 
strange place, but when I riz up I seen most everybody 
had their winders up, and their heads sti ekin’ out, and 
when I heard ’em sayin’ : 

“Ain’t this lovely?” “Isent it delicious?” And 
one honest old farmer jest acrost the passige-way, says 
to himself as he hailed in his head: “Well, I do be 
durned,” I thought it must be sumthin’ different, and 
when Mr. Oglesby offered to open the winder I dident 
object. 

The cars was jest arrivin’ at a station, but it was 
so dark I couldent see nothin’ only the street lamps, 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


199 


and not more’n 5 or 6 of them, but the air smelt as 
warm and pleasant as the middle of May, and when 
the cars stopped I could hear the little frogs singin’ 
base jest as happy as if it was in the spring o’ the 
year. After I’d sot there for as much as 2 minnits 
listenin’ to the frogs, and wonderin’ what made it so 
warm and nice, Mr. Oglesby spoke up, and says he : 

“ Welcum to Calif orny. The land of sunny skies 
and perpetual summer, where the fields air always 
green; where the live oak and laurel never fade, 
where the roses air in constant bloom, and ” 

“ Oringes, only 2 bits a dozen,” calls out a voice 
under our winder, and then I et oringes for an hour, 
and listened to praises of Californy for about 2 hours 
more, and then I dropped off into consciousness. The 
last I remember was hearin’ about big squashes and 
early cucumbers, and cheap Chinese labor, and other 
garding sass ; and the next thing I knew it was broad 
daylight, and we was in sight of Oakland. 


CHAPTER XXVI. 


GREEN FIELDS IK FEBRUARY — A NEW WAY OF CHANG- 
ING CARS — A MODEL DEPOT, BUT A POOR LOCATION — 
THE SIGNAL OF DISTRESS — THE SHIPWRECKED PASSEN- 
GERS — A VIEW OF SAN FRANCISCO BAY — CAPTURED BY 
PIRATES — A DESPERATE RESOLVE. 

Pve often heard Ed Frisby’s wife say that Oakland 
was the hansumest place she ever seen, so when I heard 
one of the wimmen say, “ This is Oakland, isent it ? ” 
I h’istid right np, hut when I opened the winder, I 
couldent hardly believe my own eyes. It looked more 
like May than any February I’d ever seen, for the 
grass was green, and little yaller buttercups was 
sprinkled round as thick as dandylions in May. When 
1 looked out on Lucindy’s side to see if it looked as 
hansum there, I noticed that we was ridin’ alongside 
of the oshun or sum other big stream of water. Jest 
then the brakesman called out “ Oakland, change cars 
for San Francisco,” and before I had time to see any- 
thing of Oakland (only a few nice houses sot way back 
in the shade — yes, shade was what I said, for the live 
oak trees are always covered with shade the year 
round— and ivy plants runnin’ all over the fences), we 
was runnin’ onto a big bridge that was completely 
covered with folks and railroad tracks. Mr. Oglesby 
cum in soon after that and said we was goin’ to 
“ change cars for the last time.” I thought it was a 
funny place to change cars in the middle of a bridge, 
but I thought probably the cars knew their own bisi- 

200 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 


201 


ness, so I held onto my tung and grip sack. In a min- 
nit more, the cars had stopped and everybody was 
crowdin’ and pushin’ to git off 1st. We got out in one 
of them covered bildin’s (where the cars run right into 
the house), and we follered along with the crowd, till 
we cum to a high pickit fence, with a gate in the mid- 
dle of it that was as big as a barn door, and we had to 
wait there till the man with brass buttons on his coat 
opened the gate, and when he did , we all rushed 
through, like a flock of sheep through the rong pair of 
bars. I thought I could hear the water swishin’ under 
the floor, but I wouldent ask no questions, cause if I 
did , Mr. Oglesby would probably informed me that 
we was in “Noer’s Ark” or sumthin’ as onreasonable 
as that. 

The next thing I knew, the gate flew open and we 
was crowdid right through the bildin’ and up a narrer 
pair of stairs that twisted round like the stripes on a 
barber-pole and had a brass stair-carpet nailed on the 
steps, and then we went into the nicest little settin’- 
room I ever see in a depo. The floor was carpited 
with fancy-lookin’ parlor carpit, and the seats was 
quishoned with red velvet, and the walls was covered 
with pickters, and big lookin’-glasses on one side and 
a grate big bay winder on the other that reached more’n 
i way round the room. There was a porch runnin’ 
clean round the bildin’, and the door-yard fence was 
all fancy lattice-work, but it seemed like there was a 
dretful sight of water all round. Lucindy took one of 
the big arm-chairs and went to chawin’ gum, and I 
took the other and went to wonderin’ what made ’em 
bild a depo where the 1st spring f reshit was liable to 


MAIIETIBLE HOPKINS 


202 

wash out the underpinning and then the 1 ull thing 
would be a dead loss to sumbody. 

Jest then the bell down in the kitchen was rung a 
couple of times, and while I was wonderin’ if they 
hadent only jest got their breakfast, there cum one of 
the offlist screeches anybody ever heard out of them 
injines. It was one of them regular blood-curdilin’ 
kind (that the story-papers tell so much about), and 
anybody could tell that the poor thing was almost 
scart to death, for it was so hoarse that it couldent 
spoke above a whisper if it hadent been. I knew it 
was the signal of distress the minnit I heard it, and I 
could feel my vitals tyin’ themselves up into hard nots 
in their frantic efforts to hide away from danger, but 
I was cool and composed. I had looked death square 
into the countenance on several occasions durin’ my 
tower acrost the Unitid States and had been spared to 
see sumthin’ worse the next time, and I was jest goin’ 
to the winder to see what shape it was cumin’ in that 
time, when my nees refused to serve me any longer 
and I sunk back into my chair weaker ’n a toper’s 
resolution to reform. The hull bildin’ was movin’. I 
had jest strength enough left to grab both hands holt 
of the arms of the chair (jest as you do when you’re 
goin’ to have a tooth distracted) and shot both of my 
eyes, and while I was expectin’ to either shoot up into 
the air like a sky-rockit to a 4th of July sellebration 
or to sink into the ragin’ oshun like a cat with a stone 
charm tied to her neck, I says to myself, “ If the Lord’ll 
only pertect me in this grate immergincy (though I 
don’t know the nature of the trouble myself, but I 
expect He does) and will let me live long eneough to 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


203 


git home alive, I don’t believe I’ll want to git outside 
of the door-yard ag’in. 

Talk about the pleasures of travillin\ when a body 
is starin’ death right out of his thin lookin’ counte- 
nance every 10 or 15 minnits, but I can’t see jest where 
the pleasure cums in. Mebby sum folks in joy it, and 
if they do they air welcum to all the pleasure they can 
git out of it, but I know I’ve had eneough of that 
perticular injoyment to last me as long as I live. If 
I’d had my life insured aginst high water I’d been 
willin’ to trustid in Providence, but I knew I hadent, 
for neither me nor Jonithan ever thought San Fran- 
cisco was sot on an i’land, and that I’d had to go over 
on sich a shakey old bridge. My homely old yaller 
house, and my poor Hesekiah never seemed so dear 
to me before, and now , when it was too late , when I was 
shiprecked, and jest as like as not drowndid, then and 
not till then , could I realise how terrible foolish I had 
been to exchange them, and Tige, and other tender 
ties, and 105 dollars in good new greenbacks for the 
privelige of sufferin’ as I had in the last 12 days and 
seein’ sum of the worst lookin’ country that ever 
helped hold the world together. The story of poor 
old Cristofer Robison cum up before me as vivid as a 
cheap cromo, and the very thought of bein’ penned up 
on a island, with nobody to talk to only some goats and 
a poll parrot, and a nigger man, and no near nabers, 
only canible’s (and they eat folks instid of talkin’ 
about ’em), made me shudder worse’ n havin’ teeth 
pulled, and when I thought how shiprecked crews et 
each other, I wondered whether Lucindy ’d have any 
scruples about eatin’ the old man if worst cum to 


204 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


worst, and then there was as many as 6 bnore full 
grown shudders crawled over me, and I could feel the 
groans blubberin’ out of my mouth like steam out of a 
teakittle spout. The next thing I felt was a pitcher 
full of ice water goin’ down the back of my neck with 
a search warrant to see if I was there. I was and I 
was mad. I don’t mind the little familiarity which 
promptid the act of kindness, but I do think folks mint 
strain the chunks of ice through their fingers and 
make death as easy as possible for their victims. 
“Air — air you feelin’ any better?’’ says a pleasant 
but surprised lookin’ old lady (as soon as she seen I 
was survivin’, and could collect the breath I’d nocked 
out of her, as I jumped up to avoid the rest of the 
shower). “ Y — y-e-s,” I shivered as I wiped the icicles 
off’n my ears, and wished I had Ilesekiali there so’s he 
could make a few remarks about “ a damp fool that 
dident know no more than to go gaddin’ ’round the 
country and let folks impose upon ’er.” 

It’s a pity if anybody can’t shet their eyes and 
commune with their own unhappy thoughts, without 
havin’ all the starch took out of the inside of their 
bussle, and have their back feel as if there was 2 gal- 
lons of cold water sloppin’ round between them and 
a drowndid undershirt. It ain’t pleasant , but if folks 
will travil, they must expect to put up with sich little 
inconveniences onc$ in the while. Then I turned my 
eyes to the winder and seen — nothin’, but the sight of 
it sot the cold chills to chasin’ each other up and down 
my back, till the little chunks of ice that was huddlin’ 
up close to my back-bone to keep warm, felt as if they 
was turnin’ into coles of fire. It wasent nothin’ only 


AKD HER TRAVELS. 


205 


water, but when the horrible thought of driftin' out to 
sea in all the modern inconveniences, cum over me, 
I felt nervous and thought I’d like to go home. 

“ You’re not lookin’ well, Misses Hopkins,” says 
Mr. Oglesby, as he cum in and sot down by me, but 
before I had time to tell him that I wasenty^Zm’ very 
well, either, he proposed that we should go outside 
where I could git the fresh air. 

“Is there any more danger out there?” says I, 
feelin’ as if my constitution couldent face much more. 

“Oh, no. There’s no danger nowhere. These 
boats air perfectly safe,” says he ; and then I knew what 
was the matter. We was on a steamboat, but I dident 
calkerlate they should ever know that I was scart. I 
begun to feel better when I found there wasent nothin’ 
rong, and when Lucindy put away her chaw of gum and 
begun to sing, “ a life on the oshun waves,” I felt jest 
like jinin’ in, but her voice was as clear as a medder 
lark’s, and I was afraid to trust mine for fear it would 
be a little shakey after all the trouble I’d had on my 
mind. 

The boats and ships was all spred ’round over the 
w r ater like gingerbred and punkin pies to a country fair, 
and they was all sizes and shapes, from a little skiff 
that looked jest about big eneough to spill one man 
out, up to boats as big as 2 or 3 Methodist meetin’ 
houses, and sails eneough hangin’ on the clothes lines 
to make a sircuss tent. San Francisco was scattered 
’round over the hills, and everything looked so excitin’ 
with the flags a flyin’ on the ships, and the boats sailin’ 
’round on top of the water, and the sea gulls divin’ 
after oringe peelin’ s, that I told Lucindy it beat all the 


206 MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 

4th of July fireman’s parades I ever see. 1 in joyed 
ridin’ over “ the boundin’ waves and foamin’ billers ” so 
much that I felt real sorry when I seen ’em backin’ the 
end of the boat up ag’inst the lower end of San Fran- 
cisco, but I felt worse when I heard sumbody with a 
base voice holler out, “ all fast below,” for I thought 
we was captured by pirates or a man of war, and that 
they’d fastened the sellar doors so’s we couldent git 
out, but I put a dretful look of de : rmination onto my 
face, and says I, “Let ’em cum, micindy; but before 
they shall ever captivate me, and larry me off to be a 
duke or a princis, and make me five in a cave with a 
lot of robbers I hain’t never had no introduction to, 
I’ll take my carpit-sack in my hand and jump right over 
that lattice work railin’ into the sea. Wouldent you, 
Lucindy ? ” 

“I dun’no f Miss Hopkins. That water looks so 
kinder deep and nasty that I believe I’d ruther stop 
here and run the chances.” 

When Mr. Oglesby cum up after us I never let on 
that I was scart a bit, but I had my umbrell reddy for 
immediate action, for my very soul cried out (figura- 
tively speakin’, of course), “ give me liberty or choke 
me to death,” and I calkerlated to die dretful brave, if 
I had to die at all. We went right along with the 
crowd, but whether there was too many of us, or 
whether the look of terrible determination on my face 
scart ’em out, I don’t know, but thev dident attact us. 


CHAPTER XXVII. 


MORE CHEEK THAN A BOOK AGENT — A WELL-FILLED 
COACH — “A FEW MINNITS* REST ” — A SHORT EX- 
CURSION" IN' AN - ELEVATOR — A YOUNG MAN IN 
TROUBLE — GREAT EXCITEMENT ON THE UPPER FLOOR — 
PEACE AND LIBERTY RESTORED — A HAUNTED HOTEL. 

I thought the “ carrige-hooters ” in Chicago was 
bad eneough, but San Francisco can defy the world to 
beat her “ hotel runners.” As soon as a boat rubs her 
nose ag’in the wharf they begin to saw the air and hol- 
ler, “ Right this way for the Grand Sentral,” “ Here’s 
yer Internashinal,” and a hundred other best houses in 
the city is yelled into your ears till you begin to feel 
as if murder ought to be justifiable in sum cases. One 
sassy little red-headid retch yelled “ Russ House ” into 
my ears on 16 different occasions, and I think he’d got 
up to 20 (and I’d never been able to heard anything 
else in this world) if he hadent got holt of an old 
Dutch woman and 6 children, and 17 big bundles to 
put in the carrige. 

One of ’em collared Mr. Oglesby, and before I could 
git near eneough to warn him of his danger the feller 
had disapeared (or tried to) with our carpit sacks, but 
I follered him right to his den, and when he seen me 
standin’ there he opened the door of the carrige and 
invited me to “ git right in,” but I waited till Mr. 
Oglesby and Lucindy’d dim in, and then I thought I’d 
run the chances of cumin’ out all right, so I got in. 

307 


20$ MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HEK TRAVELS. 

There was 3 seats, and I was thinkin’ what 8 nice, 
comfortable ride we was goin’ to have, when the same 
feller cum back with as menny as 16 other folks (count- 
in’ children and all). When he opened the carrige 
door and begun to make preparations to pile sum of 
’em in, I says to him : “ There’s room for 3 more in 

here.” But I reckon he dident hear me, ’cause he kep’ 
pilin’ ’em in till there was 3 or 4 grown folks on every 
seat, and then he piled in young’ uns, and canary bird 
cages, and poodles till you couldent see over ’em, and 
then he piled the rest up on top with the loose men, 
and went back after sum more. I seen him tryin’ to 
coax an old woman and 5 children to git in the coach, 
and he actually told her there was “ plenty of room 
inside,” but she wouldent cum, and I’m glad she 
dident, for I suffered eneough as it was. 

While I was tryin’ to make a careless estimate 
on how many different families was trampin’ on my 
bunnions, the stage stopped in front of a big brick 
bildin’, and a little curly lieadid' feller in his shirt 
sleeves cum runnin’ out and commenced unloadin’ the 
stage and standin’ us up on the side walk. When he’d 
got ’em all out he had eneough humanity surroundin’ 
him to made a 1st rate camp meetin’. Then he opened 
a big glass door that had “ Ladies Entrance ” painted 
on it (I s’pose that was the name of the hotel) and 
says he, “ Eight this way, ladies,” but as he had my 
carpit sack in his hands it dident need very much 
coaxin’ for me to keep in sight of him. The settin’- 
room he took us into was as big as our hull meetin’ 
house, and it seemed like a shame to take a big crowd 
in onto sich a nice carpit. It was the nicest parlor I 



LET ME OUT OF HERE THIS MINNIT.” 






210 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


was ever in, and as I leaned back into one of them 
easy chairs that has springs and quishons all over ’em, 
I felt as if my trouble was over. There was a great 
big pianner, and 2 or 3 soffys, and a lookin’ glass with 
a gold frame on it that covered \ the side of the room, 
and a hull lot of pickters, and blinds on the winders, 
(but I reckon the carpenter that hung ’em hadent got 
his trade finished, ’cause every last one of ’em was 
hung onto the inside of the winders, but he’d got ’em 
fixed up as limber as a pockit rule, and you could open 
jest as much of ’em as you wantid to, and leave the 
rest closed up like a pantry closit.) While I sot there 
takin’ an inventory of my surroundin’s, the little curly 
headid feller cum up to me with a pencil and paper in 
his hand, and says he, “ What’s the name, please ? ” 

“ Mahetible Hopkins, and this is Lucindy Harriet 
Ann ” 

“ Where from?” he interrupted, as he scribbled 
“ Mrs. M. Hopkins and daughter,” on the paper he had 
in his hand. 

“ 2 mile and a \ from Floyd Corners, and J a mile 
from Deacon Peggs’es,” says I, wonderin’ what bisiness 
it was of his’n where I was from, or who I was, as long 
as the hotel runner invited me up there. After he’d writ 
that down he reached the strip of paper to a young 
feller that was standin’ there with a handfull of keys, 
and says he, “ Show these ladies to 108.” 

“ This way, please,” says the young feller, after he’d 
sorted my carpit-sack and Lucindy’ s out of the pile of 
’em by the door, and we follered him to the fur end o /! 
the hall where he stopped in front of a little closit door 
and says he, “ Step right inside, ladies,” 


A2*D HER TRAVELS. 


211 


I thought mebby it was our room, so I stepped in 
and begun to look ’round, but I took it all in at a 
glance, for there wasent very much to take in. There 
wasent no furniture in the room only a white spittoon 
and a spottid carpit and 2 benches covered with what 
was left. As soon as I looked at the room I turned to 
the young feller, and says I, “ We’ve jest cum from the 
East, and we’re about tired out, so if you’ve got a better 
room than this, I mean one with a bed in it, I’d like it 
even if we have to pay for it, and ” 

“ You shall have a good, comfortable room,” says 
he interruptin’ me, as he stepped into the closit, and 
the next minit the doors sprung shut like a patent 
mousetrap, and the hull arrangement begun to clime 
up into the air like Carlos Coe’s baloon. As soon as I 
was satisfide that the bildin’ was movin’, I riz up and 
was goin’ to jump out, but he grabbed holt of my arm 
and in a stern lookin’ voice says he, “ Be quiet, please.” 

It flashed over me in a minnit what I’d hearn Hese- 
kiah readin’ about the man-traps they have in these 
big cities to ketch strangers and country folks in, and 
I seen that they’d got me and Lucindy sure eneough, 
but says I to myself, “ I reckon they’ll think they’ve 
ketched the livlyest old woman they’ve seen in sum 
time,” cause I dident calkerlate they’d take me up next 
to the roof and rob me of all my valuables unless I 
made it real interrestin’ for ’em, so I spoke up middlin’ 
determined and says I, “Let me out of here this 
minnit.” 

“ Don’t git excited, madam. You’re all right,” says 
he, lookin’ round him dretful oneasy, but I seen plainly 
that he dident calkerlate to let me out, ’cause he still 


318 MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HBR TRAYBLI. 

hung to my arm like a drunken man to a lamp post, 
and the closit was still shootin’ up towards the rafters, 
so I says to myself : 

“ Mahetible Hopkins, if you ever calkerlate to 
strike for liberty and freedom (not to mention the 
money that’s bastid onto the inside of your corsits), 
now is the time to act.” 

I don’t s’pose we’d been in that closit more’n a min- 
nit, but we’d been there altogether too long to suit me, 
so I give the young feller sich a poke over the head 
with my umbrell that his mouth flew open like a 
patent rat trap, and then I sot up a screech that would 
drowndid a planin’ mill whissle in the next block, and 
kep’ it right up to the last note till he survived eneough 
to yell into my ear, “ Oh, for Heaven’s sake, let up on 
that rackit, there’s a man sick in Sacramento.” 

“ And there’ll be another one sick in this closit in 
about -J- a 2nt, if you don’t stop this machine and let 
me out,” says I, lookin’ at him dretful stern, for I 
knew it was a desprit case, and that the law’ll allow 
anybody to do most anything in self offence. He 
dident say nothin’ only look anxious, and when “ Help, 
M-u-r-d-e-r, F-I-R-E,” and all sich begun to fill that 
closit chuck full and runnin’ over he begun to look as 
if he wished he hadent. In fact he’d “ caught a Tar- 
tar” and he dident know what to do with it. Jest as 
I was ketchin’ my breath for another trial of lung 
power, the cage stopped in front of another long hall 
that was full of excitement and folks inquirin’, “ What’s 
the matter?” “ Who’s hurt?” “ Where’s the fire?” and 
all sich, but I was so over-joyed when I found myself 
rescued that I stood there pantin’ like a lizzard on a 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


213 


grapevine, but I never said a word. Jest as I’d got 
so’s I could breath a little natural, a big fat feller with 
a pompous air and a suit of gray clothes on cum rushin’ 
up and says he, “ What’s all this disturbance about ? ” 
“ The old lady was afraid of the ellivater and she 
went to howlin’ like a modock injun as soon as we 
started up,” says the little feller, p’intin’ over at me 
and scowlin’ as if he was mad (and mebby he was, 
’cause I reckon likely I did make his teeth rattle a 
little when I hit him over the wisdom holder). I 
hadent calkerlated on sayin’ a word one way or the 
other, but when the old man looked at me so sassy, I 
couldent help it, so I straightened myself up and says 
I, “ It ain’t no sich a thing. There wasent nothin’ 
in that closit only a white spittoon and us 3 folks,” 
says I p’intin’ at Lucindy, and me, and the other feller. 
None of ’em said anything so I give my umbrell a 
triumphant wave into the air and while the young 
feller was still dodgin’, I continued, “ I want you to 
understand, sir, that I hain’t afraid of nothin’, and 
besides that, I ain’t more ’n \ as big a fool as I look to 
be. [Laffter and applaws.] I’ve hearn all about your 
big cities and the man traps you have to ketch green- 
horns in, but if you think you hain’t got a lively prize 
when you git me in your cage, then you air mistaken 
in the person, that’s all.” He seen that I had got the 
best of the argument, so he jined in laffin with the 
rest, and then says he, “ Burton, show those ladies to 
their room and if there’s any more of ’em, bring ’em 
up the stairs.” And then he stepped into the closit 
and disapeared through the bottom of the floor like 
injun spirits to a spiritual science (of humbug). As we 


214 MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 

was follerin’ the feller down through the hall Lucindy 
turned to me and says she : 

“ I b’leve this house is hantid.” 

“ Well, I won’t stay very long if it is, for I’ve had 
trouble eneough with live folks without gettin’ mixed 
up with a lot of dead gosts that I never was acquaintid 
with,” says I real decidid, for I felt as if I’d be temptid 
to hurt the 1st gost that cum near me. While we was 
waitin’ for the young feller to unlock our room, a tall 
man with a yaller complexioned little woman leanin’ 
on his arm cum walkin’ past us, and says he : 

“ She’s a tender foot sure.” 

I knew he ment me, ’cause they was lookin’ me out 
of my own countenance, but I don’t know what he 
ment by sayin’ my feet was tender, unless he thought 
mebby my shoes was pinchin’ or that sumbody had 
been trampin’ on my corns, the reason I hollered so, 
but instid of blamin’ him for the mistake, I pittied his 
ignorance. I s’pose likely it did sound as if I was git- 
tin’ hurt offle, for I must admit I put conciderable 
energy in the matter. 

After he unlocked the door he showed us a pair of 
stairs with a carpit on, and a linen duster over it, and 
he said we mint cum down that way if we wanted to, 
and I told him we did, if we cum at all. Then he told 
us that the ellevater was perfectly safe, and that it was 
“ a modern intention for elevatin’ folks,” but I told 
him I had no fault to find with the old fashion way of 
elevatin’ myself up one stair at a time, and that I 
should probably patronise the stair route the little time 
I stayed. He laffed and went down stairs, and I went 
in to see whether we’d got a comfortable room or not. 







“I AINT AFRAID OF NOTHIN.” 





CHAPTER XXVIII. 


THE BEST SPAKE BED-ROOM — MAHETIBLE REPLIES IN 
POUR LANGUAGES — TABLE DECORATIONS — “A ELO- 
QUENT DINNER” — A QUIET STROLL THROUGH THE 
TILLAGE — IN SEARCH OF A LIGHT — THE BELL BOY 
MEETS WITH A LITTLE DIFFICULTY — SHE KNEW ALL 
ABOUT GAS — “ NO, I DIDENT RING.” 

The room he’d turned us into looked real comfort- 
able, and I told Lucindy that I’d bet they’d give 
us their best spare bed-room, ’cause I told that feller 
that I was jest from the East. 

There was one of these fashionable black walnut 
bedstids with a cupolo on the head-board, and the pil- 
ler cases was clean, and covered up with a pair of 
them ruffled charity s (that generally hide a multitude 
of dirty piller cases), and there was a clean white 
counterpain on the bed, and a buro in the other 
corner with conveniences for holdin’ hair pins and 
gum on the little shelves alongside the lookin’ glass, 
and a wash-stand, and a parlor carpit, and a program 
nailed up on the door that said it would cost you 2 
dollars and a| a day for accomodations, and u don’t 
blow out the gas” in big letters. 

We’d jest got our faces washed and our hair combed 
when Mr. Oglesby cum up and said dinner was reddy. 
As soon as we got down into the lower hall the little 
feller that went up in the cage with us, cum and 
escortid us into the dinin’ room, and it w T as so full of 
folks, and tables, and nigger waiters, that it took 

210 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 217 

the biggest part of my appetite away. The wim- 
men that was settin’ round to the different tables 
was all fixed up with furbelows, and flounces, and 
it made Lucindy and me look middlin’ plain ; but 
I dident care, for I was probably as rich and respect- 
able and had seen as much of the world as the best 
of ’em, even if I hadent never had as menny flounces 
on my dress. 

We hadent sot there menny minnits before a curly 
headid feller, with a light seal-brown complexion, cum 
up and offered us sum pamflits ; but I dident have my 
specs along, so I says to him : 

“I don’t care about readin’ ’em now, for we’re 
calkerlatin’ to go out to see the place this afternoon, 
and if it’s all the same to you, I’d ruther eat now.” 

I gess the poor feller couldent talk much Inglish, 
for he commenced to rattle off French and Italick (and 
I don’t know but he mixed in sum Gum Arabick) till 
it would took an expirt to told what countryman he 
was. Once in the while he’d bring in a little broken 
Inglish, but he’d generally hitch on eneough of that 
forin stuff to make an organ grinder homesick, and 
he’d twist his tung so much faster’n I could think, that 
I couldent make no sence out of his argement, but as 
soon as he stopped to ketch his breath I replied : 

“ Nix fer sthay. Polly boo Francy. Me no savey. 
Don’t understand.” 

He put a red napkin up to his face and disappeared 
into the kitchen, and in a minnit a feller with a smile 
as much as 5 inches long come in and says he, “ What 
shell I brung yo’ fo’ dinner ? ” 

“ Oh, jest bring us anything you’ve got handy,” 


218 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


says I, and after he’d got started off towards the kitchen 
I happened to think that mebby he’d tell the wimmin 
folks we was company from the East and that they’d 
go to work and cut cake, and open canned peaches, and 
bring out the sweet pickles, so I called him back, and 
says I, “Now don’t let your wimmin folks go to puttin’ 
themselves out on my account, ’cause I ain’t perticular 
what I have, so long as I git a cup of good strong 
black tea.” 

There was one thing on the tables that tickled me 
so’s I couldent hardly keep my face straight, every 
time I looked at ’em, and that was the bokays. There 
was one on the middle of every table, and if they wan’t 
the comicklest lookin’ ornaments I ever see on a table 
then I’m mistaken. There was 5 or 6 pale yaller and 
green stocks sti ekin’ up in the middle of a tall glass 
goblit, and they looked jest about as hansum as a bokay 
made out of pie-plant stalks. Sum of ’em was more’n 
a foot tall, and there wasent a flower in the hull lot, 
and nothin’ only a little bunch of leaves clean up on 
the very top, and they was faded out as yaller as if 
they’d never seen the sun. One of the wimmin to the 
other table probably thought they was sum land of 
greens, for she et the hull stalk clean up to the leaves. 
I would went over and told her they was calkerlated 
for ornament instid of fodder, but she was fixed up so 
stilish that I thought it would hurt’er worse’n the stuff 
she was eatin’, so I dident let on that I’d noticed her 
ignerance. When the feller brought in the dinner I 
says to him : 

“Them’s hansum bokays of your’n.” He smiled 
till I thought the hull top of his head was goin’ to be 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


219 


an orfan, and then he replied: “ Yes’m, dey air 
scrumptious lookin’, no mistake.” After we’d et 
awhile, he cum ’round and cleared off the table and 
wanted to know if we dident want sum “ dessert,” and 
before I could, tell him that we’d had all the desert we 
wanted in the last few days, Mr. Oglesby told him 
to fetch it on, but I reckon he forgot all about it, for 
he dident bring nothin’ only some pie and pudden and 
another cup of black tea. W e had “ a eloquent dinner ” 
(cause one of the wimmin to the next table said so, 
and they had pritty much the same kind of truck that 
we did), and when it was over, we went out to see the 
sights. San Francisco is a middlin’ big place, and it 
looked like there was sumthin’ goin’ on, for the streets 
was jammed full of folks, and carriges, and cars, and 
Chinamen, and they all acted as if they was in a hurry, 
only the cars. The injine that run them is a span of 
old horses, that look as if they learnt their trade on 
the canal and was offal sorry about it. The streets was 
runnin’ in every direction, and sum of ’em was so long 
it made me tired to look clean down to the further 
end of ’em, and it dident look like anybody lived there 
only jewelry stores, and dry goods palices, and shoe 
shops, and resturants, and candy stores, and all sich, 
and I don’t think menny of ’em lived up stairs, cause 
’most every winder had a door plate hangin’ in it, that 
said there was a dentist, or a lawyer, or a insurance 
agent inside. After we’d walked ’round till we’d all 
got tired, and hadent cum to the end of no street yit, 
Mr. Oglesby p’inted his finger at one of the yaller 
cars and it stopped, and took us in,, and we rid clean 
out into the super bs of the city. We changed cars 4: 


220 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


times, but they all seemed to be as slow as the 1st 
train, but I was glad of it, for there was so menny 
folks and teams and other cars in the way, that I was 
expectin’ every minnit when we’d run over 2 or 3 of 
’em and mangle ’em up into a coroner’s inquest. 

We found out where all the families lived. They 
live out on the back streets, where it takes 2 hours to 
git to, unless you ride out on the horse railroad. It 
was almost dark when we got back to the hotel, and 
when I went to light the candle there wan’t nothin’ 
there only matches, so I left Lucindy “to keep house” 
while I went down stairs after a , candle. On the 2nt 
pair of stairs I met a boy in his shirt sleeves, that 
actid as if he was to home, so I haltid him and says I : 

“ Say, bub, do you belong ’round here ? ” 

“ Yes’m ; I’m the bell-boy.” 

“ Could you tell me where I’d be likely to find a 
candle ? ” 

“Yes, mom; there’s lots of ’em down to the gro- 
cery,” says he, grinnin’ as if he’d said sumthin’ smart- 
er’n pepper-sass, but he dident grin very long, for I 
grabbed him by the collar and give him a shake that 
would upsot a dozen jest sich grins, and says I : 

“ See here, young feller, I want a light, and I don’t 
want no sass about it, neither.” 

But when I let go of him he flew up the stairs as 
if he had springs under ’im, and when he got to the 
top of the stairs he hollered out : 

“ Light up the old lady’s glim, cully.” 

And while I was wonderin’ whether he was sassin* 
me or not, another feller stepped up and says he : 

“ Did you wish a light ? ” 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


221 


“ Yes, sir,” says I, real dignifide. 

“All right. Show me your room, please,” says he, 
feelin’ in his vest pocket after a match. 

"When we got to the room he lit a match on the 
widest part of his pant’loons and touched it to one 



“ ! WA nt a light, and i don’t want no sass about it, neither.” 

end of the little iron arrangement that was stickin’ out 
of the wall, and it biased up as bright as three or four 
candles. I thought it was a hat rack, and I’d hung 
my bunnit on it, but they’ve got things fixed up so 
much lately that country folks will git fooled once in 



222 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


th© while, no matter how smart they air. After he’d 
got the little iron rod to blazin’ he turned to me and 
says he : 

“ I suppose you know how to manige this gas? ” 

“ Oh, yes, I understand all about that” says I, for I 
dident want him to think I was so ignerant that I 
dident know gas was pizen, especially when you blow 
it out. Of course I’d never handled none of the stuff 
myself, but I’d hearn tell about ignerant country folks 
blowin’ out the gas and then wakin’ up dead in the 
mornin’. I knew it wasent dangerous till after it was 
blowd out, and I calker lated that light was goin’ to 
burn all night, if I had to set up and watch with it, 
but it burnt so stiddy all the evenin’ that I felt per- 
fectly safe to go to bed and leave it. It dident disturb 
me none, but' Lucindy grumbled conciderable about it, 
and said she never could sleep with a light burnin’, 
but I told her she’d better lay awake all night than to 
wake up and find herself dead in the mornin’, and 
that seemed to passify her conciderable, if not more. 
I couldent help but be a trifle suspicious about the 
house, and I was afraid to hang my clothes on them 
iron hooks behind the door, for fear there might be 
sum ketch about ’em. Lucindy thought her’n would 
be safe eneough layin’ on a chair, but I had a trifle 
over 3 hundred dollars bastid firmly into my corsits, 
and I thought it’d be safer for me to sleep with them 
on, ’cause I knew they couldent fish them out through 
the transit over the door, unless they took me along, 
and I thought likely I’d wake up and talk to ’em 
before they got very fur. I noticed a little white nub 
stickin’ out of a black walnut frame that was glued to 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


223 


the Trail, and I thought I’d examine it and see if a 
hole in the wall would fly open and reveal a dark 
closit full of bones and horrible secrits ; but it dident, 
and I jumped into bed feelin’ that everything was prob- 
ably all right, but it wasent, for I hadent got my piller 
foldid so’s it wouldent git into my ear and git lost, 
when sumbody nocked on the door. 

“ What’s the matter?” says I, h’istin’ upon my 
elbow and reachin’ over after my umbrell. 

“ Dident you ring ? ” says a man’s voice jest outside 
the door. 

“ No, I dident ring,” says I, beginnin’ to git mad, 
and before I had time to tell him that I’d probably ring 
sumbody’s neck if they dident keep away from that 
door, he says : 

“Beg pardon, madam,” and left, and I gess likely I 
went to sleep. 

The strangest things about them gas-lights is, that 
there’s jest light eneough in ’em to burn all night, for 
that one was still afire when we went down to break- 
fast, and when we cum back the hired girl had cleaned 
up our room and the light was out, and the candle- 
stick felt as cold as if it hadent never been afire in the 
world. 


CHAPTER XXIX. 


A DAY AT WOODWARD’S GARDENS — “ NOTHIN* LIKE MY 
GARDING TO HOME ” — MISS WOODWARD’S PETS — THE 
“AMUSEUM” AND FLOWER “OBSERVATORY” — ANOTHER 
AND A GREATER FRAUD — A SUMMER THAT LASTS ALL 
WINTER — THE ART GALLERY — “PEOPLE OF MY OWN 
STANDIN’” — A MOST TEMPTING INVITATION. 

After breakfast, we took the cars and went up to 
see Mr. Woodward’s gardings. He’s got a real nice 
place way out in the other side of the city, and it must 
took him sum little time to got it fixed up the way he 
has. There was lots of folks there beside us to see the 
gardings, and I reckon they kep’ Mr. and Miss Wood- 
ward oifle bizzy, for we never seen nothin’ of em, and 
if we had I don’t know as we’d know ’em from the rest 
of the crowd. I should think that poor woman would 
git tired of hearin’ the word company, for the hired 
man that was takin’ charge of things said they had 
that menny there every day, and Saturdays and Sun- 
days the place was crowdid. I was terribly disap- 
pointed about the gardings, for I dident see no veg- 
etables nor nothin’ that looked like a garding, only a 
hoe hangin’ on the fence, and sum grapevines, and 
apple trees. I dident let on that I knew the difference, 
but I calkerlatid if I seen Miss Woodward to invite 
her to cum and see me sumtime, and then I’d show her 
w hat a garding ought to look like ; for, if I do say it 
myself, there hain’t menny that can beat me and Hese- 
kiah raisin’ early garding sass. Miss Woodward’s 

234 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 


225 


garding was all cut up into windin’ paths, and what 
was left, was covered with fish ponds, and rose bushes, 
and flower beds, and weepin’ willers, and piles of 
rockery, and ivy covered arbers (with seats all ’round 
on the inside so’s the young folks could set in the 
shade, and spark, and swap motto candy’s, and git 
spiders and red ants down their backs). The only 
thing they seemed to be takin’ any pains to raise was 
grass. They had sum little patches of it here and 
there, which varied in size from a dishpan to an onion 
bed, and they had “ keep off the grass ” notices stuck 
up everywhere. 

Miss Woodward must been a grate hand for pets, 
’cause the barnyard was full of ’em, and there was a 
bird-cage the hull length of the house that was full of 
green parrots, and whippoorwills, and yaller birds, and 
about 5 bushel of other kinds that I hadent never seen 
before. How she could have ’em in the house where 
she was livin’ all the time is more’n I could tell, for 
their singin’ and chitterin’ (and you mint say swearing 
when that big boss parrot was to home) almost drove 
me ravin’ extracted in the little time I sot there 
watchin’ ’em. The boxes I mentioned before was full 
of monkeys, and bears, and snakes, and happy families, 
and rinastycuriouses, and alligaters, and camomiles, 
and laffin’ hyenys, and turkey-buzzards, and a hull lot 
of other reptiles that I couldent remember £ the names 
on. There was one cage of the freckledest tigers I 
ever seen, and one little cream-colored horse that I 
reckon had been calkerlatid for a sircuss horse and had 
got disapointid sumhow, for it was all paintid in black 
stripes and looked like a pair of old-gold stockin’s on a 
*5 


m 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


Dutch girl. I liked the little streakid horse and the 
tigers lst-rate well, ’cause they looked so kinder odd 
and sassy, but I wouldent give 20 cents for all the rest 
of the critters, if they’d throwed in the pond full of 
sea-lions and the tame ostrich in the bargin. They had 
a grate big glass-covered observatory that was full of 
flowers and tomater plants and a 2-story house along side 
of it that Mr. Oglesby said was the “ amuseum,” but 
there wan’t the first thing in it only sticks, and stones, 
and birds’ eggs, and stuffed butterflies, and sharks’ 
teeth, and pickled snakes, and sea-moss, and injun rela- 
tives, and shells, and chunks of bone, and about 5 
thousan’ other things too numerous to mention. Up 
stairs there was all kinds of animals, and owls, and 
foxes, and grizzly bears, and cranes, and wild-cats, and 
geese, and seaTgulls, and monstrosities with 2 heads, 
all standin’ ’round lookin’ as stiff and uncomfortable 
as a grand jury. Sum of the remains looked real nat- 
ural and had a peacable expression on their counte- 
nance, as if they’d died middlin’ easy and was glad of it, 
while sum of the others looked as if they’d been choked 
into the beautiful hereafter and was watchin’ for the 
man that done it. Then there was others that had a 
kind of a sick look spred over ’em, as if they’d ruther 
been carried out in a garbage-wagon than to been 
stuffed with glass eyes and cotton and glued onto a 
plank, for the benefit of science and Mr. Woodward. 

Then we went up stairs for as much as 15 minnits, 
and when we couldent find no more stairs to clime, we 
went into a big bildin’ with seats all ’round (like them 
on the “ grand stand ” along side of a race course, and 
means that if you hain’t got 25 cents to pay for a seat, 


AND HER TRAVELS, 


m 


that you can stand ’round where you please and not 
see anything). There was lots of folks in there, and 
as the seats was all free, we went in and sot down to 
rest a spell, and see what everybody was laffin’ at.. 
The basement was bigger’n a meetin’ house, and the 
floor was all covered with men and boys of all sizes, 
tryin’ to do sumthin’, but for the life of me I couldent 
tell what , unless they was tryin’ to see who could fall 
the hardest without killin’ themselves. Mr. Oglesby 
said it was a “ skatin’ rinktum,” but I’ve seen too much 
skatin’ in my life to believe any sich yarns as that. 
It mint do to tell them ignerant Californy folks that 
them things with little casters on the bottom of ’em air 
skates , and they wouldent know any better’ n to believe 
it, livin’ as they do, in a country where summer lasts 
all winter and ice don’t git no chance to grow, but 
anybody from the banks of the Mohawk knew better. 
They looked more to me like a “ surprise party,” that 
is, they made the boys look dretful surprised when they 
got off’n the flat of their backs and found they wasent 
dead or broke in 2 pieces. 

After we’d watched them fellers spinnin’ ’round on 
their little wagons and the back of their necks till we 
got tired, we startid out to see the rest of the place. 
Mr. Oglesby wanted to go to the “ art gallery,” and as I 
hadent been in one since the time I and IT esekiah had our 
picktures took for Uncle Eube’s folks, I dident object, 
but it wan’t no fotograff gallery when we got there. 
It was nothin’ only pickters, and they was hung as 
close together as comick valentines in a store winder. 
I like pickters 1st rate well myself, and I don’t blame 
Miss Woodward for keepin’ all of her’n, cause they was 


22 $ 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 


all nice, but it seems to me I’d spread ’em out a little, 
if I had to hang sum of the plainest lookin’ ones in the 
wood-shed. 

While we was eatin’ supper Mr. Oglesby said to me : 

“ Don’t you want to go down to Baldwin’s this 
evenin’ and see the ‘ Earl’s Daughter? ’ ” 

I was offle tired, and I’d ruther went to bed, but I 
thought if I was goin’ to stay in Californy any length 
of time that I’d want sum place to go a visitin’, and 
besides that, the papers say them Earls is offle rich 
and ’ristocratick, and I thought it would be a good 
chance for me to git acquaint id with people of my own 
standin’, so 1 told him I gessed I’d go if Lucindy 
would, and then we went up to our room and I fixed 
myself up in my best dress and my sky blue lavender 
tie, and put some peppermint essence on my han’ker- 
chief, and made up my mind I’d show Mr. Baldwin’s 
folks that I was a woman of their own class. 


CHAPTER XXX. 


A VISIT TO MR. BALDWINS — A CRUEL NEGLECT — THE 
CHANGEABLE PICTURE — A DELIBERATE AND COLD- 
BLOODED MURDER — “ VENGEANCE ” IS PURSUED — A 
GREAT LACK OF ENERGY — EVERYTHING SATISFAC- 
TORY ONLY THE FIRE — IT WAS ALTOGETHER TOO 
REAL — “ SHOWS THAT AIR SHOWS.** 

When we got to Mr. Baldwin’s the house was full 
of company, but a young feller with a white vest on 
cum to meet us when we 1st went in and got us a seat, 
but he never said as much as good evenin’ to us, and 
Miss Baldwin never cum near us, and there we sot 
with our bunnits on all the evenin’, but the rest of ’em 
was slighted as bad as we was, so I dident feel so bad 
about it. It was the funnyest bilt house I ever seen, 
and there was flags, and tassles, and gilt ages to every- 
thing, and one hull side of the house was a big pickter 
of little angels drivin’ a span of wild horses through 
the middle of a thunder shower. While I was lookin’ 
at the pickter, the band that sot in front of it startid 
up sum kind of a march, and I reckon they’d been 
marchin’ on the same tune yit if sumbody hadent rung 
a bell and stopped ’em. The next minnit that pickter 
riz right up out of sight and there was another room 
and a lot of folks settin’ ’round a vistin’, but sumhow 
they was dressed up oflle old fashion. One of the 
girls looked as if she was fixed up for a party, ’cause 
she had a low neck dress with short sleeves and the 

829 


230 


MAIIETIBLE HOPKINS 


bottom of it dragged on the ground, like a peacock’s 
tail fethers after a shower. After we’d sot there for 
quite a spell listenin’ to ’em talkin’ about their rich 
relations, the pickter cum down and the band went to 
sawin’ out musick jest as if nothin’ had interruptid 
’em. I was goin’ to ask Mr. Oglesby what it all ment, 
but he had to go out after sum cloves, and he’d only jest 
got back when the bell rung and the pickter started 
up stairs agin. The hull thing was changed. The 
carpit, and furniture, and the hull inside of the house 
was cleaned off as clean as if there’d been a slycoon 
through the kitchen. There was a stone house sot on 
the same foundation, but it hadent near as much 
furniture and folks in it as the 1st one did. There 
was rocks, and trees, and tiger lilly’s gr owin’ on the 
outside, but all I noticed on the inside was a muskeeter 
bar over the winder (that ’d let ’most anything out only 
a man) and one poor feller that was chained to the floor, 
like a cross watch-dog. I thought at 1st that he be- 
longed there, but when he went to tearin’ his hair out 
by the roots, and said that he was innocent, and that 
he must git out, I seen that I was mistaken, and I 
couldent help but wonder why sum of them men dident 
turn ’im loose and let ’im out the way we cum in. 

While I was wonderin’ if it would be the proper 
thing for me to go down there and help him out, a real 
pritty girl cum runnin’ out of the woods, and she actid 
jest as if she expectid to find the young feller asleep, 
and was afraid of wakin’ ’im, ’cause she tiptoed along 
as careful as a cat in the pantry, and when she’d 
peeked into the winder and seen he was awake she 
went right to work to unlock the door, and I gess 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


231 


mebby it was a combination lock, or else she wasent 
acquaintid with it, for she tried all the keys but the 
last one before she got it open. When she got in 
where he was she went to huggin’ him as if she’d got 
a contract to squeeze ’im to death, and he looked like 
he was perfectly willin’ to die that way. Then she 
pulled a file out of her pockit and went to work with 
so much energy that it wan’t more’n 2 minnits till she 
had the young feller unharnessed, and when he wanted 
to return the compliment by huggin’ her, she showed 
that she was jest as changeable as the rest of the wim- 
min, for she p’intid her finger towards the door, and 
in a voice (that would made most any man believe he 
lied if he thought she was the girl that hugged him) 
she says : 

“ Fly for your life ! You hain’t a minnit to spare,” 
and then, like any other woman, she changed her mind 
and kissed him before she’d let ’im go. 

I thought at 1st that he mint bo her brother, and 
that he’d been a bank cashier and got overtook before 
he got out of the United States, but when she told him 
to git up and git, then I knew he was her bow, and 
that her father and a square-faced dog with an open 
countenance and a Free Mason’s grip, dident tahe to 
the match, and that they was probably trailin’ him, 
with blood in their eyes. 

The young feller flue according to orders, and jest 
as the girl was liftin’ up the back breadths of her dress 
so’s she could run, a big black-whiskered man (that 
looked as if he was orriginally intendid for a pirate, 
but the ship w^ent away and forgot ’im) cum sneakin’ 
round the bildin’ like a skunk round a chicken-coop, 


232 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


and jest as she startid to go he ketched her by the arm, 
and I reckon likely he pinched tollerable hard, to judge 
by the way she hollered and looked scart. He told 
her that she was in his power (as she probably knew 
herself) and that she must tell him where his revival 
was and give him the keys to the money-drawer, and 
tell him where the papers was hid, but she was as sassy 
as she was pritty, and she told him she’d die 1st ; and 
I b’leve she ment every word of it, ’cause instid of 
gittin’ scart when he pulled a big bread-knife out of 
the stummuck of his pantloons, she jest flue at him 
and tried to scratch his eyes out, but he carved her 
acrost the cork soles she had to make her dress set 
good and killed her before she had time to spile his 
eye-sight. Then he took the keys, and sum papers, 
and sum diamonds, and perils that she had in a “ gem 
gewelry caskit” in her pockit, and then he run off 
into the woods, and not one of them men offered to 
run for a dockter or to ketch the feller that murdered 
her (although if he’d got money he’d proved that he 
done it in self-offence, and 12 intelligent men would 
believed ’im, and as it was the costs of court was saved, 
but the murderer missed lots of simpathy and the lion- 
izin’ he’d got if he’d been arrestid). He hadent more’n 
disapeared when the little feller cum back and said 
he’d forgot sumthin’ dretful important, but I reckon he 
forgot all about it when he seen that poor girl lyin’ 
there so dead, and it was offfe pittyful to see him rave 
and tear out his hair, and beg of her to cum back and 
kiss him jest once more. All at once he jumped up 
and whispered to one of the fiddlers (but he said it so 
loud that we could all hear it) and says he, “ She lives ! ” 


AND HEE TEAYELS. 


233 


and then he run into the woods ag’in, and in about 3 
quarters of a minnit he cum back with 2 hired men, 
and told them to take her to the cassell and see that 
she had every attention, and then he pulled down his 
fancy-colored vest with the gold trimmin’ on it and 
startid out after “ Yengance.” 

If that was the feller’s name that killed the girl, 
he’d got him as much as 10 minnits quicker’n he did, 
if he’d only waited right where he was, ’cause he 
hadent much more’n got out of sight in the right-hand 
piece of timber, than Yengance cum rushin’ out of the 
left-hand patch. After he’d looked all around to see 
that nobody wan’t watchin’ him he took the papers 
out of his pockit, and after he’d looked ’em all over he 
danced a kind of a susyanner quickstep round the woods 
for a minnit or 2, and then he quit his foolishness, 
and hittin’ himself a blow in the vest pockit, that 
would upsot an honest man, he looked dretful fierce, 
and says he : 

“ At last I have the proof that must and will estab- 
lish my identity, and now, that the girl is safely out 
of my way, I have nothing to fear.” 

Jest as he was startin’ to leave, the little slim feller 
with the embroidered vest on arriv’, and for as much 
as 2 or 3 minnits it looked like there’d be a job for the 
coroner to find out which set of remains had murdered 
the other; but the little feller was middlin’ spry, and 
jest as the pickter cum down ag’in, he had the best of 
the argument, and was settin’ with his nees on the big 
feller’s breakfast and looked like he calkerlated to 
stick a knife in ’im if he moved as much as an eye 
winker. 


234 : 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


Everybody laffed and stomped their feet, and hol- 
lered till the pickter riz up a little ways and let ’em 
gaze onto the chokin’ match J a minnit longer, and 
then it cum down ag’in for good, but you could hear ’em 
scufflein’ for quite a little spell after that. 

Ugh ! The very idee of laffin’ over sich things as 
that makes the cold shudders go all over me, and makes 
my blood feel as thick as clabbered milk. The idee of 
all them men settin’ there and watchin’ that feller 
murder that poor girl, and not one of ’em had revolu- 
tion eneough to do anything, only to set there as if 
they was glued fast, and then when the brave little 
feller was chokin’ the murderer into eternity and repent- 
ance, all they could do to help ’im was to laff and spat 
their hands. My gracious, I couldent hardly keep my 
hands off’n sum of their cowardly pates. When the 
pickter riz up ag’in, a hull passle of soljers — with red 
coats on — had Yengance by the cuff of his neck, and 
was draggin’ him off to the same prison where the 
other feller was in the 1st place, but jest as they was 
unlockin’ the door, Yengance histed up so sudden that 
he upsot 2 soljers that was holdin’ him down, and he 
startid for the woods as if he’d forgot sumthin’ or was 
goin’ to try to ketch the train, but jest as he was climin’ 
over the rocks where he’d killed the girl, the soljers 
told him to halt, and when he dident, they all shot at 
the back of his coat, and he thro wed up his hands and 
keeled over, jest as if his time had cum kinder onex- 
pectid to ’im, but I wasent sorry for him, for it looked 
like justice had overtook one murderer, and that the 
technicalities of the law couldent be brought to bear in 
his case. Jest then there was a hull passle of folks 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


235 


cum runnin’ in, and among the rest was a girl that 
looked eneough like the dead girl to be twins, and 
when the young feller seen her, he jest ketched her 
into his arms, and hugged her right before her father 
and mother, and all the rest of us, and the old folks 
looked so kinder unconcerned, that I thought likely 
the young feller’ d got the money the old man said he 
must have before he got the girl. 

Jest when the pickter of the angels begun to come 
down ag’in there was the brightest red light begun to 
spread over ’em, and when I seen the folks histin’ up, 
and rushin’ towards the door, and heard ’em yellin’ so 
up stairs, I knew it was a fire in the bildin’, and hot 
knowin’ whether I had a fire insurance on my life, I 
thought it would be best for me to git out as quick as 
ever I could , and not take any desprit chances, so I 
whispered to Lucindy, and says I, “Hurry up, for 
goodness sake, and less git out of here before we’re 
smothered.” We succeedid, but I gess the fire dident 
amount to nothin, for that was the last we heard on it. 

“ How did you like the play, Misses Hopkins ? ” says 
Mr. Oglesby, as soon as we’d got into the street car, 
that seemed to be waitin’ for us. 

“ Play,” says I, turnin’ ’round so’s I could look ’im 
square in the face. “Well; if you call that I 

don’t know what you’d call out and out murderin.’ ” 

Mr. Oglesby laffed real hearty, and then says he, 
“ That’s the way they perform now days. Everything 
is as real as life.” 

“Yes. I should think it was real. It’s altogether 
too real for me, and if they was to cut up like that in a 
Christian country, they’d be hung in 6 months or a 


236 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


year if they dident have lots of money and good 
lawyers.’’ 

“ Why, Misses Hopkins, they wan’t killed. It was 
only make believe ” 

“ Mebby sumbody could make you believe it, but 1 
don’t. Dident I see that poor feller’s face all blood, 
and don’t you s’pose I know a dead man when I see 
one,” says I interruptin’ him. I’ve went to shows 
before, and there can’t nobody fool me about sich things, 
or make me believe a man ain’t dead when I see the 
soljers shoot ’im. 

The 1st show I ever went to was the “nigger 
ministers,” and I thought I’d die a laffin’, for they was 
6 of the funnyest niggers I ever seen, and they sung, 
and danced, and told storys and made faces till I 
thought I’d break my corsit strings a laffin’. The 
other show was jest as harmless. The man called 
himself Signor Blitz and he was most as funny as the 
niggers. He took more ’n 2 bushel of tin cups, and 
dirty socks, and hens’ eggs, and a baby dress out of Phil 
Armstrong’s stove pipe hat, and he shot live pigons 
out of hens’ eggs, and pulled a live kitten out of a little 
boy’s ear, and outside of most scarrin’ the boy to death, 
there wasent nobody hurt. When the show was over 
all the lucky ones drawed a prize. I got a washboard 
and Rube Spencer’s wife drawed 8 yards of poor 
calico, and young Mose Bates drawed a fruit baskit, 
but when he went up after it the feller made a mistake 
and hendid out a baby’s cradle. Mose was always 
offle bashful, and when they begun to laff and holler, 
Mose looked as if he was ashamed to think he was 
alive, and he looked like he was goin’ to mortify right 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


237 


in his boots. He wouldent touch it, and when he cum 
back to his seat I told him Hesekiah ’d go ’n git it for 
’im if he was ashamed to, and instid of acceptin’ my 
offer as a kindness he got mad and dident speak to us 
for 4 years, but that dident do no harm. Sich shows 
as that amounts to sumthin’, but if they’ve got to kill 
2 or 3 folks to make a show in Californy, I don’t never 
want to see no more of ’em. 


CHAPTEK XXXI. 


CITY PLEASURES NO LONGER DESIRABLE — “MR. MIL- 
TON'S PARADISE” FOUND — LAUREL GROYE — A VERY 
PROLIFIC GARDEN — “THE HIRED GIRL'S NAME WAS 
JOHN” — MAHETIBLE ACCEPTS A SITUATION — A LITTLE 
HEALTHY EXERCISE — “THE GENERAL” REFUSES TO 
MOVE — HE SEEMED SUDDENLY TO CHANGE HIS MIND — 

wiioa! — * * * ! ! ! — “p. s.” 

The next mornin’ we took the cars for Mr. Oglesby’s 
place, and yon may be sure I was thankful to git out 
of San Francisco. I do honestly believe if I’d had to 
stay there another week that I’d been dead in 2 days. 

Mr. Oglesby had been tellin’ me all the time that 
he lived in the very “ garden of the world,” and it was 
true, but whether by mistake or accident I could not 
say. When we got out of the cars at Santy Clary 
and I seen the green grass, and the flowers, and the 
sun shinin’ down on us (like a picknick day in June), 
and heard the medder larks singin’, I made up my 
mind that it must be a regular paradise, and that 
mebby it was the one that Mr. Milton lost, and writ a 
book about it afterwards. 

While I stood there rapped in thoughts of admira- 
tion and my striped summer shawl, Mr. Oglesby driv’ 
up with the team, and the next minnit we was on the 
way to “Laurel Grove.” That’s what Mr. Oglesby 
called his place ; and it was well worthy of it, though 
there wasent so very much of a grove, but the laurels 

238 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 


239 


was there — two of ’em in the front yard — and they 
was right hansnm. There was a long avenue leadin’ 
from the house to the road, and it was boundid on 
both sides by maple trees all leavin’ out, and when I 
seen the peach, and cherry, and almon, and lots of 
other trees in blossum, I felt as if I’d be willin’ to live 
there always, if Hesekiah was there and Lucindy 
wouldent take no pay for my board. 

The garding was full of cabbiges, and rose bushes, 
and little pigs. Mr. Oglesby said the pigs dident be- 
long there, and I kinder hinted that the cabbiges dident 
neither, at that time of year, but he said they always 
left ’em in the garding till they wanted to use ’em. 
The lettice and young onions was jest big eneough for 
eatin’, and I jest leaned ag’in the fence and injoyed the 
scene, while Mr. Oglesby and the hired man and Lu- 
cindy' and the dog driv’ 16 little pigs out of the gar- 
ding, and fastened up the fence. 

Then we went into the house, and we hadent only 
jest got our things off when the hired girl (another 
one of them slantin’ eyed Johns, with a blue cotton 
petticoat on each leg) told us that supper was reddy. 
Sumhow I dident feel \ as hungry as I thought I 
would, and I gess that Lucindy dident neither. She 
said that she dident like Chinese cheap labor, and bis- 
kits hung together with long black hair, so we held a 
counsel of war, and I told her if she’d git her father to 
discharge the hired girl, that I’d help her do all the 
work. 

The next day the “ rainy season sot in ” (although 
Mr. Oglesby declared it always sot in about the 1st of 
November), and it cum down with sich a force that I 


240 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


thought sure the world had tipped over and that the 
ocean was pourin’ down onto the roof of “ Laurel 
Grove Cottige.” While I sot in the rockin’ chair list- 
enin’ “ to the patter of the soft rain overhead,” as 
buckit full after buckit full struck with a splash that 
made the eave troughs tremble and run over, Mr. 
Oglesby cum in, and seatin’ himself on the sofy, says 
he: 

“ Misses Hopkins, I’ve got to leave home in a few 
days on sum very important bisiness, and I may be 
gone sum time, and mebby longer’n that, and before I 
go I want to make sum arrangements for a house- 
keeper. Lucindy says she won’t have a Chinaman in 
the house, and I was thinkin’ if you was willin’ to stay 
till I cum back, and would help Lucindy along with 
the work, that I’d be willin’ to give you 25 dollars a 
month. I know you don’t have to work out, but 
Lucindy seems to think so much of you, and I’d feel so 
much safer if I had a good trusty person here to see to 
things while I was gone.” 

When he 1st commenced talkin’ I thought he was 
goin’ to propose ag’in, and my indignation riz right up 
in my throat till it cum pritty nigh chokin’ me, but 
the proposition he finally made suited me lst-rate, and 
I breathed easier. I dident like the idee of Uncle Phi- 
lander’s heiress workin’ out for wages, but I knew they 
wouldent git to hear of it to home, and besides that, I 
couldent never stop in one of them city hotels and pay 
8 dollars for bein’ scart to death with sum new inven- 
tion every 15 minnits, and bothered more or less the 
rest of the time. 

I knew I’d feel better to be workin’ a little, for I 


AND HER TRAVELS. 


241 


shouldent be grievin’ after ILesekiah so much, and 
besides that, I knew Luc indy wouldent let me pay a 
cent for my board (’cause he said so time and ag’in), 
and I dident calkerlate to sponge my livin’ off’n 
nobody, and 25 dollars was quite a little inducement, 
so I straightened myself up real dignified and says I : 

“ Mr. Oglesby, I s’pose you know that I don’t have 
to work for a livin’, but at the same time, if it’s goin’ 
to be any grate accomodation to you and Lucindy, 
I’ll be glad to stay.” 

“ I’m real glad to hear that , for now I can leave 
home feelin’ satisfide that everything is in charge of a 
trusty person,” says he, good naturedly, and 15 minnits 
after that I seen the hired girl with her trunk (2 dirty 
white cotton aprons and a sack of tobacker) under her 
arm, strikin’ out in the shower after another situation. 
The next mornin’ he startid on his journey, and Lucindy 
and I was “ monarck of all we could see.” 

You see, Mr. Oglesby and 2 or 3 other fellers own 
a hull lot of minin’ property up to Plasterville, and he 
told us that he was one of the “ directions of the com- 
pany,” but I don’t mention it as a fact, for I don’t 
believe more’n J he tells, and I don’t hardly believe he 
does. He told us we needent be oneasy if he wasent 
back for 6 weeks or 2 months, for he mint have to go 
clean back to Hew York to introduce sum of the bogus 
stock of the “ Haney Jane Consolidated,” and then he 
mint have to keep his whereabouts a secrit for a few 
weeks in order to live long eneough to enjoy what he 
cleared on the speculation. 

The 1st pleasant afternoon, which was sum 2 or 3 
weeks after Mr. Oglesby went away, Lucindy took it 
16 


242 MAHETIBLE HOPKINS AND HER TRAVELS. 

into her head to have “ a little healthy exercise” horse- 
back ridin’, so she sent Steve (he’s the hired man that 
lives in the tenant’s house with his wife and Y children) 
down to one of the nabers to borrow a one sidid saddle 
so’s I could go along too. She said her paw told her 
that the horses was all gentle only one, and she’d forgot 
which one it was, and Steve couldent tell, ’cause he 
hadent never seen a woman ’round ’em. He said they 
Was all gentle in the harness, only “ Billy,” and he 
wouldent do nothin’ mean only run away when he seen 
anything he dident like. We had to use our own 
judgment in the selection, so we picked out a couple of 
the quietest lookin’ ones and told Steve to saddle ’em 
while we went in to git our bunnits. 

Lucindy took Billy’s mate and I picked out a quiet 
innofensive lookin’ horse that Steve called “ The Gen- 
eral.” He wasent a hansum critter by any means, 
and he dident look as if he ever had been, but at the 
same time he had sich a pious, Young Men’s Christian 
Association look, about the corners of his f eechers that 
I felt as if I could trust him completely. He wasent 
the fattest horse I ever see either, and he looked as if 
they’d have to glue the blankit tite to his frame to 
keep the oats from failin’ through between his ribs, 
and Steve said he’d have to put an extry blankit on to 
keep him from splittin’ the saddle into. His ’nees 
kinder bent out in all directions like an old wooden 
saw-horse, but he had sich a look of doubt and melon- 
choly about his countenance that I thought mebby he’d 
been left a orfan in this vail of tears and rascality 
years before the Mexican war, and that he’d been 
grievin’ over it ever since, but a person can’t always 



“WHOA, GENERAL, WHQAl" 



244 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


tell by appearances. He looked so calm and patient 
out of his eyes that any body would took him to been 
a regular church deacon of a horse, but I soon found 
that he want, and he’d fell a good ways from grace if 
he ever had been. 

How, right here let me say that I dident want to 
go in the 1st place, but Lucindy was so determined that 
I’d got to go along for company, that I couldent very 
well refuse, but to tell the honest truth, I wasent never 
on a horse before, and if I live to be as old as the story 
of the flood and have full possession of my sences, I 
won’t never be again. Lucindy made lots of fun of my 
choice, but I told her I wasent huntin’ after buty, or 
even a graceful actin’ critter, but I wanted a nice, quiet 
animal — one that I could hitch the hull of my faith 
onto. 

“ Well, then, you ought to be suited, for you’ve got 
a horse you could hitch anything onto only meat,” 
says she, laffin’, and she’d jest got to banterin’ me 
about hitchin’ him in the front hall for a hat rack, 
when Steve led ’em up to the door. I dim up onto 
the wood pile to git onto the general’s back, but Lu- 
cindy was young and spry, and she jest put her foot 
in the stirrup and sprung into the saddle, and a minnit 
later she was spinnin’ off down acrost the cow-pasture 
like a hired man goin’ for the dockter. I knew the 
wimmin folks was all watchin’ us, so I startid off on a 
middlin’ slow walk, and never let on but what I felt 
jest as graceful and dignifide as I looked ; but I dident I 
was so scart I felt sick to my stummick about it, and if 
I’d only known eneough then to let go, and fell off, it 
would been a blessin’ to me, even if it’d broke me in 5 


A OT> HER TRAVELS. 


245 


or 6 pieces, but I dident. That bridle was about the 
only thing I seen to hang onto, and I reckon I stuck 
to it like a drowndin’ man to a bundle of straw. 

Now ridin’ horse-back mint be all well eneough if 
anybody had a place to fasten their trust on or to 
stiddy their backs agin ; but when a real clumsy person 
is elivatid (about 6 feet by actual measurement, but as 
much as 30 if you judge by the way you feel) from 
the ground, and sot into a lether bound quishion with 
2 little short horns on one side and nothin’ on the 
other, and only a consumptive little stirrup to brace 
agin, it makes anybody feel nervous ; and when the 
horse begins to act sick to the stommuck it ain’t got a 
very healthy look for the victim — but to return to the 
dretful reality: 

I hadent went more’n a dozen yards beyend the 
stable when Lucindy cum gallupin’ back, and I thought 
I’d turn round and ride back to the house and tell 
Lucindy that I dident feel well eneough to practice 
that day ; but when I cum to consult the General he 
dident seem very anxious to do anything only to brush 
imaginery flies off’n his hind shoulders and to wave 
his tail ’round kinder spiteful for an old horse. Mebby 
if I hadent got mad it would have been all right, but 
I wantid to see who was boss, and I have thought 
since that likely he happened to be in the same fix him- 
self. He looked so weak and helpless that I thought 
I’d jest lift him right around by the bridle, but when 
I undertook the job I found that the old horse was 
tollerable stout and stubborn, for all he looked so con- 
sumptive. Instid of his turnin’ ’round as I’d calkerlated 
on, he jest braced out them crookid legs of his’en and 


246 


MAHETIBLE HOPKINS 


begun to h’ist up the middle of his back, till I felt as if 
I was settin’ on the top of a rainbow. 

I was afraid sumthin’ ailed ’im, and I was jest goin’ 
to call Steve to see what was ’rong, but jest then the 
General commenced his hoss-tilities, and I had all 
I could ’tend to without callin’ Steve or anybody 
else. It mint been the cramps, but what ever it was , 
it took holt of him dretful sudden, and the minnit he 
felt it, he give a leap into the air like one of these 
spottid sircuss horses, and when he cum down ag’in he 
must lit 40 feet from where he startid, and he struck 
so kinder solid and stiff jinted that I felt jest as if 7 
or 8 of my best ribs was jerked clean out of my 
vertabray (that means backbone in Inglish, but I felt 
as if I must use sumthin’ stronger’n plain Inglish in 
this case) by the roots and was stickin’ out between the 
whalebones in my corsits, and that my spiral colum 
was either driv’ together like a pockit tellescope, or else 
it was shuved out through the crown of my sun bunnit, 
and I couldent tell jest which. I dident git my 
ballance, nor the rest of my senses collected, before he 
made another plunge into the air, and then another, 
and then they cum so fast, and the fire-works got to 
mixin’ in, so’s I couldent give much more reliable infla- 
mation on the subject. Every time he struck the ground 
(for the 1st 3 or 4 times) I spoke to him kinder soothin’ 
(for “ kind words’ll never die,” but they’ll git ofile sick 
when they’re on top of a horse that’s got an idee in 
his head that he can jump over the Sierry Nevady 
Mount’ ins) and says I, as near as I can remember — 
“ Whoa, General ! Whoa ! Oh, o-h, o-h-h ! O-h-h-h-H ! 
* * * *!!!!” 


AND HER TRAVELS.* 


247 


P. S. — They gethered up the remains carefully and 
carried them to the house, and after they’d got the mud 
and dirt washed off so’s the dockter could see what it 
was , he said he thought Fd live , and mebby you won’t 
believe it, but I did. 



OUT OF THE MIRE, 

many a family has been raised by the genuine philanthropy of 
modern progress, and of modern opportunities. But many people 
do not avail of them. They jog along in their old ways until tiiey 
are stuck fast in a mire of hopeless dirt. Friends desert them, 
for they hav e already deserted themselves by neglecting their own 
best interests. Out of the dirt of kitchen, or hall, or parlor, any 
house can be quickly brought by the use of bapoiio, which is 
sold by all grocers. 


Architecture Simplified; 

-OB- 

JTocjd to Si>ui£c[ eJTou^e/i>. 

PRICE, 25 CENTS. 


X NEAT, NEW BOOK CONTAINING PLANS AND SPECI- 
FICATIONS FOR OYER THIRTY DWELLINGS 
OF ALL SIZES, FROM TWO ROOMS UP, 
CHURCHES, BARNS AND OUT- 
HOUSES IN GREAT 
VARIETY. 

Also finely executed engravings of the buildings as they appear 
when built from the plans given in this valuable work. 


This handy, compact and very useful volume contains, in addition to the 
foregoing, plane for each floor in each and every dwelling of which an engrav- 
ing is given. It has, also, valuable information relative to building contracts, 
tells how to calculate for everything in oonneotion with a building, such ar 
number of shingles required in a roof, quantity of plaster for a house, quantity 
of materials required for building a house, etc., etc., and muoh other informa- 
tion of permanent and practical value. 

Any one of the plans is alone worth very much more than the price asked 
for the book. It is invaluable to every architect, builder, mason or carpenter, 
and particularly do we urge all who anticipate erecting a new or remodeling an 
old dwelling to send for a copy, as its fortunate possessor may sav® hundreds of 
dollars by following the suggestions it contains. 

^y*It will be sent, post paid, on receipt of price, by 

J. S. OGILYIE & CO., Publishers, 


31 Rose Street, New York. 



Relieved. Witlioiit Drugs. 


The sufferer from Constipation and Piles should test the 
GLUTEN SUPPOSITORIES, which cure m<»t cases by in- 
creasing tiie nutrition of the parts, thus inducing desire and 
strengthening the power of expulsion. 

READ THE EVIDENCE. 

Dr. A. IV. Thompson, Northampton, Mass., says: “I have tested 
the Gluten Suppositories, and consider them valuable, as, indeed, I 
expected from the excellence of their theory.” # > . 

Dr. \Vm. Tod Helmuth declares the Gluten Suppositories to be 
“the best remedy for Constipation which I have ever prescribed.” 

“As Saiicho Panza said of sleep, so say I of your Gluten Suppos- 
itories: “God bless the man who invented them!” — E. L. Ripley, 
Burlington, Vt. 

“I have been a constipated dyspeptic for many years, and the 
effect has been to reduce me in flesh, and to render me liable to no 
little nerve prostration and sleeplessness, especially after preaching, 
or any special mental effort. The use of Gluten Suppositories, made 
by the Health Food Co., 74 Fourth Avenue, New York, has relieved 
the constipate l habit, and their Gluten and Brain Food have secured 
for me new powers of digest pm, and the ability to sleep soundly 
and think clearly. I believe their food remedies to l>e worthy of the 
high praise which they are receiving on all sides.”— Rev. John II. 

1 ^Hc/innot speak too highly of the Health Food Company’s Gluten 
Suppositories, as they have been a perfect God-send to me. I belie ve 
them superior 1o anything ever devised for the relief of constipation 
and hemorrhoids. I have suffered from these evils more than twen- 
ty vears and have at last found substantial relief through the use of 
the Gluten Suppositories. ”-Cyrus Bradbury, Hopedale, Mass. 


Send for our HEALTH FOOD LITERATURE. 

HEALTH ss FOOD s: COMPANY, 

4th Aye. & 10th St., adjoining Stewart’s, New York. 



Crosby's Vitalized Plosjlites 


For 15 years has been a Standard Remedy with Physicians 
who treat Nervous or Mental Disorders. Not a 
Secret, Formula on every Label. 

The Emperor Dom Pedro, Bismarck, Gladstone have cured 
their nervous prostration, and now maintain their bodily and 
mental vigor by its occasional use. 

ft relieves all forms of nervous derangements, lassitude, 
prostration, loss of memory. 

It aids in the bodily and wonderfully in the menial growth 
of children. It directly aids a child to learn, and prevents 
peevishness. 

As it i3 identical in its composition with brain matter, it is rapidly ab- 
sorbed, and quickly relieves the depression from excessive intellectual 
efforts, fatigue or mental irritability. 

Sleeplessness, irritation, nervous exhaustion, inability to 
work or study, is but a brain hunger; in urgent cases, brain 
starvation. This brain nutriment quickly feeds the hungry 
nerves, and restores brain power. It gives bright, new life, 
and health to the brain, and nerves in old and young. 

It is absolutely necessary after all surgical 
operations, depressing fevers, or prostrating 
diseases. 

BRAIN WORKERS NEED BRAIN FOOD. 

F. CROSBY CO, 56 West 25th St, N. Y 


For Sale by Druggists, or by mail. In P. O. Order, bill or postage stamps, 
$ 1 . 00 . 


























' . 

■ 


. 









. 




































yfryx- 



* A!rTnBr ^tum ywlmSi 

! A b * ^laB AMift W^ j A*M f/ 



>»> 













t 


• f» 

(1 t 


1 




jdM : . .vvvm^V; v,; : 

.' y ■ y v^v>';,\v :••.£■> ■.' V‘.\v.-y\ 

• ' , • « i . « 1 k f • * , r • 4 , % • *• * " * 'u ,k 'I ! * 

• vy>y>:.:y • A ; r < y < ■?» » 


M 


LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 


../•A if 

\ • » '« I I 


00014607 ^ 4 ^ 


Uv>- 


- ,f .i*.* 


. »;.* ,0 


* : 


fr if, 


'4 t- 


• i 




l 


